What should impress you?

Life has a way of changing your focus.??In the last few months, we lost both my wife’s parents. Today, one of my buddies lost his mom.??Makes you take a step back and reassess life.??

As all of this was on my mind, I was reading articles on LinkedIn and I came across two lists – each with about a half dozen words on it.??The lists provided examples of what to be impressed by and what not to be impressed by in life.??The “to be impressed” list were “valued” traits we seem to always discuss when appreciating others such as: kindness, honesty, generosity, humility, integrity, and empathy.???The “not impressed” list was more about “things” such as: money, titles, appearances, social media, and achievements (we all have those friends who like to always talk about these things).??

A simple set of two lists, but lists I wish I paid more attention to early on in my career. The second list has merit and does require hard work and dedication, but it is not the things people will remember about us when we leave this earth.??Thus, I thought I would take a few moments to provide my insights and thoughts about all of these.??

Let’s start with the things we should not be impressed with.??(Please do not take this as a slight that I am not impressed with the hard work and diligence required to EARN some of these.)??

I have always coached my team, my fellow execs, and my family that as you “chase” money and titles to find happiness – you will never be satisfied.??Someone will always make more, have more, have a bigger title, spend more.??Happiness cannot be bought.??Despite how powerful money is, it can’t change the way we feel about ourselves. That’s where most of us go wrong. We want to be powerful; we want to be cool. We want to be admired, and most important, we want to admire ourselves. But money can’t do anything to change the way we feel about ourselves.??Our insecurities will survive becoming wealthy. If we’re not proud of who we are, money won’t change that. If we don’t believe in ourselves, money will fail us there, too.??“Money doesn’t buy happiness.” A Google search for that phrase gives you a gazillion results all reinforcing, with science and emotion, that happiness is not for sale.

When I chased after money and titles in my youth, it seemed like I never had enough. I wanted the next promotion, the next raise, the next title.??As I look back, it was sometimes at the expense of my friends and family.??Don’t get me wrong, I was an involved parent and friend, but looking back I missed a few kid events, some funerals, weddings, sports/scouts/school functions I wish I could have attended.??After my mom passed in 2003 and I refocused my life on purpose and kindness, then I started to become happier and more satisfied.??I started to focus on why I did and how I did something.??I could miss work to attend a lacrosse game and the world did not end.??I could miss work to see the student spelling bee and the company did not go bankrupt.??A wonderful side effect was having confidence that my team would handle everything – and they did so in a wonderful fashion.??

When our focus is on how we do things, generally good things will follow.??After you achieve those titles or raises, you quickly realize nobody important in your life truly cares about your money or titles.??They appreciate you the person – not the “medals” you wear.

Appearances.??This is a tough one.??As uncomfortable as it may be, we are under the microscope every day. Our employees, our colleagues, and our customers judge us by how we look, how we dress, our table manners, how we speak, our grooming, and?sometimes?even how we walk.??That does not mean WE have to be so judgmental.??The world judges all of us.??Sometimes when we are not even aware…

I once walked into a large retailer on a weekend with my then 13-year-old son.??I had been painting, so I was wearing paint splattered shorts, baseball cap and a fairly messy t-shirt.??Not an icon of fashion by any measure.??We had just moved into our new home.??We needed some new furniture and TVs.??I was celebrating my new job and was going to buy a few flat screen TVs for our home.??We walked around the store and for over 45 minutes (it was not busy, and the store personnel were “walking the floor”).??My son and I watched as numerous store employees looked at us and continued to help other “better dressed customers”.??I decided to just wait it out to see how long it would take to be helped.??I took this opportunity to tell my son to listen closely as I asked for the store manager.??He came over to speak with us and I nicely explained I was here to purchase multiple flat screen TVs but his employees chose to not interact with me.??I was taking my business to another retailer but explained he may have a “teaching moment” with his team.??He pleaded for my business, but I decided they did not value me based on my appearance.??This led to a deeper discussion with my son (once we got to the car) about gender, race, disability etc.???Appearance matters, but not in as many ways as we like to use it for.

