What Stands in the Way, Becomes the Way

We all deal with setbacks in our personal and professional life.?Seems like no matter how much planning and preparation we do, inevitably we face obstacles, barriers, and resistance to the best laid plans.?When we face problems, it’s how we react that is most important.

The Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius (121 – 180 A.D.) acknowledged this with the simple statement: “What stands in the way, becomes the way”.?Others, like Jack Canfield, have expressed it in a formula.?The formula reads “Event + Reaction = Outcome”, stressing that without a reaction, no outcome can be determined. It also means that no event by itself has any meaning until you attach your reaction to it.?So how you react to setbacks in your life is key to finding the meaning of things that happen to you in life.

Below are 6 steps that I’ve found are helpful when dealing with setbacks, along with two very personal life experiences.?The first is a personal setback my wife and I experienced, and the second is a professional setback my friend and colleague John Teeple experienced in his career.?(Many thanks to John for contributing and sharing his story on this edition of The River)

1.????Accept it.?Acceptance can take time and be difficult.?Spending energy on complaining, wishing it wasn’t happening, or other negative thoughts is just wasting time and energy.?Begin by acknowledging the reality of the situation and you will be a lot better off.

2.????Stay positive.?We have choices to make in life.?Some are major and others are minor.?A relatively simple choice we have in life that can have a major impact is to simply choose to be a positive person.?Choose to assume good intentions in others.?Look on the bright side as there is always a positive element in everything we face.

3.????Take action. Setbacks can sometimes paralyze us and stop us in our tracks.?It’s OK to step back and think for a bit, but do not let inaction set in. Take a small step to act in a positive and constructive way. The paralysis can be very real, and it can be difficult to even realize you are stuck. If you find yourself in this situation, the first step is the hardest. Find a way to move in a positive direction. Once you start, you’ll find and build upon your own momentum.

4.????Talk about it.?Find someone you trust to have a conversation about it.?At the minimum journal about it. There is something magical about talking through an issue with a trusted friend, or placing your thoughts down on paper.?It clarifies things and often times things are not nearly as bad as what you might have thought. ?Pro-tip: This is perhaps the most critical step. It’s easy to want to close up and isolate but walling yourself off is the worst thing you can do. We all have people in our lives that want to help us – spouses, family, friends, clergy, professional colleagues.?Find someone and talk to them.?Get over your fear, self-loathing, apathy or embarrassment and reconnect with those you love and the world around you. Share your thoughts, fears, challenges and seek feedback.

5.????Learn from it.?No matter what comes your way in life, there are silver linings to everything.?We just have to activate our sensory perception to see them. This is one of the hardest parts of dealing with setbacks – looking for the positive outcomes that can be brought into your life no matter how major the setback is. They are always there and often it will take time to see those silver linings……but you will!

6.????Have faith.?Trust that everything that happens to you happens for a reason, and sometimes we can’t always make the pieces fit together and understand why.?When you are in this situation, trust that a higher power is in play for the good of your life. At some point things will make sense but in the meantime have faith that your life is headed in the right direction no matter how dire things may seem. ?Can I get an “Amen” from you on this????

Tony’s story

I was 25 years old and recently married when my wife and I decided to start a family. We quickly learned that it wasn’t happening naturally and through a variety of medical tests discovered that we had unexplained infertility.?This was incredibly frustrating for us and brought us to the brink of despair on many occasions.?Faced with something we couldn’t control we felt helpless.?This was exacerbated by many of our friends and family starting families of their own.?We were very happy for them, but privately we were devastated.

To make a long story short over time and through the advances of modern medicine, we were able to conceive 3 children through In-Vitro Fertilization over an 8 year period.?It was a very difficult and challenging experience for us, but in looking back we grew tremendously as a couple.?Our commitment to each other deepened. We treasured even more our role as parents.?We grew in our faith.?We learned to support each other through tough times.?We developed strong relationships with friends and family who supported us.?While it was a challenging time for us, it was probably the one thing that really helped us grow early in our marriage.?It didn't feel very good going through it at the time, but in looking back we are grateful for the experience. Next year we will celebrate 30 years of marriage and the dividends of how we dealt with this issue are still with us today.

John’s story

My 23-year career ended without warning and at time and in a way that I could never have expected. For the last fifteen years of my career, I was blessed with impactful and challenging assignments and increasingly broader leadership roles. I was supported with professional development experiences, outstanding senior leadership mentors, and executive coaching. I spent much of my adult life invested deeply in the success of the business, developing outstanding talent, and business transformation. ?My affiliation with the brand and the industry was broad and deep.?I took great pride in all the employees, leaders, dealers, products, processes, peers, and industry colleagues I interacted with.?The job nearly defined me by my 10-12 hours in the office every day and significant amount of mental bandwidth the rest of the time.

My response to my setback didn’t begin with a time of reflection.?It began with a deep and painful feeling of loss, fear of the unknown, and a sense of isolation. All of this despite so many family and friends reaching out to offer support. What would I do next? What impact would my choices have on my family? So much of my career success and self-worth was based upon the combined set of experiences, relationships, and outcomes over decades – how could I translate that with a new organization? Were my skills and experiences transferrable? Could I ever find a position or company that could compare to my experience at John Deere?

It wasn’t until my setback that I had the opportunity to “take a breath”. I decided to reflect and assess my career and life through a very different set of lenses. A setback can serve as a blessing in disguise. It can provide the freedom for self-assessment and discovery, to engage with family and trusted advisors and to re-evaluate your priorities in your career and life. In my case, I spent several months doing many things that I loved, spending time with my family and dusting off my bucket list. I also spent a lot of time alone, driving to fly fishing trips in Wyoming and Colorado, bass fishing on our lake and sitting in a tree stand in northern Iowa. During these times I had the opportunity to think about my life and over time developed a recognition of what I had become and what I wanted to change.

For example, I was proud of my ability to balance work and life but I wasn’t always present. I made difficult decisions in order to attend nearly every one of my children’s events throughout their childhood. ?While physically present, my mind was consumed with work-related issues, challenges, and strategies to be developed. I sometimes sat in the bleachers at football or volleyball games or dance competitions answering emails, sending text messages, capturing thoughts/ideas, etc.

During this time of reflection I discovered how much of my identity, friendships and self-worth were associated with a public company, the brand and my job title.

My setback became an opportunity. It gave me new perspective and a new approach to my career and life. Over time, I’ve continued to experiment, learn, and craft a new career that provides exciting challenges, personal fulfillment, and flexibility. It also gave me a renewed sense of work-life balance with improved time with family and friends. I am more fully present today for the people and experiences that matter most to me.

Without my setback, I would never have had the opportunity to course correct and chart a new and more purposeful course for myself.

Thank you for reading?The River, and if you have enjoyed it please subscribe to receive notification of future articles. Please help spread the word by sharing The River with your network with an encouraging word asking others to check it out. A special thank you to those of you who have posted comments to share your experience and advice. I'm grateful as these interactions inspire me, and I'm certain it has helped others in their journey.