"What Will They Think of Me?" How to Navigate the Fear of Judgement and Stop It From Holding Us Back?

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"Nidhi!!!! You are not going to believe what just happened. I won my company's Toastmasters impromptu speech competition today. I got the first position. Yay, I am so excited and happy! Call me as soon as you are free."

This is a voice message I had received from my best friend about two years ago. The conversation we had that day is unforgettable. As soon as I called her, I could hear a palpable excitement and joy in her voice.

"You know, I had been thinking of participating in this competition for ages, but I did not. I used to ask myself, what will my manager and my team think of me? What if I went on that stage and made a fool of myself. I was afraid that I will not come across as confident and competent. I worried that they will think I don't know what I am talking about. And so, I stopped myself from participating in something that was on my list for years. I wanted my manager and my team to think and know that I could be best at public speaking too. So, I waited. However, this morning when I received the event invitation, it was as if I had a light bulb spark within me. Something told me that I had to stop worrying about what everyone was thinking. I was no longer trying to get anyone's validation or approval. This made me feel assured and confident. I gave myself a chance. And I won, Nidhi. I won." She told me.

As my friend reflected and shared this me, I could not have felt prouder of her. She had overcome a fear, I was quite familiar with. The fear of "What will others think?" The fear of judgement and other's opinions about us. Our evolutionary instincts make us want approval and validation from the larger community around us. Our brains trick us into believing that acceptance from people around us is crucial for our survival. But, in the modern world that survival instinct is stopping us from growing.

As I turn the lens to my own life, I see several occasions when I felt driven by a fear of "What will my clients think of me?" In 2014, I became a first time mom. It was also the year when my coaching and training practice was gaining a lot of momentum. I had begun to receive a lot of business. I was learning to find my balance between motherhood and my career. In those days, I would do everything I could, to hide my struggles as a mom-entrepreneur-coach. I would worry that if my clients knew that I was also spending a large part of my time at home, attending to the needs of my baby, they would think I am not committed or competent enough to facilitate a Leadership Communication programme. So, I seldom talked about my experiences as a mom.

In the early days of my business, I would also hesitate to share my creative interests and hobbies in food blogging, dancing, music, painting and poetry from my clients. I worried about their judgement. I was fearful that instead of talking about "HBR journals" and "McKinsey Reports", if I was sharing my experiences of experimenting with Thai Curries, Bollywood dancing and Poetry writing, that would somehow make me less of a coach.

Looking back, I know that my younger-self cared about other people’s opinions and judgements a lot.

How the fear of judgement could be holding you back from reaching your full potential?

In my over decade of coaching and training leaders and teams, I have seen this fear manifest in so many ways. A client once confessed that the fear of his manager's judgement was stopping him from admitting his burnout. Another leader once expressed how the trepidation of her team's judgement had stopped her from showing up on LinkedIn. A client discovered during our coaching session last week, how she felt anxious before her zoom presentations because her peers' judgement concerned her.

This fear of people's judgement can be self-limiting. It can stop us from:

• Creating and trying new things
• Moving forward on our goals and vision
• Becoming the most authentic, truest version of ourselves
• Feeling confident and bold and brave

So, now I want us to turn the lens on us. How about you?

Have you ever thought to yourself, "What will they think of me if I do this?" Can you take a minute’s pause and identify how this thought has harmed you? How has this false fear stopped you from reaching your highest potential as a leader, as an entrepreneur or creative, or as a parent?

Question for you:

What would you do

If today

You were not going to worry about

What others are thinking of you?

How can we navigate the fear of judgement and become more bold, brave, and confident?

1. Identify where and how this fear shows up for you

First step is to look within and assess how is this fear holding you back today. Is it stopping you from asking for that promotion or client project? Is it stopping you from writing your first LinkedIn post? Is it discouraging you from asking for more flexibility at work so that you can support your little kids? Make a list of all the things you would do, if you were not worried about what others are thinking of you.

2. Make Friends with Fear

This sounds counterintuitive, but our goal is not to “overcome and fight” fear. Our goal is to make peace with it. Our fears have a way of keeping us safe. It is our biological response to something that feels like a threat.

Instead of trying to overcome it, which feels like an uphill task, try to navigate through it. Make friends with your fear and move forward along with it.

3. Acknowledge your Strengths & Approve Yourself

Take sometime today to make a list of your strengths. Notice how you have used them to overcome challenges and make forward strides in the direction of your goals.

Accept and acknowledge the strengths within you. Remind yourself that no one outside of you can approve or dismiss, what is inside of you.

4. Connect with your “WHY”

When I turned 30, I decided that I no longer wanted to be held captive of my need for approval and validation. I no longer wanted to worry so much about everyone’s opinions and judgements. Why? Because I realized that it was essential for me to put my creativity out there in the world and not die with it inside of me. The risk of getting rejected by others felt miniscule in the face of the risk of regretting on my deathbed. When I connected with my “WHY”, and gave myself permission and approval, the need for external validation began to dimmish. I started my food blog. I began sharing my struggles and victories as a mum who worked outside the home. I laughed with my clients over my Bollywood dance routines. And I felt much more confident and assured in my coaching and training practice.

Trying something new, creating your art or article and sharing it on the internet, speaking up at a meeting or on a stage, can all feel intimidating. I am currently writing my first poetry book and I am terrified. We feel vulnerable and exposed. In those moments, it is important to remember, that every opinion and judgement, whether from someone else or from us, is only a thought. That thought is not the eternal truth about us.

In those moments, remind yourself that is more important to pay attention to “What do I believe to be true and What do I need to do to feel free?” rather than narrowing our energy to “What will they think of me?”.

Remember, you are not what they think about you. You are, what you believe about yourself.

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That's all for today. Thank you for reading this till the very end.

Please do share your thoughts and tips on how do you navigate the fear of judgement and "What will they think of me?".

As always, I would love to hear your stories and struggles. Together, we can help each other become BOLD, BRAVE and BRILLIANT.

If you would like to share a thought, ask me a question or learn more about my Coaching and Training Programmes on the topics of Leadership, Communication, Confidence and High Performance, then drop me an email at [email protected]. I would love to hear from you.