Social media and achievements.??I have said this before, but social media does an excellent job showing all our friends and peers (and the world for that matter) all the great things we do in life.??We very rarely see posts about things many of us face like health struggles, messy divorces, the loss of a loved one, domestic abuse, struggling to feed our families, financial stress, mental health issues (thanks Simone Biles and Michael Phelps), anger management, depression, etc.??The list is lengthy.??And we never want work to know about these issues.??We, too often, judge ourselves in comparison to our friends’ and co-workers achievements (and social media fictional lives).??Nobody lives a life like it is portrayed on social media.??Nobody.??

Just this week, I lost my mother-in-law, my good friends’ mom, and struggled to help ease the pain my wife is going through (let alone, stay “strong and positive” for my own family).??Did my social media reflect this???No.??Not because I was unwilling to share, I just do not want to burden others with any negativity or sadness.??They have their own issues.??The vicious cycle of social media we all live with.??Even in the passing of my mother-in-law, I posted fun pictures and a sweet verse (not about my sadness or struggle to deal with having only ONE of our four parents remaining).??Maybe we need a “behind the face”-book platform?

So “things” such as: money, titles, appearances, social media, and achievements are all wonderful, just not how we really are valued as parents, siblings, friends, family, or spouses.??

What I am impressed by are personality traits.??Highly valued traits such as: kindness, honesty, generosity, humility, integrity, and empathy.??Who does not want to hang around with friends, family or co-workers who possess these traits???And I bet, if you have people in your life with ALL of these traits – they are high on your list.??Keepers.??Special friends.??Super siblings.??Awesome bosses.??Wonderful co-workers.??

As I mentioned, years back, I adopted the “kindness is currency” approach to life about kindness being a currency, with that currency having many denominations: compassion, courage, creativity, celebration, forgiveness, loyalty, listening, generosity, humor and respect.??Kindness is free.??You can pay it forward.??You can change someone’s day with it.??You can navigate through life with less stress.??You can feel the power of kindness as you share it with others.??The next time an airline customer representative has an angry customer, after they leave just ask the rep “how they are doing”???A simple question.??Listen and smile.??Watch their reaction.

Generosity refers to the “virtue of giving good things to others freely and abundantly.” Generosity a learned trait that involves both attitude and action—entailing as a virtue both an inclination or predilection to give liberally and an actual practice of giving liberally.??It also has been shown to increase our own bodies release of endorphins.??Making others feel good, makes us feel good.??And it is not just monetary giving: holding a door when someone has their hands full, thanking a military woman for her service, handing the landscaper a bottled water on a hot day, or just smiling at a parent with a screaming baby. Give of yourself. Give time and effort to our family and teams.

Humility, integrity, and honesty.??Expected in all of us.??Not always delivered.??Can we accept praise but remain skeptical? I think a good way to remain skeptical is to listen to our friends – friends are not afraid to be honest with us and give it to us straight.???Our college and high school buddies have a wonderful way of keeping our egos in check.??As leaders we need the friendship of 1 or 2 close colleagues whom we trust to tell the truth to us.??We need to truly reflect on our own shortcomings. Take time out weekly to gain perspective on whether what we are doing is valuable. Look at mistakes we have made. How have we treated others? What can we improve upon? What can we do differently???Also, look for reasons to praise and compliment others on our team. Be?genuine?and?authentic?in our praises.???Take responsibility for mistakes and be honest about them.??Do what you say you will do.??Our team is always watching us.??And try to look for ways to help others to succeed and become successful.

And finally, when we're able to experience empathy, we're?more likely to build and fortify social connections. It also encourages us to regulate our own emotions. It is a key component of emotional intelligence, and it promotes helping behaviors.?

These aren't just amazing traits as a person; they're also ones that will make us better leaders.??Our time is limited.??Make a positive impact with yourself AND on others by practicing?kindness, empathy, generosity, humility, integrity, and honesty.

Together.??We.??Win.