What They Taught Us About Interruptions

The “Presidential” and Vice Presidential Debate featured two kinds of interruptions that people face: Standard Issue Interruptions and Off-the-Rails Interruptions.

Interruptions occur for three reasons.

1. Friends are bantering and equally talking over each other.
2. Someone with more privilege thinks they have the right to interrupt someone with less privilege. 
3. A bully is trying to show dominance.

One is fun! Two and three are are not fun at all, and difficult to combat. Here’s how you handle them.

STANDARD ISSUE INTERRUPTIONS

The way that you choose to shut down an interruption has consequences.

After the Vice Presidential Debate, many online questioned why Kamala Harris hadn’t been more forceful shutting Mike Pence down. That line of thinking is exactly why this type of interruption is so tough to deal with.

If women shut down interruptions they run the risk of of being labeled overly sensitive, “bitchy,” or other words historically used to shut down women with opinions.

Black women face even more challenges when interrupted. They must craft their response while navigating both womanhood and Blackness. With even the slightest show of frustration, they can be written off with the race specific stereotype, “Angry Black Woman." The conversation then shifts from what the woman is saying, to how she overreacted about being interrupted.

As a Black woman, Harris had to shut down these interruptions without losing voters’ favor, which is about as easy as a tightrope walker juggling fire.

And she did. 

Harris handled the interruptions perfectly, using a sequence I like to call...

"TRY, TRY AGAIN, USE 'THE FORCE' "

How Senator Harris did it.

TRY

1. POLITE VERBAL DISAPPROVAL: Harris told Pence to stop. “Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking.” And then, with a smile, “I’m speaking.” ("I'm Speaking" may become the "Nasty Woman" rallying cry of this election. Masks, t-shirts, GIFs and TikToks are already flooding the internet.)
2. NON-VERBAL DISAPPROVAL: Pence kept on keeping on. Harris smiled that time honored smile, the one that says, “Does everyone see what this guy is doing and how I'm sitting here politely as he obnoxiously talks over me?”

TRY AGAIN

1. VERBAL DISAPPROVAL: Harris tries to speak again.
2. NON-VERBAL DISAPPROVAL: Pence still won’t wait his turn, and keeps talking. Harris inhales deeply for the sake of the audience, amping up her show of frustration.

“THE FORCE”

1. NON-VERBAL & VERBAL: Harris raises up her hand in the “Stop” position, to signal to those watching how hard it is to shut him down, and says, “If you don’t mind letting me finish we can have a conversation, OK?”
2. INTERRUPTOR CONCEDES: Pence says, “Please.” (It’s important to note his “please” sounded like, “But of course, go for it, that’s what I wanted all along.” This is false. Imagine the smoke and mirrors he could have pulled off had she gone at him hard the first time.)
3. FINAL SHOW OF DISAPPROVAL: Harris continues with an exacerbated “OK.” She then plows into a powerful point, which he now fears interrupting. Boom.

The point of this approach is to draw as much of your audience's attention to the interruption as possible after your first attempt to shut down the interruption fails. This allows you to be much more forceful, and not look like you’re “overreacting” on your third attempt. This usually works when the interruptor wants to appear as if he is being reasonable and civil.

This approach does not work, however, when the point of the interruption is not to dominate the conversation, but instead to show dominance over the other person.

OFF-THE-RAILS INTERRUPTIONS

Trump's style of interruption is meant to be noticed, and is done for the purpose of bullying and intimidation.

Many of us have encountered situations like this at least once in our lives. 

Off-the-rails interruptions consist of a constant barrage of aggressive, rude, loud, dishonest, outlandish remarks meant to throw you off track, infuriate you, or intimidate you.

Thankfully, there are ways to handle situations like this. 

I call this the “Try, Try again, Win by Walking” approach.

SAFETY FIRST

If you are not safe, do whatever you need to do to stay safe, even if this means remaining silent. The tactic below presupposes three things.

1. An ally is there. (Emotional safety and a witness.)
2. The interruptor is not violent. (You are physically safe.)
3. You won’t suffer if you get them angry. (They can’t punish you professionally or personally later by firing you, withdrawing access to finances, etc.)

When you agree to a fist fight and your partner shows up with an AK 47, it’s hard to know what to do. Normal tactics won’t work in this scenario, as people who use it are like Trump. They cannot be shamed.

Here's what to do.

