Part I - What They Say And What They Really Mean

This is a humorous look at what IT companies say (WCS) and what they really mean (WTM) - please share if you like:

===============

WCS: We shall vigorously defend the charges of illegally copying software for use within our organisation and shall defend our integrity to the utmost.

WTM: Yeah, we did it but there was no one here who could have seen us do it. Since we have more money in the bank than our accusers, we can wear them down by legal manoeuvres. So, go and suck a lemon.

===============

WCS: We are actively looking at the problem.

WTM: We hired a new guy last week and he's banging it around. No idea yet how he's doing at the moment.

===============

WCS: Our employees are our most valuable resource.

WTM: Yep, they sure are valuable. Every time we want our share price to go up, we just sack a few of them. Works every time!

===============

WCS: Our software needs just a few minor touch-ups before being released.

WTM: The software we wrote is a pile of crap and we wouldn’t be seen dead using it. But it’s good enough for our users.

===============

WCS: We value the feedback we receive from our customers.

WTM: We do?????? Really??????

===============

WCS: Our Marketing Manager left the company to pursue other interests.

WTM: We fired the lazy sod because other than blowing a lot of money on questionable entertainment expenses, he also couldn’t sell water to a man dying of thirst. Good riddance.

===============

WCS: The batteries in our new line of notebooks may have a few issues with overheating.

WTM: The batteries get hot enough to fry eggs and it is only good luck that no one’s laptop has gone up in smoke.

===============

WCS: Users do seem to have a few issues with the new user interface.

WTM: The new interface stinks. We really don’t know the dill responsible for it, as no one here is willing to accept the blame.

===============

WCS: Users had a few issues with downloading data from our site last night but things should be back to normal soon.

WTM: Our cloud service provider has gone off-line and we have no idea what the problem is or how to fix it.

===============

WCS: Our software will be ready for shipping anytime now.

WTM: Which century?

===============

WCS: Some users may be unhappy with our software.

WTM: Users are ready to kill anyone from our company they can get their hands on for giving them such crappy software. But that’s OK because they can’t find us anyway – we live in the “cloud”!

===============

WCS: Users are unhappy with our new licensing fees.

WTM: Yes, we doubled the licensing fees because our new CEO had his salary tripled. How else are we going to pay for it?

===============

WCS: No major issues have been reported with our new software.

WTM: Our software has more bugs than a street lamp on a warm summer’s evening. We shipped it anyway because our users are so used to get crappy software from us that they won’t notice any difference.

===============

WCS: Our senior management are having fruitful discussions with potential merger partners.

WTM: We’re broke and are desperate to be taken over. If we don’t find a bunch of suckers to take us over soon, we won’t be able to continue to keep paying ourselves those princely salaries and it will be the knacker’s yard for all of us.

===============

WCS: Our senior management are having robust discussions with the company who launched a hostile takeover.

WTM: Our CEO and theirs were screaming at each other and ended up punching each other and rolling around on the meeting room floor. We think that our CEO won because theirs is still in hospital and ours isn’t.

===============

WCS: User to Support Call Centre: “Are you based in Australia? You seem to have a foreign accent.” Call Centre Reply: “We are based in Australia but all the calls are routed.”

WTM: We have one operator in Australia and 300 in Bangalore, India. We train our operators to sound Australian but we suspect that our users may be onto us.

===============

WCS: Users will be delighted with our new robust software.

WTM: It sure is robust because it may fry your motherboard if you are not careful.

===============

WCS: Our new server line is light-weight.

WTM: It sure is. On the moon! All 100 kilograms of it.

===============

WCS: Our new server line has reduced energy consumption.

WTM: Yes it has, if you measure it against the energy consumption of an ocean liner.

===============

WCS: Our new database design will offer a new and improved user experience.

WTM: Definitely, because now all queries take three times as long as before. We’ll blame it on slow hardware.

===============

WCS: Our free mobile Apps will delight our users with all the fantastic new features.

WTM: Yep, they sure will because we’ll go through your address book and copy every single contact and push them out to our cloud database (purely for ‘research’ purposes of course) and we’ll harness your browsing history to profile you. There ain’t no free lunch boys and girls! Get used to it!

===============

WCS: Children's Mobile Apps should be carefully designed to give maximum learning potential.

WTM: Never mind the learning potential! Get the little darlings to make those very expensive in-App purchases to make their parents weep and ensure that we can all retire to some tropical isle before the regulatory heat gets too much!

===============

WCS: You are guaranteed to earn huge returns when you buy our cryptocurrency trading platform application with sophisticated AI algorithms, which is a steal at only $12,000.

WTM: If this thing worked as advertised, do you really think that we would be dumb enough to sell it? Of course not, because we’d use it to clean up ourselves. All we are doing is getting gullible punters to stump up their cash. There's a sucker born every minute!

===============

WCS: Our new licensing fee structure will make owning our software cheaper in the long run.

WTM: It will in 50 years when the currency has been reduced to nothing. Until then, PAY UP!

===============

WCS: Our new software subscription model will make it easier to own our software.

WTM: Yep, it sure does in the short term but long term we'll clean you out because the subscription will keep running FOREVER (or as long as you are alive if you use our software) - stop the subscription and bang goes your software access and possibly your data as well. Long term, you will pay much more than individual old-fashioned licenses - it's much more lucrative for us. You don't like it? Well, bad luck - we call the shots now.

===============

WCS: We are using AI in our software to make it "smarter".

WTM: Who knows whether it does or not? We haven't got the foggiest idea but it sure makes us look "smart" and maybe users will overlook our buggy software to focus on the shiny new AI features that will be coming "real soon now" - just keep subscribing and keep paying so you don't "miss out" going with the latest fad.

===============

If you like the above, please share this work with others. Thanks.