What Does Setting Boundaries Feel Like?

Setting boundaries should be taught in schools, that is what I feel. Because growing up, no one taught us to. Forget teaching, no one even lead by example. At least in my life, I would say.

The first time I felt like boundaries were crossed in my life was when my journal was “caught” by my parents. They wanted to inspect what hanky-panky I was a part of as a teenager. Funnily enough, I had a clean record all the time. I was a straight A student, never involved in any type of teenage drama, and kind of a loner in School who buried her head in the books. My parents received nothing but compliments for their daughter. And yet, this happened.

That was my moment of truth, to be honest. I was so hurt by my invasion of privacy and crossing of the personal boundaries that I secluded myself emotionally. You can invade my journal but you cannot invade my mind. That was my way of having control.?

It worked for many years. It still does. I hated them for a long while but I now realize, there was a lesson, a key takeaway from that fiasco which I would have needed to learn and remember for the rest of my life. And that is, set and PROTECT your boundaries.

Now coming back to professional life, it isn’t always easy to protect your boundaries. It is too much work, TBH.

The most frequent instance where I feel like my boundaries are being crossed is when I am expected to participate in something that I don’t want to. Most of us have taken this up as a norm. You wake up and commute to office even when you don’t want to. You reluctantly join that FUN FRIDAY call when even there is no fun to be felt from your side. You say YES all the time to things that have long way surpassed your boundaries. It has been so normalized? that we don’t even see how the walls are being chipped, bit by bit. In this case, I want the wall to stay!

But you know what, you can say NO too. And I am someone who is learning to do that, everyday. It is very natural to feel left out, guilty, or even ashamed for saying NO. Most of us are also scared of any action being taken against us, if we are saying NO to something in the professional sphere. It is a courageous thing to do, for sure.?

What we can do is take baby steps. We can start with a small thing, that is important to us. We can start by protecting it. You can try setting up fixed work hours for yourself and adhering to it. You can say NO to work beyond your work hours. However, the important thing here is to set expectations with people who will be impacted by your work hours. You can be a professional and say NO too!

Recently, I pat myself on the back for taking a stand and protecting my boundaries in the workplace and that incident itself is the reason for this article. So, I had received some feedback from an external stakeholder for my work, and I felt that the words they used to convey the feedback were not very inclusive. There was this gnawing feeling in my heart and it did not feel right. I felt offended. And so, I called my lead and skip level manager and I explained how it affected me. I demanded that this be escalated through proper channels and I clearly stated that I am not going to work with that stakeholder anymore.

What I felt after that, is what courage feels like I guess…

I received immense support from everyone and I feel great for taking the stand. Setting boundaries is also liberating in real terms because it is you who gets to choose. You get to take a stand, or step back, or let go!

It is hard but not impossible. Be serious about setting boundaries and start small!

**Note: External Stakeholders refers to third-party stakeholders not a part of my Organization.