What taking myself out to restaurants teaches me about Change Management

Last week, a friend travelled to Seville for work, and she decided to extend her stay over the weekend. As she went out for dinner, she dropped me a note saying: “I’m sitting in a restaurant all by myself.” Without thinking, I texted back something I have learned over the past two decades: “I love taking myself out on my own. There is immense power in that, enjoy!” This small exchange reminded me of many conversations I have had with friends, and even with my mom, about going out on my own – to a restaurant, to a cinema, to a new travel destination. Enjoying my own company started as a necessity because of traveling and frequent relocation, and I ended up loving it tremendously. I lost count of how many times I heard “I could not do it”, accompanied by looks covering the entire spectrum from pity to admiration, through dismay, disapproval, envy and inspiration.

Solo dining, as eating out on your own came to be coined, tackles “the stigma of loneliness”, and brings into the conversation a phobia with a name just as frightening as its meaning and implications: solomangarephobia, defined as the fear of eating alone in public, especially at the restaurant. Those who have solomangarephobia have absolutely no problems eating alone at home, but it’s almost impossible for them to eat alone in public, at the restaurant. Less so when it is a pub or fast food, and the worst meal of all to have alone in public is dinner. People who have solomangarephobia don’t necessarily want to have someone with them to eat. No, the problem comes from what other people might think. Those who have solomangarephobia think people feel like only sad, friendless people, those who got stood up eat alone at the restaurant. Basically the losers, those who are stigmatized. And research shows that women eating out on their own are being judged more harshly and get more sympathy from onlookers. They also get seated away from restaurant windows, usually by the kitchen or restroom, the areas where restaurants wouldn’t put a large party of diners they want to keep for longer, and for longer bills.

There is a wonderful quote from actor Keanu Reeves – the fact that his iconic “Matrix” character, Neo, also had the alias “The Anomaly” is particularly adoringly ironic for this conversation, and I do say it to myself quite a lot when I enjoy my own company: “Someone told me the other day that he felt bad for single people because they are lonely all the time. I told him that’s not true I’m single and I don’t feel lonely. I take myself out to eat, I buy myself clothes. I have great times by myself. Once you know how to take care of yourself company becomes an option and not a necessity.” I have come to love eating out on my own. And if you think that is a tell sign of me being single, think again! I also take myself out when I am in a relationship, and it happens equally when my partner is away or otherwise enjoying other plans. I take myself out to eat as an intentional practice to know who I am above and beyond circumstances, contexts, situations, as a precious reminder of the power and freedom to make life choices, over needing solutions to life’s necessities.

As I enjoyed a lovely early dinner this past Saturday at one of my favorite restaurants, I started thinking about what eating out alone has been teaching me about Change Management. I hope you will get a generous serving of inspiration, curiosity, courage, motivation, support and unwavering celebration from the thoughts below. Bon appetit!

Intentionally practice making your own choices and decisions. Thinking back at conversations about planning going out to eat, it surprises me how often the phrase “I don’t mind” comes up. Not minding the restaurant choice, the menu, the “allocation” of food, as it is decided to either “I will have the same, thank you”, or “Oh, if we are sharing, I will just order something else than you, please go ahead.” There you go, decision made. Eating alone means that you don't have anyone to double-check your decisions - where to eat, what to order from the menu, and where you want to sit (that is, if you choose to challenge the staff’s decision to keep your “misery” safe from the world by seating you in the “safe corner” next to the kitchen.) You have to trust your own gut and intuition, and not run through the should have, could have, and would haves in your head. Solo dining fights something that research in the field calls “poverty of enthusiasm and ideas”, and what a great takeaway for change work that is!!! Looking back at my journey of getting comfortable with eating out on my own, I now realize that, in addition to my love for it, something else has changed. I used to be hesitant to send food back or give less than stellar feedback when on my own. As if they couldn’t do the same “funny business” to my plate behind the kitchen doors with ten other people with me around the table… I am totally fine with doing that now, but it took practice. Eating out on my own has made me more and more comfortable and confident in making my own choices and decisions, a fundamental “tool” for any change work. It also taught me to be comfortable sitting through uncomfortable situations of being looked at and judged, oftentimes misjudged, as well as looooong moments of silence, accompanied with the “free side” of incredulous stares. Eating out on my own made me totally and delightfully comfortable with standing out (technically, “seating down”) like a sore thumb. When doing meaningful change work, you inevitably come to challenge beliefs, habits, processes, statuses, comfort zones, and I have learned that it can oftentimes feel like… well, solo dining. The more you are used to make and stand by, or should I say, “sit by?”, your choices and decisions, take the silence and judgmental looks with an inner smile, the better change maker you get. Now take yourself out for dinner and celebrate that!

