What is Transparency In Conversations?

Dear colleagues,

In my previous articles, I’ve discussed the importance of curiosity and empathy as we seek to have inclusive dialogues with others. In this article, I explore transparency. Transparency is most often understood as being authentic. We reveal our hearts and minds to others. Transparency shows humility in not knowing all the answers. Paradoxically, being open and vulnerable enhances the perception of our strength and courage. Transparency is crucial to building credibility and facilitates people trusting and wanting to work with us. Transparency is not venting feelings in frustration or under stress. Rather, it’s making thoughtful choices about what to share and what not to share that serve the best interest of situation. With transparency there’s not an explicit expectation or direction on what another should do with the information being shared. It’s an offering more than a telling.

Through Transparency, a person articulates his or her unique position in the conversation. We listen with openness to others, and we articulate our views as fully as possible. A common question is about how we know when, what, and how much to disclose to others. The work really starts when we seek to identify what’s similar in our views: what part of me can I get in touch with that is relevant to some part of you? Our versions of experience are never wholly similar. Rather, we’re looking for parts or aspects of experience that overlap in some way. This requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Transparency requires us to be highly engaged.

Uncovering similarities rather than differences also requires that we understand ourselves as part of a larger whole with others, even if this is difficult to see at times. When using Transparency to join on common ground, visual-spatial expressions—such as “part of me feels like that too,” “I can join you on this part,” “my version of this is…”—allow us to identify similarities without wholly assuming that our experiences and someone else’s could ever totally be alike.

Of course, there are times when we encounter a total incompatibility of views; when no aspect of one view can coincide with any aspect of another. In these cases, our best move is to be transparent about this impasse: “I’m at a loss to find any common ground here. I’m struggling to see how I could ever see it that way.” This self-reflective honesty is more productive than bypassing the moment or arguing our point to convince others we are right. This is usually fruitless.

Along with the extra mental effort of finding similarities rather than differences, there is another reason that transparency is challenging. We put a high value on invulnerability. In Western culture the values of independence and self-reliance are prized. To express feelings, desires, and personal dilemmas is felt to conflict with this ideal—as if it displays weakness rather than strength. In some Asian cultures there’s more sensitivity around preserving the honor and dignity of one’s conversation partners. This also may constrain the use of transparency.

We fear that exposing this vulnerability may lead to embarrassment, rejection, and even humiliation since others may not bestow upon us the open curiosity and generous empathy that we aspire to practice. Moreover, to find common ground with others, we may have to acknowledge our darker impulses, which we prefer not to admit to ourselves, much less disclose to another. It’s easier to focus on someone else’s defects rather than disclose mine: “I’m willing to help fix you, but don’t worry about me; I’m fine.”

To continue getting a handle on this, let’s consider the ineffective use of Transparency; that is, what we want to avoid doing.

What to avoid

Avoid messages that are:

More relevant to our individual needs than the context or subject matter of the conversation

Implicitly intended to influence or direct rather than share

For discharging stress rather than articulating our feelings

Overstepping the boundaries of the current roles and relationship

First, avoid expressing views that are not relevant to the emerging themes of the conversation. These are statements that would feel out of the blue or out of left field. Such expressions may occur because we’re distracted by a personal interest that sidelines us from the current topic. Or we feel pressure to resolve an internal conflict that precipitates a disclosure that isn’t yet pertinent to the dialogue.

These statements may create an impression that we’re distracted, self-focused, or impulsive. More importantly, they limit the chance of getting a proper handle on the topic we’re pursuing together. Our self-focus hides the deeper truth that might exist. By being true to the subject matter, we have the best chance of getting out of ourselves to see how we may be distorting reality. Paying closer attention to the subject matter diminishes our egoism and enlarges our conception of truth. Attending with this type of care provides a deeper, subtler view of the world.

In the second mistake, we succumb to the temptation to influence or direct another under the guise of just sharing our feelings. This includes statements that have barbs that are likely to hook someone, triggering resistance or defiance—such as:

“I really feel like you need to stop controlling me.” Instead, say, “I am uncertain about what you want.”

“I can’t believe you did this.” Instead, say, “I am confused about your intent.”

“I think you’re being very inconsiderate.” Instead, say, “I am feeling hurt.”

In the negative examples above, our feelings are expressed as commands, judgments, or characterizations, respectively. They presume only one perspective on reality. In the positive examples, we share our direct emotional experience without attributing blame or trying to control the other’s behavior. And we allow for other interpretations of reality to coexist with our own.

The third trap is when we confuse transparency with being emotional, as opposed to describing our emotions. In venting, we discharge the stress of having feelings rather than articulate what those feelings are. In effect, we’re communicating to another (implicitly), “I’m overwhelmed now by my emotions, and I insist you help me manage them.” We’re shifting the burden. No wonder this tends to cause deep rifts in relationships. This is especially destructive where there are power imbalances, such as between parent and child or boss and subordinate, in which the less powerful person must submit or pick up the pieces of a broken relationship.

The fourth problem happens when we trample on the boundaries that need to exist for an authentic relationship to the persons involved and the subject matter: for example, when one parent complains to a child about the other parent, when a boss complains about his boss to his direct report, or when one coworker complains to another about a mutual colleague. These examples distort truth seeking because the reality that needs to be addressed is being avoided by using another as a shield. In family therapy this is called “triangulation” in that a third person is used to create a triangle avoiding the more intimate and truer discussion between the two in conflict.?

Tips for Developing Transparency

Embrace the value of self-awareness.

Engage your body and mind.

Practice clarity.

