The struggle of conflicting emotions

It's been awhile since I've written. In truth, other things ended up taking priority, and I was beset with some family issues that I've been trying to manage.

Recently, I listened to Brené Brown 's podcast where she interviewed 2 showrunners Tembi and Attica Locke. Tembi wrote a bestselling book From Scratch about her life story, and together, they worked on producing it into a Netflix series. It is a thought-provoking, honest series about life - no sugar coating, just real good storytelling.

One of the things they discussed was that it is possible to hold more than one emotion at a time. For example, Tembi described the joy of having her daughter sit on her husband's lap (when he was dying) but also the grief of knowing he was no longer going to be with them the following year.

It resonated strongly with me, and as I listened to the podcast, I burst into tears. I've been struggling with many strong and conflicting emotions in the past few months, mostly linked to my parents.

I am very aware that all families have their own stories and struggles; and perhaps some have a far worse situation. But this is the family I am part of, and my challenges thus feel unique, and at times - very heavy.

In our culture, we have been raised on the concept of "filial piety" or looking after your parents and never forget that they gave to you when you were growing up. Because of that, I try my best to be a "good daughter". For example, helping them with tech issues, cooking for them (during covid), listening (and even mediating) through their very frequent and very bitter arguments and so much more.

However, herein lies my conflict - supporting them often comes at a cost to my own mental health. And the past 12 years, in my own journey towards a more fulfilling life, I've come to recognise that playing that role - that "good daughter", the mediator, the rescuer - is really not good for me. Oftentimes, I emerge from there emotionally exhausted. ??

On the one hand, I am grateful for them giving me such a strong headstart to life - never having to want for anything, having a good education and travelling as young as 8 years old. And when they became grandparents, taking my daughter to swimming classes, and my mum picked up my daughter after school. When I went to study in Philly, they came along for half a year to provide support while my husband and I both studied.

But on the other hand, they have also been fighting for 30 years, most of which at our expense. They are either fighting over us, over money, over past baggage, or over little things. And my sister and I are expected to mediate and intervene, often putting us in the position of favouring one over the other (such a sucky feeling). We have to go through long family meetings, which end up with no definite outcome. Sometimes, when we say "no" to meeting them cos we are tired from work, or just want a break, we get guilt-tripped into saying "yes" because we are supposed to be the "good daughters". Together, they have caused us so much agony and pain.

Most recently, there was another issue - related to money - that came up. I could throw money to resolve the situation, but at the heart of it is deep seated baggage, unresolved trauma, so much resentment and hurt. I feel compassion towards their own pain - my mother once told me that she lives in a "world of darkness", while my dad gets anxious each time they quarrel. But I also feel my own emotions - resentment (why me?), anger (they should know better) - very deeply.

I was very firm and certain that with my husband and 2 children, it would be an opportunity to start afresh. I didn't want the pain that I have been experiencing for 30 years, to be inflicted upon my own children - they don't deserve it. So I work hard to create a positive environment, to be the support that I didn't have. I worked (and still working) very hard to overcome the trauma that I myself am carrying, to break the negative cycle. Most days, I am able to be the mum I want to be; but on somedays, I sound exactly like my mother. ??

To manage this, I've practiced everything that I teach:

• Forgiveness meditation
• Focusing on what I can control
• Perspective taking
• Tuning in to my own emotions, staying non-judgemental
• Saying sorry when I was wrong
• Taking long walks in nature to heal
• Intentionally creating moments of joy and love

It has helped tremendously, and if not for my work, I'd be sinking, drowning under this weight.

So in some way, I was relieved to hear Tembi share about conflicting emotions and how they can co-exist.

I can be angry, resentful, frustrated AND also be grateful, kind and thoughtful. It doesn't have to be either-or.

I'm reassuring myself that I'm doing the best that I can:

• I still meet my parents weekly so they can spend time with the kids
• I made my mother's favourite peanuts the other day
• I took my dad out to eat porridge for breakfast

AND

• I don't pick up their calls on a working day so I don't have to face a potential barrage of negativity
• I don't answer to every email that is sent (sometimes capitalised in RED) or I'm in the cc
• I don't say "Yes" to every request.

In so doing, I'm honouring ME first, while still maintaining a relationship with them. It's so difficult to do at times, but it's what I believe will break the cycle.

So this newsletter is a little different - it's not about solutions or strategies, it's about my life and the real struggle of conflicting emotions.

I'm not sugarcoating it because that's what I'm really experiencing - and maybe when you read this, you can relate. In which case, I hope you know that you're not alone. I know that in the moment it can feel that way - and often as I shower my tears stream down my face - but you are not. If you too, feel the guilt and conflict that I do about being that good daughter, reach out because weathering it alone only intensifies the emotional load you've to carry.