"But what will they think?" is a killer of big dreams and great outfits

“I love that, but I can't wear it”

“Why?”

“Well because I wore it once and {person in my life} made a comment.

“So how did you feel whilst you were wearing it?”

“I felt great”

“And how do you feel when you look at it right now?”?

“Oh, I love it. But I can't wear it again”

?……..

This is a real conversation I had with a client recently. It's also the basis of many conversations I'm having on Linkedin and Instagram.

On recent example -

"I want to dress up for the office but everyone is so casual now that I'm afraid of being overdressed."

And another - ?

“ I bought a dress a while ago and I LOVED it. It's a bit out there for me, maybe, but when it was on I felt good. But {someone} said something about it and now I feel like I can't wear it again because I obviously look stupid.”

?I have one word for you -?PROJECTION.?

On both sides.

In the first example, you're projecting your fears about being overdressed onto other people and trying to guess their reaction.

In the second example, the person who made the comment is projecting their beliefs about what clothes are supposed to be.

And let me remind you - your opinions about someone else aren't about them. And someone else's opinions of you, aren't about you.

Read that again.

Someone else's reaction to your outfit, your choices, the way you live your life… is NOTHING?? TO?? DO?? WITH?? YOU.?

Everybody?is viewing everybody else through the lens of their self-perception. If someone doesn't like your outfit (or anything else about you) - it's actually something inside of them, telling them something about themselves (oof, tounge-twister!)

This?can?be hard to remember in the moment, because when someone makes a comment about us it goes to our deepest, darkest fears about ourselves.?

Our basic instinct is survival - and so comments can hurt because to our egos, they feel like rejection.?And in evolution, we needed to be accepted into the community, because those beasts who were rejected by the group rarely survived in the wild.

There are parts of your brain that go way back. In one sense, these parts are great because they keep you safe (ie, 'Don't just off that tree, you'll break something). In another, they're not-so-great (because they keep us safe). You're brain can't always differentiate between a rational thought about danger (tree-jumping) and an irrational one (Simon doesn't like my skirt).

Because to your brain - both these things spell danger.

?The key is to getting to a place where the only person whose approval matters… is yours.

And there's even GREATER freedom in realising that?your?reaction to someone else's outfit/life choices/body (and your reaction to their reaction of yours)… is about you.

You can simply say 'OK' and move on. You do not need to absorb their stuff.

Humans are energetic beings and when we absorb other people's negative energy, naturally we feel negative.

We can make a choice not to.

We can remember that other people's opinions aren't anything to do with us.

Once you realise this, you can become a more expanded version of yourself, and lead others to the same realisation.

You have more power and freedom, because you no longer care 'what they think'.

?In the case of the client above, we did some coaching exercises, and I was able to help her get back into that dress and feel fantastic in it again.

?But I wanted to share this example, because it's something that I hear all the time. Specifically in the context of going back to the office after the pandemic.

'Style' has changed, the 'rules' seem to have changed, but without clarity from our bosses we are left confused about what to wear.

We might realise that wearing tracksuit bottoms isn't the best thing for us - but because that's what other people are doing, we allow ourselves to be led by them and not by our internal voice.

And I just?know?you've got something in your wardrobe that you love but you're too scared to wear because ‘what will {they} think?!’

And so here's a question for you - what if 'what they think' is... 'wow she looks amazing, that's encouraged me to dig out the skirt I love and wear that tomorrow.'

Before you know it, the office is full of colour, people feel a little more confident and as a result they are more productive.

?So I thought I'd share 3 things for you to remember:

1. Someone else's opinion of you is none of your business - their opinion is just a thought. Thoughts don't mean anything. It isn't even owned by the person who thinks it, because it's come from the subconscious beliefs that they've been taught. By deciding to take that thought and own it, you're continuing to perpetuate whatever narrative has been passed down to them through generations. Nah. We ain't here for that.
2. 99% of the time, people are so wrapped up in their own stuff, that what they're thinking isn't about you - they are simply (as above) viewing you through the lens of their own self-perception. If they even notice you - I know that's a tough thought because you too are a creature who thinks about themselves first (it's natural). But often we place so much importance on people looking at us when... they aren't/ They don't always truly see us because a) they're so busy with life in general and b) they're busy having an internal conversation with themselves.
3. You wearing that outfit and allowing yourself to shine might just encourage someone else to do the same - even if they never tell you that. Trust me. You're underestimating your power to do some good in the world. Keeping yourself small serves no one.