What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

As someone who is neurodivergent, finding the right words can be a challenging task, especially when someone close to you is going through a difficult time. Whether it's the loss of a parent, job loss, a cancer diagnosis, or mental health challenges, the pressure to say something supportive yet not cliché can be overwhelming. Sometimes, it feels easier to use a support or heart emoji or to not comment at all, pretending not to have seen the news. But none of these responses feel right.

I've experienced this struggle many times, and it often leaves me feeling trapped by my own limitations. However, like other obstacles in life, I’ve developed a tool to help with these situations. This tool didn't come from an abstract idea but from a real-life scenario where someone said the "wrong thing" and faced backlash as a result.

They explained what they intended to say and what they wanted to convey. At the end of their explanation, I asked, "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?" This question made them pause and reflect. We discovered that it takes a level of vulnerability to admit you don’t have the perfect words. It requires courage to say you want to support others but don’t know exactly how.

Here’s what I learned and what I want to share with you:

Embrace Vulnerability

Acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers. It’s okay to admit that you don’t know what to say. Statements like, "I don’t know the right words to say, but I’m here for you," or "I wish I knew how to make things better" are honest and heartfelt. These phrases show that you care deeply, even if you’re unsure how to express it perfectly.

Express Your Intentions

Share your intentions openly. If you want to support someone but don’t know how, say so. "I want to support you, but I’m not sure how. Please let me know what you need," shows your willingness to be there for them in whatever way they need.

Highlight Your Emotions

Don’t be afraid to express your own emotions. Saying something like, "It breaks my heart to see you going through this," or "I’m deeply saddened by your news," validates the other person’s feelings and shows empathy.

Focus on Presence Over Perfection

Your presence and willingness to listen can be more valuable than the perfect words. Sometimes, just being there and showing that you care is enough. Offering a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on can be incredibly comforting.

Practice Self-Compassion

Understand that it’s okay to struggle with finding the right words. Be kind to yourself and recognize that your effort to support others matters. Everyone has moments of uncertainty, and what’s important is your genuine intention to be there for someone in need.

Conclusion

In moments of difficulty, the words you say don’t have to be perfect. What matters most is your sincerity and willingness to be there for others. Embrace vulnerability, express your intentions, share your emotions, and focus on being present. Doing so lets you find that the words are already there—you just need the courage to say them.