What Suits Ya? -- Joe Dinki

The great American suit, whether it is tailored made or of the rack, cotton, wool or rayon. They are silly things to wear. The men’s suit is a confining and evil device seems to be a symbol of class and placement, of order and conformity; the suit classic suit is an evil device. Here’s why:

           1. Shoulder pads. Whether you have shoulders of not, the shoulder pad tucked into the lining of a man’s suit lends one a false sense of linearity, sleekness and proportion. Trouble is, that most men have none of these attributes inside where it counts; relying on "padding" to take responsibility in these area’s is easy and is often the ironic rule to be leery of when dealing with men in suits.

         2. What color is that anyway? Are the colors and sheen of men’s suits really those found in nature? Yes. Under the sea. The slightly gray, slightly, green and slightly blue hues you see before your eyes on your co-workers and bosses, Accountants and Bank Clerks, Money managers and Marauders...all decked out in that Aquatic hued world of the American suit, signify their affinity with sharks, eels and other slippery creatures who simply get away from the grasp of probity.

         3. Brothers in Arms. What arms? You mean tell me I worked out for three years at the club and the milquetoast in the beige Honda next door is given the same wide berth on the Pullman Car of life? Yes. The great leveler of any body type, the American Suit fails to show off any advantage or highlight any physical short comings.

         4. A misguided form of respect: I would rather show up at a friend’s wake, a wedding ceremony or Bat Mitzvah in a collarless shirt and jeans, in what I feel best in, at my best, acting my best, than wearing a suit.

         5. Any number of killers and criminals wore suits a their sentencing, It seems to say: See, see, I’m willing to put this on and look like any other phony baloney, gimcrack yahoo. Don’t sentence me to death! You wouldn’t do it to Jimmy Fallon.

         6. Most televangelists and guys on Fox News hawking spit and vinegar on TV are wearing suits. As if the confinement, closure and the collar stays are jabbing into their brains making them say things so loudly and so vehemently...it has to be true.

         7. False sense of authority. It goes way back to around early 20th century when only Oliver Wendell Douglas and President Taft wore suits. The rest of us just ran around barefoot acting like Huck Finn or the Dead End Kids. Suits are always aligned with images of power and influence. I said Images.

         8. It’s a tie! What on earth is that piece of cloth knotted around one’s neck, drooping down towards one’s waist, for? What purpose does it serve? How did it come about and why doesn’t anyone question it? It reminds me of an exclamation point, or a special alien device that lets the Aliens know which one of our males is a Wendy’s manager.

         9. Yes, yes. It’s a class thing, part of our automatic thinking, a knowable symbol in a world of complexity and confusion. You might have just been out place or down sized or farmed out or traded or divorced or gone bankrupt but you still got your suit.

         10. Ten paces at Men’s Wearhouse. Here we don’t like each other, we compete on everything, you covet and envy my stuff as I do yours, let’s don our suits and duke it out. After all, the Knights of Old had their armor, the suit with its Dacron. Polyester blends, all those little hooks looping with other hoops is very similar to chain male in the days of old.

         11. Why are Bill O'Reilly and Wolf Blitzer, Conan and others, sportscasters. newsmen, Senators and teacher, fools and foremen alike wearing suits? Where are they going? They’re at work, I get it, but put on a T-shirt or even a sweater; let your humanity make us laugh, report our scores, make us shovel crap or govern our country! I dare you.