What are we aiming for?

One of my coaching clients shared a "what the flip" moment they had this week with me: when we talk about self care taking us to 'OK', we don't mean "able to cope". OK - the baseline we should be aiming for with self care - doesn't mean filling the tank just enough to cope with what the next day is going to throw at us, it means not being tired, cranky, frustrated, stressed at all.

Anyone else thinking "what the f-" too?!

There is a sneaky and pervasive culture at play for people who are working to support people and make the world a kinder place. We have been conditioned to accept that we're all going to be really stressed, short staffed, exhausted and one bad day away from looking for a job stacking shelved at the local supermarket. That's the job. "We're not in it for the money" is something I've heard people say (and if I'm fully honest, have said myself on more than one occasion!)

At what point did we all collectively accept feeling "not okay" as our standard working conditions?

No shame here

First things first, let's make it totally clear that if you are feeling "not okay" that is both totally valid and not your fault. I fully believe that this workplace culture relies on our good hearts. We don't want to let our service users down, so we sacrifice ourselves and meeting our own needs to do our best for them. I want to take a moment to recognise that if you are in this position, you're probably a really loving human. There shouldn't be shame in being "not okay".

This is the point where my coachees normally offer a light hearted 'get out of jail free' card, because the compliment makes them squirmy when they know the truth. "You wouldn't say that if you saw the state of my kitchen" is a common one. "Tell my kids that when I'm snapping at them later" is another. We're doing bad maths about our value here - seeing the positive in the compliment as outweighed by the "bad things" we do (which are often a consequence of the "not okay" in the first place!)

This is a perfect moment to practice the "audacious and" that my whole ethos is based around. Let's replace those 'buts' with ANDs. You can be doing great things at work and a really loving human and be bloody exhausted and have a messy kitchen and snap at your kids when they step on your last nerve. Your value as a person is not diminished by any of these things, they're just all parts of the pie chart that makes up you in your current circumstances.

Basically, you're awesome and if it doesn't feel like it then we need to chat so we can populate your pie chart with enough ANDs until you can view yourself with love.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm still not okay though..."

Here's my theory...

You're a smart person, you probably know what you need more of in your life. Whether its something physical (like more sleep or better hydration), mental (like time to engage in your hobbies), emotional (like quality time with your friends) or spiritual (like time to meditate) - I think you know at some level what you need.

It might be a long list, if you've been in the habit of putting everyone else first for a long time, but with a little time to think about it you'd be able to tell me what it is that would get you to that mythical "OK" we defined earlier.

I think that you don't know how to give yourself permission to prioritise getting yourself there.

"Don't call me out then leave it there!"

Sorry, I couldn't resist the coaching impulse to give that statement time to sink in. If it hasn't already, go back and read it again. Consider my theory - am I right or wrong? I'm fine either way, but I'm inviting you to get a little real with yourself in this moment.

Then let's move forward from this place. If it's resonating, here's what you might need:

1. A mindset shift - you need to learn to put yourself at the centre of your world. Again, you probably know this at an intellectual level, but if you're not doing it then there's likely to be some social conditioning, emotionally rooted beliefs or trauma responses holding you in sacrifice mode. Getting clear on what's underneath the behaviour is vital if you're going to take a fierce stand for yourself. (Coaches are great at helping you do this, FYI!)
2. Community support - it's hard to be the lone person standing up for their needs. This change is much easier when done in community. That's why its an essential part of Audaciously Resilient Teams - because if we are all giving ourselves permission to prioritise meeting our needs, we can remind each other when the old habits kick in. Tell the people around you why it's important that you're putting your needs higher on the agenda (and how it will benefit them - always good to create a win-win!)
3. Change in circumstances - let's get real, sometimes the "not okay" is driven by very real or present challenges happening around us. It could be a workplace culture, it could be a family circumstance, it could be the general political climate. Taking action to make change is always going to feel more hopeful than sitting in a situation that isn't serving you. Look for solutions, problem solve, ask for help, vote - like I said in last week's newsletter, hope comes from actions.

On that last one, you might be wondering what you can do to change things like workplace culture that feel above your paygrade... I'm going to get a little bit cheeky here - if what I write is resonating with you, share this newsletter with your colleagues and managers (and beyond). Full disclosure - I would love it if people reading this want to pay me for the practical steps to implement these changes - but I also write them to share the idea that there is another way.

One of my readers (hi!) said that reading this newsletter is "a nice break from the grindset propoganda and makes her take a minute to pause". If you're finding that I'm giving you that same moment of relief or new perspectives, please take a moment to spread the word.

Managers and people with budgets - if you're stuck on number 3, ask me for my one page summary of 'Audaciously Resilient Teams' - the 25% off 'founders bonus' only lasts another month!