In What Unseen Ways Are You Abandoning Your Own Free Will?

A number of quotes from different authors clicked into a cohesive picture in my mind this week of the many ways in which I had been subconsciously turning away from my true self and the choices that have existed over the years that I had been blind to, instead feeling trapped in so many unnecessary ways…

Saying no to someone by saying yes to me (with grace) is, I believe, one of the most commonly missed opportunities in my life. I have awoken to the many ways in which I abandoned my own free will and now see quite clearly when others are doing this, or – at the opposite end of the spectrum – doing what they want regardless of the cost to others.

I was contemplating this early one morning and found my thoughts gathering some momentum. It started with thinking about my kids’ school, and then expanded across other aspects of education, into the health, financial and government systems.

When I am told to do something I get triggered.

Now I can see that there are situations in which telling versus asking would be important, such as life and death situations. But actually, my experience and observations lead to me believe it’s the predominant mode of communication among families and coming from institutions who hold some sort of (often perceived) authority or power over the people they interact with.

From my own experience I’d say this all comes down to the authentic parts of myself that I denied, suppressed and disowned over the years, in favour of a more palatable me that could survive the indoctrination into my family and society.

In the field of child psychology, and psychology generally, the word Attunement is well known. Dr Gabor Mate, an expert on childhood trauma and its effects on development, says “Attunement is necessary for the normal development of the brain pathways and neurochemical apparatus of attention and emotional regulation. It is a finely calibrated process requiring that the parent remain him/herself in a relatively non-stressed, non-anxious, non-depressed state of mind.”

This can be a huge ask. I am the first to admit that – if I was never aware of my shortcomings before – they certainly became very obvious with young children to challenge me. Of all my relationships, the one with my children is the most intense, followed by the relationship with my partner.

And guess what lies at the heart of our relationships? Attunement.

 “We learn attunement by virtue of other people being attuned to us” says Teal Swan. Ask yourself the following questions...

·        Do I feel like my parents understood me when I was little, or even tried to understand me?

·        Did they see into me and feel into me and have empathy for me and adjust their behaviour accordingly or not?

·        Did they acknowledge how I felt or did they invalidate it, telling me I shouldn’t feel that way?

·        How did my parents treat me when I was cranky, frightened or upset?

As I’ve said before, I would imagine most people would recognise the lack of attunement in their own childhood, for being seen and not heard and do as I say not as I do have been predominant tenets of parenting for a long long time. Thus, as Teal also points out, dysfunctional relationships are the norm, not the exception.

One of the most helpful things she says that has really stuck with me is “when our parents were not attuned to us, we went one of two ways to cope with the terror of the experience:

1.      We learned that our survival depended on disconnecting from them and retreating into a narcissistic bubble where all that was real and all that mattered was our individual experience. Or

2.      We learned that our survival depended on being hyper attuned to the people in our lives so that we could perceive them, anticipate their behaviour and make adjustments to our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid harm.”

So I was thrilled to read Daniel Shaw’s explanation of these two typical responses in a slightly different way that gave me an even greater understanding of this dynamic. In his book Traumatic Narcissism he says “a child who is trapped in a narcissistic relationship system can either externalise or internalise the traumatising behaviour of the adult:

1.      The child who externalises their experience perpetuates the pattern by projecting onto others the shame, guilt, humiliation and fear she experienced and cannot tolerate herself.

Whereas

2.      The child who internalises their experience first develops a protector identity, usually dissociative, whose aim is to reduce harm by anticipating the narcissist behaviour of the adult. Later, as the child develops, this part that arose out of protection begins to function as a persecutor, a replica of the abusive adult that now lives inside the growing child’s mind.”

A narcissistic relationship system is one in which one or both of the parents are more focused on their own feelings than those of their children.

In hindsight I can see I became hyper vigilant to others’ feelings, internalising everything, and co-dependent in my relationships.

It’s probably no surprise that each of these coping styles tend to attract its opposite and – while one is good at taking care of everyone else’s needs, neither is actually good at recognising and taking care of their own in a healthy way.

So when my partner, the kids, or someone else comes along sweeping me into something with no regard to my free will, it is easy to see why I get triggered.

Even as a child I inherently knew my sovereignty, and I can see – in retrospect that any anger I felt was a sure sign that my boundaries had been violated. But I had nothing I could do with that anger except suppress it, creating trauma, or express it from a defensive standpoint – usually resulting in such an unwelcome reaction that I eventually had to choke down how I felt regardless – also creating trauma.

Bessel Van Der Kolk says “Trauma robs you of the feeling that you are in charge of yourself, of what I will call self-leadership. The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and mind – of your self. This means feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed or collapsed.”

Bert Hellinger, the psychotherapist best known for his Family Constellations therapy, said that belonging is the most important need of children. As such, a child will make incredible sacrifices to belong to her family system.

