What should working mothers do?

Childbirth is a milestone in a couple's life. It is when two people decide to bring a little human into the world, it is when two people commit to being present and to provide this vulnerable bundle of joy with the best possible life. It is a positive milestone and one that should open new horizons to a couple. However quite often, the mother ends up being the person having to deliver on this commitment at a hefty personal and professional toll.

Aren't your kids the most important thing in your life?

At a recent dinner a male friend of mine asked me; aren't your kids the most important thing in your life now? To which I paused and I replied, no! And I thought, why was I even asked this? Should they be the most important thing in my life? Would he have asked my husband the same question? Am I a bad mother for saying no?

It got me thinking, there is this implicit bias that a mother's life and aspirations should only be second or third behind her children's and her husband's. There was certainly no malice in my friend's comment. He genuinely believed that if mothers wanted to work, they can and no one would stop them. In his mind, it's the women who wanted to be full time mothers and in some cases he may be right, after all we grew up in a region where it is the man's responsibility to provide for his family and there were no expectations from the women to do so.

It is up to the mother to ask herself, what do I really want? And what is stopping me from getting there? Is it the centuries of conditioning and assigning gender roles that are totally intimidating? Is it access to quality education that puts me at a disadvantage from my male counterparts? It is cultural pressure? It is confidence in my abilities? Is it lack of opportunities? Is it the work model that doesn't account for the needs of mothers? Is it the chauvinism and the harrassment?

I think it is important that we raise these topics with our colleagues, bosses, families and friends and arm ourselves with the knowledge to distinguish what is our right, our choice, what is cultural and traditional and what is totally absurd, immoral and even illegal. It is time we openly discuss the amount of conscious and unconscious biases that we mothers face. And we start with ourselves. We talk ourselves up not down, we believe in our own capabilities, we negotiate and don't settle and we build alliances.

The "motherhood penalty" which is the wage gap between women with children under 18 and men with children under 18 is about 69 cents earned by the mother for every dollar earned by the dad

Here are some realizations and tips for working mothers to consider.

1. Children are a result of a mutual decision and most working people around us (men and women) have had children, that's what life is about! Everyone is aware of the amount of dedication, love and time that goes into educating and raising well rounded humans. This is a point that has to be made in the "maternity/ paternity leave" debate, but that is for another post. So if you are a woman reading this, raising children is not a task that you should shoulder on your own nor have to justify to an employer, nor have to pay for with your career. If that is the case, then why would working women even consider having a child?
2. It is totally acceptable for you to demand work that commensurates with your experience, abilities and career aspirations and it is totally expected that you get compensated accordingly. Irrespective of your husband's status and financial position, you should not compromise on the value that you bring to the table nor should you allow an employer to discriminate on that basis. Yes, this is happening today.
3. Growing in your career requires sacrifices and in many cases work has to take priority. Work trips need to be taken, late meetings need to happen, a weekend work retreat is required. In the same way as it is "ok" for the man to do so, it should be equally "ok" for the woman to do so. Don't feel guilty.
4. You are entitled to have dreams. You want to own a business? go for it. You want that CEO job? go for it. You want to get that MBA? do it. Life is short, your kids will always love you. In fact, I can almost bet that in most cases, your kids will be proud of you. So don't forgo your dreams, the impact on your self worth would be too big to bear. Disclaimer here: EVERY woman wants the best for her kids irrespective of her job, education, social status etc. so having a career would not dilute her love and her intentions.
5. Lobby to change how things are done. If COVID has showed us anything, it is that a crisis can be used to either create opportunities or debilitate us. While early results seem to show that women's careers have suffered as a result of COVID mainly due to home schooling, it has also become clear that remote work is here to stay. If you feel that remote work is something you're keen on doing, ask for it, lobby for it.
6. Organize with other women and men and communicate about the issues. We need to have each other's backs. We're all aware of the pay gap between men and women and research shows that there is even a wider gap between mothers and men. In her latest book Power Moms: How Executive Mothers Navigate Work and Life, Joann S. Lublin, former management news editor for the Wall Street Journal talks about the "motherhood penalty", the wage gap between mothers and men which is about 69 cents earned by the mother for every dollar earned by the dad. This cannot continue to happen under our watch.

Motherhood should be a positive force and a badge that a woman can wear with pride. Having a child should by no means be an excuse to kill a woman's career and aspirations

As women, we should recognize that men are our allies in this fight and it is important that they're not excluded from the conversation. This is not about women only panels or women only networks albeit they may be effective to go against the men only panels, small battle but not the war. It is about having men and women fight for an issue that should be a priority for every man and woman. We all have mothers, wives, daughters and we want them to have better prospects than we ever had.

We should by no means disregard the efforts that are already driven by men out there who are standing by their wives, their female colleagues and employees. This post merely attempts to highlight that the gap is wide and more importantly, the biases are so ingrained in us that we need to actively be aware of them and like any myths that exist out there, we need to bust them!

Motherhood should be a positive force and a badge that a woman can wear with pride. Having a child should by no means be an excuse to kill a woman's career and aspirations.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic and would appreciate your tips or references to best practices being applied by companies to address some of these biases. Also feel free to reach out to me on [email protected] if you have recommendations about other topics that you would like me to tackle. If you are interested to hear from successful female entrepreneurs on the topic, you can check out my podcast "Conversations with Loulou", episode 10 with Dina El Mofty the Founder of Injaz Egypt an NGO on a journey to empower one million Egyptian youths via access to entrepreneurship, financial and work readiness skills, episode 13 with Dr. Nadine Hachach Haram the Founder of Proximie, a company on a mission to democratize global access to healthcare via a revolutionary technology that allows surgeons to perform critical operations virtually and episode 17 with Tara Rogers-Ellis the Co-Founder of Mojo PR, a boutique PR agency working with global and regional brands.

To access all episodes on the Podcast visit ConversationswithLoulou.com or your favorite Podcast Player. Apple Podcast, Anghami, Spotify, Deezer and Youtube.