What should I do if I say the wrong thing?

A 3-point approach to turning an oops into a win

Try as we might to be inclusive, thoughtful, and mindful in all that we do, mistakes are truly and unabashedly inevitable. ?This is especially true for those sensitive topics at the intersection of workplace and human – the so-called thorny subjects of race, gender, and ethnicity. At these intersections, both the possibility and the repercussions of saying the wrong thing – however inadvertently – feel especially high.

So, it’s only natural that one of the most common questions I get from clients, friends, and audience-members is “How can I avoid saying the wrong thing?” And while this is a well-intentioned and important question, and one worthy of discussion, the quest to avoid erring is long, exhausting, and in most cases, futile. Instead, I argue, we should focus on the more useful and practical question: “What should I do when I say the wrong thing?”.

Preparing over avoiding

Here’s why focusing fully on avoiding an oops is not the most constructive. ?

There's rarely a right.

First, in the most sensitive areas of DEI conversations, there is oftentimes not a “right” answer. Leaning into conversations about race, gender, ethnicity, religion, and many other topics require us to hold hands in the gray areas, where things like truth, right, and wrong, are different to different people and distinct situations.

A perfect example of this can be found in the debate over which term is best to describe the vast and growing cohort of Hispanic vs. Latinx vs. Latino/a/e individuals across the U.S. As I walk through in this Uncomfortable Question, the simple/not-simple answer is this: different individuals prefer different terminology depending on a range of factors. In this case, there is no one “right”, but rather a range of rights that are each valid in their own way.

What's "right" is often evolving.

Second, even in cases where there is consensus on a “right,” that “right” can change and evolve over time as terms and concepts fall in and out of favor. ?The evolution of how we refer to indigenous peoples, for example, shows us that terms we considered standard even 15 years ago are now considered offensive. (Just take the renaming of the Washington Redskins to the Commanders as one example among many).

So, aiming to know the “right” term in every situation is not only futile, it is stressful, adding pressure and fear that keeps far too many of us from leaning into the very topics we want to further.

By focusing on preparing for the inevitable – aka a mistake – is much more useful; not only does it remove the fear of saying the wrong thing, it equips you with a set of tools that can turn these mistakes into opportunities for leadership and trust-building. This, in my book, is a win-win.

Below is a simple set of tips to keep in your toolbox to handle the awkward situation of saying something that may offend someone – even and especially in the cases where you didn’t mean to.

Pause, Apologize, and Prioritize: a 3-point approach

Step 1: Pause

In the moment that someone points out that what you've said or done has somehow offended them, the first and most important thing you should do is pause. Stop, take a breath, and know that silence – just a little – is completely okay.

These moments that may feel like a confrontation trigger our fight-or-flight response, which is often a delightful mix of panic, dread, awkwardness, and in some cases, anger or disagreement. This kicks us into a state where we might react far too quickly. Instead, give your system a chance to calm down physiologically. What's more, this pause can often serve as a powerful signal to the person you’re speaking to that you’re listening and taking seriously what they’ve just shared. The impulse to fill the space and quiet is real and strong, but in this moment, believe the power of the pause.

Step 2: Apologize

The next thing to do is simply and directly apologize. Again, our instinct in these moments is usually something different; we are quick to explain ourselves or clarify our intention or cover it up and move on to something else. However, in nearly all of these instances, this reaction can be received as defensive and/or dismissive. Instead, offering a simple and direct apology is extremely powerful here -- even if you don't agree with their initial point.

Step 3: Prioritize

In many cases, you may feel misunderstood, misinterpreted, or falsely accused of something -- and you may be absolutely right. However, the priority in this moment isn't being right; it's acknowledging the feelings of the other person. While this may feel hard, it's especially important for anyone who is in a leadership position. It’s important to note that intent does not equal impact, and in the moment of concern, we need to prioritize the impact.

Intent, of course, is still important, and I discuss how and when to share that below.

A few more tips

These 3 simple steps will be your greatest asset in the heat of the moment when someone tells you you've said or done something "wrong." In most cases, however, you’ll want to have a follow-up conversation to understand and repair, which -- when done well -- helps you convert the challenge into trust-building.

1 – Don’t be afraid to ask for clarity, if needed

Sometimes, the mistake might be obvious, and the apology can be straightforward. But in some instances, you may not even fully understand why what you said was offensive. In those moments, it’s okay to ask for clarification—after you’ve apologized.

For example, you might say: “Can you help me understand what was offensive about what I said? I’d really like to learn so I can avoid doing it again.” This shows genuine curiosity and a willingness to learn.

However, be mindful that the other person may not feel ready to explain at that moment—and that’s okay, too. If they decline, simply thank them again for raising the concern and commit to learning on your own.

2 - Thank them for their courage

It takes immense courage to tell someone that they’ve said something offensive. The fact that a colleague feels safe enough to express discomfort is a positive sign of psychological safety within your workplace. By expressing gratitude for their openness, you encourage a culture where feedback—especially on sensitive issues—can be shared more freely. A simple, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I really appreciate it,” reinforces your commitment to creating an inclusive environment.

3 – What if you realize you may have offended someone, but they didn’t say anything?

There will be times when you only recognize a potential mistake after the conversation has passed. In this situation, everyone can benefit by going back and addressing it. Approach the person with humility and acknowledge your misstep without putting pressure on them to validate. This allows you to take responsibility without placing the burden of forgiveness on the other person.

For example, say something like, “I’ve been thinking about what I said earlier, and I realize now that it wasn’t appropriate. I apologize, and I just wanted to make sure I’ve acknowledged it.”

Mistakes are opportunities in disguise

Making a mistake, especially for a leader, can feel like a huge threat to our credibility and ability to lead. However, when approached thoughtfully, these moments can strengthen relationships, foster a culture of learning, and build deeper connections with our teams.

The most important thing to remember is this: don't let the fear of making a mistake hold you back from leaning into the very conversations we need more leaders leading.

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Melina Cordero is the Founder & President of P20 Workplace, a firm that delivers digital leadership development and DEI solutions built for the post-2020 workplace. Read the story of how she leapt from commercial real estate executive to DEI innovator, explore her services, and connect with her on?LinkedIn, where she shares the latest data, research, and ideas on the evolving world of work.

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