Daniel Shaw puts it this way “Children will go to great lengths to keep their parent’s good. Even if this means becoming the bad one in relation to the parents.”

Jane Peterson, Director of the Human System’s Institute points out that a healthy relational system is quite different:

“In a healthy dyad, both members are seen as selves, or subjects, with thoughts, feelings and needs. Healthy relationships are marked by a mutuality of relations and reciprocal interactions. Giving and taking is a dynamic flow with the contributions of each member valued by the others. These systems are marked by fluidity, the ability of members to tolerate and even appreciate points of view that are different from their own.”

She goes on to say “for the person wounded by the narcissistic behaviour of a similarly wounded adult, this can sound like a fairy tale. The way back to self-love, mutual interactions, a flow of giving and taking seems far away. It is possible and it takes work to repattern the brain and nervous system to learn what safety is, and to be able to receive love and appreciation.”

I see this played out beautifully in Lisa Romano’s story. Lisa Romano developed people pleasing tendencies through her hyper attunement as I did, and has shared her story in The Road Back to Me and My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce. Both books are an easy read and give excellent insight into these complex dynamics through the everyday insidious examples that I have seen crop up time and again in my own relationships.

She shares:

“I had to learn to let go of my fear of displeasing my father, and accept that in living my own life, it was quite possible my father would in fact abandon me. In so many ways however, he already had…In all of my fear, I could never have known, that ultimately I had been taught to abandon and reject my self.”

In trying to figure out why she felt so angry as she started to become aware of and reclaim her sense of self she shares a conversation with her therapist:

“When my mother was angry she would rant and rave and sing her long list of complaints about me, or my sister or my brother….If she was really mad she’d clench her teeth and get in our faces and yell until she turned cherry red.”

I recognised this pattern from my own childhood and – one day – found myself starting to repeat it with my small children and knew then and there I had to take action.

Her therapist enquires:

“Did she hit you when she got angry?”

“Yes sometimes” Lisa answers

“Did she curse you?”

“Yes” Lisa says

“Did she ever label you as bad, or selfish, or call you any other mean names?”

“Yes. She said I was bad a lot. She called me selfish all the time….”

“…Lisa, I know why you are angry. Depression is anger that has been turned inward. You are angry now, because for the first time in your life you are taking you seriously.”

“…Lisa, you cannot heal what you do not allow yourself to feel. The more you feel, the deeper you heal, and the better you feel.”

She reflects in a later chapter “Although I was aware that my family was a codependent dynamic unit that operated under the veils of denial and, as I recovered from codependency in my life, I would inevitably need to confront my familial dysfunction in the process, I was not prepared for the enormous fortitude it would take to do so, or the avalanches of grief that were becoming as familiar as breath itself.”

“Only when I am asked to explain how it was that I made it through those early years after my marriage ended, do I stop to realise just how far I’ve come, and how many mountains I have climbed.

From the time I was a child, within my chest was a beating heart that beat the drum of desire, a desire for peace. My heart would not rest until, within my being, I found peace.

If I have learned anything in this life it is this – all love starts with self love…and self love comes only by way of embracing the courage to tell the truth, even if that topples over a few apple carts along the way.”

Beautifully put.

But where to begin? I had a friend ask this week whether I used The Completion Process after reading the book, or whether I used a practitioner. As I responded, I just do it myself, among many other approaches I use to heal the internal wounds I find. That’s me all over, someone very self driven and independent, both edges sharpened by the experiences of trying to stay one step (or ten) ahead of any criticism that might come my way and, again, reinforce the notion that I had no right to a self.

I was reminded though of a powerful question from Tony Robbins’ documentary I Am Not Your Guru:

“Who did you crave love from the most, as a child, and who did you have to be to get it?”

I reread this in an article by Kathy Caprino, who eloquently stated “once you can feel and recognise what triggers you to feel unsafe, unloved and unacceptable, you can then explore the root behind it.” For me, the first step though was to recognise that was how I was feeling. Because on the surface it manifested more as an ongoing knot of anger and exhaustion from trying to stay one step ahead of everyone and everything.

I simply didn’t see how deeply rooted my fear of rejection was, and I was angry because I was rejecting my self, fooling myself into believing I had to be accepted as someone other than who I actually am in order to survive.

I thought I was trapped in many situations, that I had no free will and certainly no way to exercise it gracefully. I have learned that is simply not true, and I am still learning how to exercise it with grace, but it’s getting easier.

In what ways are you abandoning your own free will? And are you willing to take the journey that will allow you to reclaim it, and allow us to see you and accept you for who you truly are?

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You, What to Do if You Feel Trapped By Your Circumstances, Risk Your Friendships More in Order to Be Fully Loved and How to Stop Being Triggered by What Other People Think. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.