Link words and action.

Address shame.

To develop Transparency, we broaden the base of experience that we pull from to connect with others; the more we can access in ourselves, the more we can potentially join with in others. These five tips help to broaden this potential zone of connection through dialogue:

Embrace the value of self-awareness. Self-awareness and transparency are like two faces of the same coin. To use a sports analogy, they’re like your back swing and forward throw. To use spatial language, we develop Transparency from the inside out. When listening to our outward speech, we come to better understand what our internal thoughts are.

As we express ourselves to others, we can gain more clarity on what our feelings and intentions are all about. As we notice the impact of our responses to others, we gain further insight to what might have been our implicit intentions beyond our current awareness.

When you make a mistake, look for patterns. Is there anything about what happened that is a repeating pattern for you? What is the pattern? Examine how your thinking leads to the pattern. What assumptions do you make that keep getting you the same results? Are they valid? What do you need to do differently to break the pattern? What support do you want?

Developing mastery requires practicing mindfulness—discerning what we are experiencing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It involves the willingness to allow others to see us as we are. It includes learning from your past, especially sharing lessons learned from mistakes. The courage to be uncomfortable is also important. At times, you may need to share a differing opinion, to speak the unsayable, or to take a stand on something that really matters to you.

Engage your body and mind. Our bodily sensations are often clues to what we are experiencing; paying attention to them is a first step in developing mindfulness. Noticing our sensory reactions requires us to be precisely here, in the present moment, not jumping ahead to inferences and attributions.

Check in with yourself during interactions with others and when attention is directed at you. Notice the changes in your experience. Do you notice increased adrenaline, a faster heartbeat, or narrowed vision that indicates anxiety or anger? Do you notice increased energy and alertness that might suggest excitement? Do you notice a sense of well-being and expansiveness that indicates joy and gratitude? Do you notice a warm flush in your face that indicates embarrassment or shame? These sensations are the initial building blocks of emotions.

The full meaning of these initial emotions is elaborated by the meanings we place on them. These meanings include what we infer the intent of others to be, and the assumptions we make about what we’ve done to elicit this response from another. There can be a disconnect between our assumptions, inferences, and the reality of another’s experience or intent: “They are bored with my presentation style” is a leap from your anxiety as you notice that some members of your audience are yawning, especially after a heavy lunch. “She deliberately does that to annoy me” is a jump from that flash of irritation when your mother comments on your hair.

Relaxation helps to reduce the leap to inference and stay with the present sensation. In these pauses, we can notice our thoughts that we attribute to the experience. This is especially important if we notice a pattern in our inner chatter (e.g., “I’m not a good presenter” or “My mother has never accepted me as I am”). If this is hard to manage during a conversation, we can always ask for a break in it, or start relaxing before the interaction if we anticipate it to be a difficult one.

Practice clarity. Learn to articulate what matters to you. Describe your purpose and intent. Draw on what energizes you. What gives meaning to your life? Share this with others, especially when your Curiosity and Empathy open opportunities for building common ground. To practice clarity, remember to avoid vague language. Ask for what you want. Say what you will and will not do. Be careful about using packaging words to dampen down your meaning, such as “maybe,” “possibly,” and “sometimes.” This can lead to confusion about what your perspective really is. Of course, I’m not saying you should assume you are right. Rather, when using Transparency, we need to own our thoughts and feelings. Then we can invite feedback and acknowledge reactions through Curiosity and Empathy.

Link words and action. One of the most important aspects of effective Transparency is congruence between your words and action, as well as your words and body language.

Address shame. As we develop from children to adults, we try out different voices. Our significant others hear and acknowledge some voices, ignore others, and punish a few. Shame develops around those parts of us that were previously misunderstood and rejected by others. The anxiety of reexperiencing shame acts as a warning sign— “Danger… don’t go there! Avoid that conversation”—to keep us from experiencing these painful aspects of our personalities. Shame cuts us off from the parts of ourselves that were rejected. We tend to suppress these voices and, in some cases, completely disavow them, so they are walled off in our minds and out of awareness. We learn to avoid situations that might trigger the old feelings they evoke.

There are clues to our pockets of shame in perfectionism. Clues are present when we are viscerally intolerant of others. Our pockets of shame are a barrier to Transparency. They block us in finding common ground with others. We’re afraid to share, which prevents the exploration of a common ground. We are unable to access the experiences we might share with others, because they are walled off and not available to be shared. In more extreme cases, we reject the other or refuse to enter dialogue because we cannot tolerate the shame that aspects of that person evoke in us.

Shame presents a thorny paradox. One of the greatest opportunities of dialogue is to heal our pockets of shame. Yet our shame makes it exceedingly difficult to enter dialogue with an open heart and mind. To address the shame of vulnerability, we must constantly remind ourselves that our pockets of shame were developed in specific relationships and contexts of the past. In new contexts, new relationships, and equipped with new skills, we can let go of fear in these situations. Granted, old habits that are well learned are hard to break. Our greatest resource will be gentleness and forgiveness for ourselves and others as we address those voices that may have been silenced or rejected.

Read more about inclusive dialogue in my book Talking Toward Truth: Inspiring New Options Through Dialogue.

https://www.amazon.com/talking-toward-truth-Inspiring-Dialogue-ebook/dp/B086DWQTS8/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=talking+toward+truth&qid=1589836826&sr=8-1

To assess your own dialogic skills, complete a free self-questionnaire and receive a personalized report. ?Follow the link below. Use this access code: 52euvub8

https://t3.talkingtowardtruth.org/#/