What to say to veterans - and what not to - on Memorial Day

Memorial Day is right around the corner, and you may be looking forward to firing up the grill and enjoying the warmer weather. As you're heading out the office or arriving at a social gathering, you may find yourself in the presence of a veteran and wondering what to say. As a veteran, let me give you my two cents.

But first, before we move on, it's important to remember (or learn, if you're not already aware) that Memorial Day and Veterans Day are not the same thing. Others have covered this subject in much more detail, but I'll give you the CliffsNotes version:

• Veterans Day, celebrated annually on November 11, recognizes all who have served in the Armed Forces.
• Memorial Day, celebrated annually on the last Monday in May, honors those who died while serving in the Armed Forces.

I know to many, Memorial Day is just a Monday off work that marks the end of the school year, the beginning of beach and pool season, and maybe some good sales. But given the solemn nature of Memorial Day to many veterans, it's important to not be tone deaf and keep their feelings and experiences in mind.

So definitely avoid saying anything like "Happy Memorial Day." For many veterans - and family and friends of fallen servicemembers - it's anything but happy.

I also recommend you avoid the oft used refrain of "Thank you for your service." That focuses the attention on the veteran, which again isn't the purpose of Memorial Day, but rather Veterans Day (although I personally subscribe to the idea that you should never simply use the "thank you for your service" line at all; for a much better explanation of why not to, watch Wes Moore's masterful TED Talk, How to talk to veterans about war).

So what should you say to a veteran on Memorial Day? If you're struggling to find something personal to say, let me recommend this: "Is there anyone you're thinking about today?" That gives them permission to open up and share, without being pushy. If that seems even too intrusive, NPR suggests saying "I hope you're having a meaningful day."

So if I were to meet you at a cookout this weekend and you asked me who I was thinking about, here's a few people I would tell you about.

Dave Bernstein

The first time I remember meeting Dave was in the second semester of our sophomore year at West Point. All sophomores - or "yearlings" - take two semesters of physics. In the first semester I kind of coasted through, having taken that coursework while in high school. So in the second semester I got moved up to advanced physics and was in the same class with Dave. This semester the course work got hard, but he made it seem so easy. One thing about Dave that anyone who knew him definitely remembers is how incredibly smart he was. I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure he graduated in the top 10 of our class. Over the course of that semester, I learned it wasn't that physics came easily to Dave, or because of his natural intellect, but rather because of his extreme work ethic. That's another thing about him that I suspect most people remember - how absolutely focused and committed he was to doing whatever he was doing not just well, but the best.

Dave Bernstein was killed on October 18, 2003, near the city of Kirkuk in norther Iraq when his convoy was ambushed. Dave was mortally wounded while freeing a soldier who had been pinned by their vehicle, and received the Silver Star for his actions. Dave was the first member of my West Point class to die in combat.

Steve Frank

Steve was three classes ahead of me at West Point, but I didn't meet him until my senior year, after he had already graduated. Steve was an infantry lieutenant at Fort Wainwright in Fairbanks, Alaska. I spent the summer of 2000 there on a training assignment, and Steve was my mentor. Not only did I learn a lot of practical lessons about officership from Steve that summer, I also remember the personal times, and how welcoming Steve and his wife Laurel were. I was 21 at the time, and remember perceiving this couple as so grown up. Now, almost 21 years later, I look back and realize just how young they really were, with their whole lives in front of them.

Steve Frank was killed in Iraq by a suicide bomber less than five years later, on April 29, 2005. He left behind Laurel and their two year old son, Alex.

Joe Lusk

I knew Joe pretty well. We were both mechanical engineering majors at West Point, and were on competing capstone project teams our senior year. After graduation, we attended flight school at the same time, and eventually went on to both fly Apache helicopters. After we finished flight school at Fort Rucker, however, Joe and I went to different Army units and lost touch. One thing I remember about Joe is how infectiously positive he was. I'm sure he got frustrated at times, but I never saw it. I can't consciously remember ever seeing him without a smile on his face. He was always able to see the glass half full, and able to help keep those around him motivated.

Joe Lusk deployed to the middle east in January, 2005. Less than 10 days later, he died during a training flight in Kuwait on January 21, 2005, before ever entering Iraq.

Mark Resh

I met Mark in August of 2001 at Fort Rucker, Alabama. He had commissioned out of ROTC at the University of Pittsburgh. For the next 12 months, we went through every phase of flight school in the same class. Mark had a great sense of humor, but it took a little to get used to at first. He would put on this extremely convincing, serious facade about some issue. And then at just the right time he'd crack into the widest grin, and then you'd realized he had just been messing with you the whole time. In reality, Mark was one of the most laid back, low key folks I knew. He was able to take everything in stride, but also switch back into that intense, serious mode when needed, like when we were flying combat missions in the simulators or playing any kind of competitive sport.

Mark Resh was killed in Iraq while flying a combat mission outside An Najaf on January 28, 2007. Under heavy machine gun and RPG fire, Mark maneuvered his aircraft to draw the enemy's fire away from his wingman and ground forces. He was awarded the Silver Star for his actions, and a couple years ago a stretch of Route 100 in his hometown of Fogelsville, Pennsylvania was renamed as the Mark T. Resh Memorial Highway.

Torre Mallard

Torre was in the class behind me at West Point, and we were in the same cadet company. The first semester, he roomed with one of the plebes (i.e. freshman) in my squad. Torre also found himself a permanent seat at the same meal table as me, so I had ample opportunities to observe how he handled himself under pressure. West Point has evolved light years beyond some of the hazing stories I've heard from my dad and his classmates from 1972, but there are still plenty of stressful moments that make plebes sweat. Torre was one who never let those moments beat down on him. If anything, he sometimes drew more upperclass attention to himself because he often struggled to stifle a smile or laugh. When the plebes were "recognized" on a first name basis towards the end of their first year, Torre was one I was proud to shake his hand and call him a friend.

Torre Mallard was killed in Iraq on March 10, 2008, when his vehicle struck an IED. He left behind a wife and two young sons. Torre was originally from Anniston, Alabama, east of where I live in Birmingham, and after his death our local NPR station WBHM did a story on him that aired nationally: A Life Filled with Promise Cut Short.

John Hallett

John and I were classmates at West Point, but we really only knew each other casually. We shared a couple classes together our plebe and yearling years, but we didn't run in any of the same social circles. We never crossed paths again after we graduated in 2001.

John was killed in Afghanistan on August 25, 2009, when his vehicle struck an IED. He left behind a wife and three children, the youngest of which had been born while John was deployed; he never got to meet her.

Although I didn't know John well in life, I've gotten to know more of his story since. His legacy lives on through his family, as John's wife Lisa founded wear blue: run to remember, a nonprofit running community that honors the service and sacrifice of the American military. wear blue is a support network that serves as a living memorial and bridges the gap between military and civilian communities. If you're looking for a unique way to honor a fallen servicemember, consider joining their Memorial Day run/walk this year; there are several locally organized runs, or you can do one on your own.