What Toby Wants You To Know About “Work Spouses”

Hey Jim. Step into my office for a sec. No, Dwight didn't report you for the Jello incident. Close the door, would you? Thanks.

Ok, what's the deal with you and Pam?

She's constantly finishing your sentences, knows your exact sandwich order (ham and cheese, no mayo—don’t ask me how I know, Toby won’t let me answer that), and somehow, every time Michael calls an emergency meeting about his latest hair-brained million-dollar idea, you two are already sharing little smirks and looks across the conference room.

What do you kids call it these days? Your work bestie? Your office BFF?

Truth is, Jim, the folks over in corporate are starting to call you guys "work spouses."

< cut to talking head interview, Jim looks into the camera and shrugs >        

We've all been there. Or have we all? If you haven't, you know someone who has. You know folks who where in that… situationship.

And that’s what we're going to talk about today: getting rid of that word "spouse" in the office.

The Work Spouse Phenomenon

Here's a stat that would make Stanley annoyingly look up from his crossword puzzle and give us that classic eyebrow raise with a head tilt look. According to a recent Health Assured study over in the UK, of 2,000 office workers surveyed, 72% say they have a "work spouse."

You read that right—more than 7 out of 10 people have someone at work they're so close to, they're basically married... professionally speaking, of course.

Story Time

When I was 21 or 22, I had an office job. I was a proud Junior Procurement Agent working in the heart of SoHo, NYC. I had a coworker. We did lunch, break walks, wings after work, yada yada. You know, just work besties. Until we started giggling in meetings ?? No bueno. No bueno at all.?

According to that UK-based Health Assured study:

• 20% say they know everything about their work partner's personal life
• 23% would rather confide in their work partner than their actual romantic partner about emotional issues

< pan cut and zoom to Toby who looks exhausted and defeated >        

Why We Click With Our Colleagues (And is it really a bad thing?)

Look, Jim, I get you enjoy having a close friend at work. Even Pew Research recognizes that relationships with coworkers and bosses are often the most positive aspects of a person’s job. And yes, we’re all suddenly conflicted about the exact definition of “relationship” in that last sentence. Moving on.

So, think about it—who else in your life really understands:

• your office politics
• that one client who starts every sentence with "I need…"
• what days of the week the breakroom will definitely smell like microwaved fish
• why we all instinctively look at the camera when something ridiculous happens

I mean, it’s great. Isn’t it?

A long, long time ago, we launched a thing. It was pretty big thing. Our senior-most leader promised us a pizza party in celebration. A few of us over lunch, and before meetings started, over the next couple of weeks, kept referring back to the pizza party. Two things: A) we’re not in middle school, and 2) it never happened. Well, it turns out, that little inside joke kinda got out of hand, as we would slyly insert it into comments in meetings with the senior leader. Soon enough, they got wind of it. And made good on the pizza party promise. I think a year went by. ??

Your Situationship Survival Strategy

Steer clear of phrases like "we share a brain", "we're practically joined at the hip", and, of course, don’t ever say "work spouse." Instead, opt for the more professional "right hand" or "number two."

The Problem With Your "Work Spouse" (It’s you, not them)

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines spouse as “married person: husband, wife.”

That term comes with some pretty heavy baggage:

1. Exclusivity?
2. Special privileges
3. Intimacy

I know I could have explained those a bit more. I did, then I deleted the explanations. It’s more fun to let them sit there awkwardly.?

Ok Dr. Jareau Husband Dad Dude, so what should we call it instead?

I’m going out on a limb here. Work with me on this. How about—and you might hate me for me for this—how about we just call it what it is?

• "A trusted colleague"
• "A long-term collaborator"
• "A professional partner"
• “Teammate”
• "A work bestie" (if you insist on being cute about it)

Toby called, he said, "That person who knows where all the bodies are buried" isn’t an approved HR term.?

How to Build Strong Work Relationships Without the Weird Labels

Great working relationships will yield you two types of Pros (the Cons are next):

1. Practical Benefits

• Complementary skills: you're great at PowerPoint, they're great at Excel, together you hit a home run at the quarterly review meeting
• Increased productivity: many hands make light work
• Seamless collaboration: you finish each other's... spreadsheets

2. Effective Benefits

• Strong social networks
• Emotional support

Not so great work relationships have a few red flags (the Cons):

• your relationship at home is suffering because of your work relationship
• you can’t be objective about your work partner
• others on your team feel excluded
• you start referring to yourselves as a package deal in meetings

The Bottom Line (Because Every Business Article Needs One)

Ok, so you skipped ahead. Welcome. Here it is. The bottom line. Close work relationships are fantastic. They make your job easier, better, faster, brighter, and the occasional business travel drinks after dinner thing really enjoyable. Just let's leave the marriage metaphors where they belong—in our actual marriages. Mmmk?

Side note: I was at a Town Hall once long, long ago. One person up there spoke about how the partnership with a vendor or supplier (I forget) was like a courtship. An executive leader said

“We went on a few dates.”

Another later chimed-in with

“After a few drinks, things got loose.”

A third senior leader, rather unwittingly said,

“We got in bed with the <supplier/vendor> ??"

??true story.

< cut to Creed nodding devilishly: "I've had three work spouses. That I know of." >        

Instead of courting a "work spouse," “work wife," or “work husband,” build strong, professional relationships that:

• respect boundaries
• include others
• maintain professionalism
• don't further exhaust Toby, he’s not well

I mean, Jim and Pam ended up alright. But that's TV. Life isn't a scripted mocumentary—no matter how much of a sitcom you think your workplace is. And let's be honest, for every Jim and Pam out there, there's a Michael and Jan, right?

Your Homework

? Take 1.2 second, look up at the ceiling, and think about your closest work relationship

? Ping them on LinkedIn

? Do you have a current situationship that needs clarity?

? Send your work bestie a link to this article

I’m not saying distance yourself from your most trusted colleague. I’m saying build meaningful professional relationships that don't allow room for matrimonial metaphors.

< cut to Michael looking longingly at a picture of his boss, Jan, on his desk >        

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