What is up with "Soiling the Nest"?

As a mom of teen boys and a college consultant I have heard many, many phrases over the years from generations younger than me. Some I try to commit to memory so that I can seem moderately cool in conversations with such group of kids. For example, "cheugy" is one I recently learned through a video by a popular family on social media. I am happy to report that I am not cheugy, because apparently I am too old to even be considered for that title (according to Gen Z rules anyway). But you better believe I will use it in conversation to show I am in the know. This is where my teens role their eyes and walk away or probably run in most circumstances. My point is I am a curious person and I like "being in the know" about many things - not just popular teen phrases or the thousand acronyms they use. So when I recently read a post on social media through a parenting group that mainly talks about kids and college; I was a little taken aback by the words "soiling the nest". I have never heard of this before and apparently it is quite popular. And not in a good way. Although I am quite positive anyone reading the phrase "soiling the nest" cannot interpret anything good coming from that either. Me personally, I started having flashbacks to the diaper years, but couldn't make sense out of why that would apply now to any teenager headed to college. We figured that part out way back in preschool days. So then I started to worry how it COULD apply... don't go there, trust me.

So being the curious person I am, I read up on this new-to-me concept and was blown away by 1. that you can find this phrase being used almost 10 years ago, maybe longer and 2. that this is very common and happens to teens the summer before heading off to college. Well great, that is exactly where I am with my oldest son. And like every great parenting chapter that is around the corner, you just want to know how to make it through the least scathed as possible. So let me explain it the way I have researched it. Basically the teenager, boy or girl, is in a complete state of flux after graduating high school and there starts the battle within that undoubtedly comes out in ways that are not nice - like shark attack not nice. Apparently this now makes the other teen years look down right delightful. Are you scared? Yeah, I was too. I started to sideways glance (because making eye contact seemed scarier) my oldest son, who just graduated from high school, with some major apprehension. I literally could hear in the background that ticking clock noise from the TV show 24 and my stress and anxiety started to get the better of me. From what I gathered in my readings, there is a big push and pull feeling within the teen wanting to be independent, but they are scared and excited of the unknowns all at the same time. They want to leave, but they don't want to leave. They love you and they hate you literally all at the same time, and therefore they flippantly throw so many more words that hurt and cut deep. And they use these hurtful words/actions at rapid-fire and with no disregard to the harm it causes, because they literally don't know how to control or understand these new feelings of freedom, adulthood, etc. inside of them. And you probably already guessed it, the firestorm is often aimed right at mom or dad. This goes deeper than hormones though my fellow parents! Unfortunately, and I know parents of grown children can relate to what I am about to say here, your patience and tolerance for the teen angst bullsh*t is about zero nowadays. So in a way that seems almost impossible, because I was LITERALLY just balling my eyes out at his graduation a couple weeks ago, apparently comes the desire to WANT to kick your kiddo out of the house and into his dorm room pronto. Like you barely slow the car down, push him and his things out at the curb and speed away. So the term "soiling the nest" in it's simple form is where the child/teen/young adult makes mom (or dad) so crazy mad, that they can't wait for you now to leave. And it sounds like this street runs both ways.

I had so many emotions after reading up on this and it really hurt my mom heart to know that this was a thing! And I think a bigger part of it is that I didn't want to feel like this is how this one chapter is supposed to end or how the other chapter is supposed to start. My hopes and dreams since he was born were so much higher than this. So like any good parent, I decided to embark on the proactive approach instead of the reactive approach. After all, we had a beach vacation coming up and come hell or high water, we were all going and we were all going to have the best, and possibly last, family vacation ever (here come the tears again). So I sat him down recently, intentionally stared him the eyes and calmly asked "how are you doing with all of these big life changes going on?" followed up with, "what do you need from me to help you best prepare for this next step?". Let's face it, yes it was an underlying fear of my own already that I had not best prepared him for this next step, but we still had some time left I felt to fix what needed fixing. And so this perfectly sweet 18 year old boy of mine, looked at me with some mild confusion and says, "it's all good mom, we (his roommate) have been discussing plans and the only thing left to figure out is who's TV to bring or could we have enough room for both of our TV's, because I'm bringing my Xbox and "roomie" is bringing the Playstation". So there you have it. It appears that all is good in his world, but I planted the seed and from past experience, especially with boys, they need time to process that seed.

I'm extremely grateful for the calm waters and clean nest around us right now, because clearly I can see that it could be different. And for parents who are going through the rough waters or soiled nests right now; just know that it is not your fault, this is normal albeit unwelcomed behavior from your child and just continue to ask questions to get to what they are feeling. Remember when they were like 2 years old and we constantly used to tell them "use your words" instead of throwing the tantrum? In coaching they tell us to acknowledge and validate the feelings (not the behavior) so that the person knows that what they are feeling is normal and okay. They are not alone. By default, teens are wired to think that they are they only ones to ever feel how they are feeling and that nobody else will understand. They also have a hard time envisioning the future, so when we tell them everything is going to work out okay, their brain is not wired to see the future as we know it could be. Which in it's irony is really only based on our own past experiences and beliefs; even as adults we have a hard time envisioning the future. Bottom line, don't give up. We have all made it this far in the game of parenting and while some may think it ends when they move out; I have been told by some very wise parents of my own "don't worry they always end up coming back some way or another".

Kelly Barnhardt / Owner, College Admissions Strategies / Explore You Coaching

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