What is Toxicity? "Pleaser" vs. "Narcissistic"

noun: the quality of being toxic or poisonous

In some work environments, we do have the displeasure to bump into several kinds of individuals. In my opinion, the following are the worst two kinds to work with "people pleaser" & "the ones some with some levels of narcissistic behavior".

Before we proceed, here are some facts about these two kinds:

The People Pleaser

A "people pleaser" is someone who goes out of their way to make others happy, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. They seek approval and validation from others and may struggle to assert their own preferences. A "people pleaser" may face challenges that could negatively impact their life, including:

1. Neglecting Personal Needs: Constantly prioritizing others' needs over their own may lead to neglecting personal well-being, causing physical and mental health issues.
2. Burnout: Trying to please everyone can result in overwhelming stress and burnout, as they may take on more than they can handle.
3. Lack of Boundaries: Difficulty in setting and maintaining boundaries can lead to exploitation, as others may take advantage of their willingness to please.
4. Resentment: Suppressing personal desires may lead to resentment over time, damaging relationships and causing internal conflict.
5. Identity Loss: A "people pleaser" may struggle to define their own identity, as they often mold themselves based on others' expectations rather than expressing their true selves.
6. Difficulty Saying No: The fear of disappointing others can make it challenging to say no, resulting in overcommitment and exhaustion.
7. Unfulfilled Goals: Constantly prioritizing others' goals may lead to neglecting personal aspirations, hindering long-term personal and professional growth.

In summary, the tendency to please others excessively can have detrimental effects on various aspects of a person's life, impacting their well-being, relationships, and overall happiness.

The one with Narcissistic Behavior

In short, a narcissistic person is someone who exhibits a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They often have an inflated sense of self-importance, seek excessive attention, and may exploit others to fulfill their desires.

What happens when a Narcissistic person bumps into a "People Pleaser"

While "people pleasers" and individuals with narcissistic behavior may seem like opposites, there can be some dynamics that draw them together in certain relationships. Here are a few points of connection:

1. Complementary Roles: In some cases, a "people pleaser" may be drawn to a person with narcissistic behavior due to a complementary dynamic. The people pleaser seeks to please, while the narcissist desires admiration and attention.
2. Need for Approval: Both types may have an underlying need for approval, albeit manifested differently. The people pleaser seeks approval through accommodating others, while the narcissist craves admiration and validation.
3. Boundary Issues: Both may struggle with boundary issues, but in different ways. The people pleaser may have difficulty setting boundaries to avoid disappointing others, while the narcissist may disregard others' boundaries.
4. Codependency: There can be a codependent dynamic, where the "people pleaser" enables the narcissist's behavior by continuously catering to their needs, reinforcing the narcissist's sense of entitlement.
5. Manipulation: Narcissistic individuals may manipulate "people pleasers" by leveraging their desire to please, creating a power dynamic that serves the narcissist's needs.

In the intricate dance of workplace dynamics, the "people pleaser" can find themselves unwittingly entangled in a complex relationship with a person exhibiting narcissistic behavior. This dynamic often transforms the accommodating nature of the people pleaser into a role resembling that of a puppet, manipulated by the whims and desires of the narcissist. As we delve into the intricacies of this dynamic, it's essential to understand the characteristics of both individuals and how their interactions can unfold within the professional realm.

A "people pleaser" in the workplace is someone who goes above and beyond to satisfy the needs and expectations of others. They thrive on positive feedback and the approval of their colleagues and superiors. This intrinsic desire to please can manifest in various ways, such as taking on extra tasks, avoiding conflict at all costs, and prioritizing others' needs over their own.

Enter the narcissist, a person with an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. In the workplace, a narcissistic individual may seek to establish dominance, craving attention and recognition for their achievements while disregarding the contributions of others. When these two personas intersect, a puppet-master relationship can emerge.

One key factor that draws a people pleaser into the orbit of a narcissist is the shared need for approval. The people pleaser seeks validation by accommodating others, while the narcissist craves admiration to feed their grandiose self-image. In this symbiotic relationship, the people pleaser becomes a willing audience for the narcissist's constant need for attention.

The puppet-master dynamic begins with the people pleaser's natural inclination to avoid conflict. Fearing the displeasure of others, they become highly susceptible to manipulation by the narcissist, who exploits this vulnerability. The narcissist, adept at reading social cues, identifies the people pleaser as a willing participant in their quest for admiration.

The people pleaser's accommodating nature becomes a fertile ground for the narcissist's manipulative tactics. They may shower the people pleaser with praise and approval when their demands are met, creating a cycle where the people pleaser is conditioned to seek this positive reinforcement. This constant need for external validation further solidifies the puppet-master dynamic, as the people pleaser becomes increasingly dependent on the narcissist's approval.

Boundary issues play a pivotal role in this relationship. The people pleaser, often lacking assertiveness, struggles to set boundaries to protect their time and well-being. On the other hand, the narcissist, with a disregard for others' boundaries, exploits this weakness to further control the people pleaser. Requests for additional tasks, unreasonable deadlines, or encroachments on personal time become the norm, as the people pleaser is manipulated into compliance.

The codependent nature of this dynamic is palpable. The people pleaser, eager to maintain the illusion of harmony, enables the narcissist's behavior by sacrificing their own needs and desires. They may find themselves working late hours, taking on projects beyond their capacity, and constantly seeking ways to appease the insatiable demands of the narcissist.

Manipulation becomes a subtle art in this relationship. The narcissist, adept at playing on the people pleaser's fears and insecurities, strategically pulls the strings to ensure compliance. Gaslighting, a tactic employed by narcissists to make the other person doubt their own perceptions and sanity, may further cement the people pleaser's role as a puppet. The narcissist skillfully shifts blame, deflects responsibility, and portrays themselves as the victim, leaving the people pleaser confused and questioning their own judgment.

As this puppet-master dynamic unfolds in the workplace, the people pleaser may experience a gradual erosion of their self-esteem. The constant need for approval and the relentless pursuit of meeting the narcissist's expectations take a toll on their mental and emotional well-being. Burnout becomes a looming threat, as the people pleaser struggles to balance the conflicting demands placed upon them.

The relationship between a "people pleaser" and a person with narcissistic behavior in the workplace can evolve into a puppet-master dynamic, where the accommodating nature of the people pleaser is manipulated to serve the narcissist's desires. Recognizing these dynamics is crucial for both individuals involved and for creating a healthier work environment. Establishing clear boundaries, promoting assertiveness, and fostering a culture of mutual respect can help mitigate the impact of such dynamics on the well-being of employees.

by Marcos DeLima
Lets avoid workplaces like that forever!