What should you do if you're being bullied at work?

Bullying is one of the most underreported, yet omnipresent aspects of the modern workplace.

The 2017 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey showed that almost 60% U.S. workers are affected by bullying.

And yet, if you’re facing bullying in the workplace, you may feel alone and frightened, unsure of who to ask for help or what to do.

If you are in this unfortunate situation, it is important for you to understand what you are dealing with systemically, and what the best way forward is. That can be hard to do while you are going through the emotions of anger, fear and helplessness, so understanding these factors can be helpful as you seek some peace as well as a way out of those dire straits.

Shouldn’t HR be of help?

As I prepared to write this, literally every bullying resource online offers tips on how HR can offer trainings and other resources aimed at curbing bullying. And yes, HR can come up with lunchtime sessions with polished slide decks to help check yet another box on their “to do” list.

However, outside of those PR-powered sessions, do not depend on Human Resources for help. I have had several friends who work in HR tell me as much.

HR’s primary responsibility is to protect the company rather than individual employees. To wit, of all the sexual harassment scandals brought to light by the #MeToo movement, how many would have been addressed early on had HR done their job? Or, if what they did really mattered?

Tl;Dr, when it comes to solving real human problems, HR is like a fruit stand at a country fair in the deep south; they provide nothing more than decorative optics.

Institutional Resistance

Contrary to stereotypes, workplace bullies are not always the loners and social misfits looking to remedy a lifetime of grievances. Often times, they are seemingly secure in their roles but insecure in their capabilities, and this often leads to them bullying those with limited means of fighting back.

Whatever their internal demons, they portray a charming external veneer, network well, manage up (the suck up, spit down phenomena at work) and create the illusion of being a critical part of the overall team. As such, they create the very dynamics that protect them.

Additionally, as bullies accumulate power and accomplishments, other key players in the company become invested in their success and safety. Anyone calling out the bully therefore, risks alienating their protectors as well.

As an example, commentator Erick Erickson disinvited then candidate Donald Trump from an event due to Trump’s comments that were disrespectful to women.

Three years hence, without Trump having renounced any of those words and views, Erickson is onboard the Trump train because of their agreement on other policies and actions.

And then, there is also the element of the powerful willfully protecting the rotten amongst them. During my time at Netflix, CEO Reed Hastings spoke passionately about inclusivity, tolerance and respect for people of different backgrounds. His famous culture memo says: On a dream team, there are no “brilliant jerks.” The cost to teamwork is just too high.

Yet, when his friend and Chief PR officer Jonathan Friedland insensitively used the N-Word in front of multiple employees, Hastings refused to fire Friedland for more than 3 months. This is notable since Netflix fires subpar employees within days, if not weeks; but when it came to holding their fellow C-Suite occupant accountable, Hastings and his mainly pale and male leaders stuck their principles in a stale red envelope and used snail mail rather than streaming in high definition.

Human Nature

Even if all else is ok, human nature abhors confrontation. We tend to delay difficult decisions, until rescued by consensus or forced by crisis. Even colleagues who may be aware of the bully’s habits - and make no mistake, awareness in hushed tones always precedes loud revelation - tend to rationalize looking the other way. People who know better and could do better use whataboutery or simply put it down to “personality conflict.”

I have also witnessed folks deluding themselves that in the case of bullies, evidence of such a basic shortcoming is proof of secret genius, and being treated harshly by someone of such caliber must be a badge of honor.

This is especially the case since most bullying occurs one-on-one, and is therefore very hard to prove.

In light of all this, with a career, a reputation and your livelihood on the line, is it worth being the first to take a stand against the bully? Is it worth challenging the axiom that often, the first mouse gets the trap rather than the cheese?

Yes, it is worth calling out the bully.

As long as you realize, and accept, that chances are that you may not get justice for yourself but for the many others who would suffer if not for you. The wheels of justice move slowly, after all.

If you choose to accept this mission, here are some tips.

First, document your interactions. Keep online memos with details around what they said, in what context and when. These are time stamped and therefore preserve a contemporaneous record of the bullying. If matters ever come to a head, this digital paper trail may prove to be the breadcrumbs that lead you out of the forest.

Second, confide in colleagues and mentors. At every job, I have cultivated mentors and senior leaders for guidance and exchange of ideas. Importantly, these need to be relationships separate from day-to-day work; they can offer candid advice credibly because of their distance from the volatile situation at hand. Another goal is to start establishing a more complete and truthful narrative about the bully among their peers to compete with the one they have created.

Third, use employee peer reviews. This system is typically not used as well as it should be to provide positive or constructive feedback. There is always a chance that a bully may overplay their hand or commit some other apostasy that gets them closer to accountability, in which case the powers that be may looking for additional evidence to get rid of them. A well documented peer complaint against them could come in handy at that time. You need to convince yourself that justice delayed is not always justice denied, but merely justice on detour.

Human beings are vulnerable to what Polish philosopher of science, Ludwik Fleck, called a “thought collective.” According to Fleck, such a collective shows deference to the charismatic, herding towards majority opinion, punishment for deviance, and intense discomfort with admitting to error.

For a company to detect and defenestrate a bully, it has to go against this timeworn theory. It would admit to have erred in hiring and hiding such an undesirable character.

Given the costs of bullying - reduced employee morale, attrition, possible legal action - you’d think that employers would be wise to take action sooner rather than later.

But then, even an alcoholic will accept the pernicious impact of their consumption on their liver. And yet, they repeat the self-degrading action to their detriment because stopping would force them to examine the costs of their delay. Self-destruction is an addiction, and somewhat easier for companies in today’s high turnover workplace where people are deemed dispensable.

Bullies recognize this dynamic and take advantage of it. The rest of us see truth and professionalism as pillars hoisting our society. Bullies see them as rotten planks of wood that they can knock down as proof of their bravado.

It would, of course, be helpful if our bosses did better and put their money where their mouth is. Until then, they need to know that those who keep snakes in their backyard are often the last ones to get bit, but they do get bit.