See people above and beyond their circumstances. Many restaurants are simply not set up to cater to dinner for one. Restaurants themselves might see those eating alone as a smaller bill or a hindrance to turning over tables to larger parties. However, restaurants should cater to patrons eating alone. Every guest is an opportunity to demonstrate your restaurant’s ability to offer not just tasty food, but wholesome experience, too and to continually bring in business down the line. If this reminds you of stakeholder engagement, please keep on reading. In a wonderful blog on webstaurantstore.com, the case for meaningfully accommodating solo dining is built as follows: “In the short run, some restaurants might view those eating alone as a smaller check or a lost opportunity for a larger table, especially during a busy shift. In the long run, however, treating solo diners with the utmost hospitality can be a meaningful and lucrative experience. Providing consistently accommodating service is a sign of integrity in your business practice. The emphasis should not solely be on how to yield the most profit, but rather on practical planning as well as your food and hospitable qualities. The profit will naturally arise from a healthy balance of the two. You never know who you are serving, and solo diners may return either by themselves or with company. A table with one person can be an easy table. Service can be a busy and occasionally chaotic experience, so when a server has a table of one, it may add a relaxing note to the dining rush. It’s easy to have the attention of the guest when taking orders, and you only have to cater to the needs of one guest as opposed to two, four, six, or more.”?Keep these points in mind when you go through your stakeholder engagement strategy and plan. One of the things I enjoy most is coaching people for their writing and public speaking engagements. Recently, I had a conversation that basically came down to one question: “Who do you think got the invitation to speak at this conference: you as a person or you as a role within your company? If you quit tomorrow, how many invitations will you still receive?” And that touches on our dining conversation with the takeaway question: who do we primarily engage through our stakeholders management, the person, their current organizational context, intentionally both? We look at people and see not necessarily who they are, but rather where they are within a given social construct (a group of diners, an organizational hierarchy). In dining terms, who do we serve: the person or the “company of their company?”

Take the compliment, with a bonus on top. When solo diners come to your restaurant, take the compliment of them liking your food and service. And look for the bonus on top: they also feel safe. When you do change work, and someone comes to you especially with something that “stands out” like a solo diner, be that information, opinion, observation, comment or feedback, take the compliment of being a safe, trusted space.

Solitude, the kind we elect ourselves, is met with judgement and enslaved by stigma. It is also a capacity absolutely essential for a full life. British author Sara Maitland explores the many facets of solitude in her book “How to Be Alone”: “Being alone in our present society raises an important question about identity and well-being. (…) How have we arrived, in the relatively prosperous developed world, at least, at a cultural moment which values autonomy, personal freedom, fulfillment and human rights, and above all individualism, more highly than they have ever been valued before in human history, but at the same time these autonomous, free, self-fulfilling individuals are terrified of being alone with themselves? We live in a society which sees high self-esteem as a proof of well-being, but we do not want to be intimate with this admirable and desirable person. We see moral and social conventions as inhibitions on our personal freedoms, and yet we are frightened of anyone who goes away from the crowd and develops ‘eccentric’ habits. We believe that everyone has a singular personal ‘voice’ and is, moreover, unquestionably creative, but we treat with dark suspicion (at best) anyone who uses one of the most clearly established methods of developing that creativity - solitude. We think we are unique, special and deserving of happiness, but we are terrified of being alone. We are supposed now to seek our own fulfillment, to act on our feelings, to achieve authenticity and personal happiness - but mysteriously not do it on our own.”

We think about storytelling, having conversations and going out to eat as (almost) exclusively linked to other people, outward-looking. Yet the most meaningful stories, conversations and meals are those we have with our own self. Change work is all about people, and yet it gets terribly lonely every now and again. As in work, so in life… or the other way round, whatever way it applies. Use solo dining to fill the following with your own deeply personal and special meaning: “I know what I bring to the table, so trust me when I say I'm not afraid to eat alone.”

Curiously, and importantly, mastering the art of solitude doesn’t make us more antisocial but, to the contrary, better able to connect. Take this piece from Sara Maitland with you as a “dessert” from this reading, which applies to life and work relationships equally: “Nothing is more destructive of warm relations than the person who endlessly ‘doesn’t mind.’ They do not seem to be a full individual if they have nothing of their own to ‘bring to the table,’ so to speak. This suggests that even those who know that they are best and most fully themselves in relationships (of whatever kind) need a capacity to be alone, and probably at least some occasions to use that ability. If you know who you are and know that you are relating to others because you want to, rather than because you are trapped (unfree), in desperate need and greed, because you fear you will not exist without someone to affirm that fact, then you are free. Some solitude can in fact create better relationships, because they will be freer ones.”

Until next week, keep calm and take yourself out to a nice restaurant.