TRY, TRY AGAIN, WIN BY WALKING

Round 1

Stop talking.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but it often works. Stop talking and let the interruptor talk. Do not try to stop them.

Visibly Distract Yourself

Occupy yourself with something else. Look in your purse. Take notes. Gaze into the sunset, as Biden did, gaze into the audience. Just be sure you say nary a word and let them talk. This may initially make them happy, but eventually it could make them angry. That’s ok. Anger may induce them to blurt out their opinion faster.

Look at them, but say nothing

When they have stopped talking, don’t do the normal human reaction, which is to jump in and try to get your opinion heard. Instead, turn your full attention to them, and let the silence hang for a few seconds. (Count to five, slowly. It will feel like forever.)

Prepare for Pushback

During the silence, they may get angry and say something like, “WHAT?! Why aren’t you talking?” or “Don’t you have anything to say!” They also may say nothing. Maintain steady eye contact.

Ask if they are ready to listen

When they have caught on to the fact that you won’t get into a screaming match with them say, “I’m waiting until you’re done interrupting me. Are you done?”

Double Check

They may say nothing, or they will say they are done. Either way, say “I will engage with you, but I need your assurance you will not interrupt me.” If they let you talk, you’re good. If not, Round 2!

Round 2 - Try Again

If they say they will not interrupt you, but do so anyway, repeat the process above again.

This time your “double check” should be this:

“Last time you said you were ready for me to talk. Then you interrupted me again. Are you able to control yourself while I talk?”

They will probably say yes, because no one wants to look out of control. But then, you have the Trumps of the world. If you encounter what I have now coined a “Trump Interruptor,” go to ROUND 3!

ROUND 3 - WALK

If they interrupt you a third time, I can promise you this: They will not stop interrupting until you stop the engagement.  

At this point, you should leave.

“But isn’t that giving up?” you ask.

No, it is setting a boundary that you will be heard, or you will not engage.

SETTING A BOUNDARY

“You appear unable to control yourself. This is not a dialogue. I will not continue this conversation. I’m leaving.” 

Then leave. 

Be sure not to leave without saying the words above. This will signal to all the witnesses that you tried your best and the other person’s bad behavior, not you giving up, that resulted in the end of the engagement. 

SHOULD YOU REALLY LEAVE? WHAT IF BIDEN LEFT?

I believe Biden should have left. It did not serve him to stay, nor did it serve the American people. 

Biden should have looked at Trump, used the strategies above, and then when they didn’t work, turn to the camera and say the following. (He should have these words even if Trump was talking over him.)

“The American people deserve better than this. This is not a dialogue. I believe these issues are important. They impact you and your families. Our President cannot control himself, or play by the rules. He is robbing all of you of a chance to learn about the issues and where we stand. You knowing what I stand for matters. I’m going outside to answer any questions about my policies from the press and from members of the public.” 

Crazy? Unheard Of? Perhaps. 

But so is behaving like a five-year-old rather than a civilized adult. When your opponent does not play fair, give him a chance. If he continues, leave the field. Leave the field and draw attention to the bad behavior. That’s the only way you will win.

LEAVE BULLIES ALONE.

Imagine what Trump would have looked like standing, all alone, on that stage. When someone is off the rails, there is no reason to continue the engagement, even if you are debating the President of the United states. 

The best thing to do with a bully is let them know this: You will not be bullied. If they do try to bully you, you will take your toys and go home, and others will cheer you on for doing so.

Trump could use this lesson. 

Biden would have been an excellent teacher.

It’s a damn shame that President Trump and Vice President Pence’s greatest contribution to communication is teaching us all how to navigate their bad behavior. This is but one example of their suspect communication techniques.

Beyond serving as great examples of bad communication behavior, they also reminded the American people of something else as well.... as if 2020 wasn't enough of a reminder. Voting matters.

Written by Eliza VanCort

I'm a motivational speaker with an eclectic background in both the arts and political science. My forthcoming book, A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO CLAIMING SPACE: Stand Tall. Raise Your Voice. Be Heard., will be published by Berrett Koehler in the Spring of 2021, and is currently available for pre-sale on Amazon. You can learn more about me on my website.

Please contact my speakers bureau, The BrightSight Group, if you are interested in my talks and seminars on empowering communication for a better world.

For all media inquiries please contact Fortier Public Relations.

Edited by Kiana Chow