What Rugby Taught Me About Having Hard but Necessary Conversations.

One of the greatest failings in leadership, organizational health, and interpersonal relationships is the inability of people to have hard but necessary conversations in real time. It is difficult between individuals, but when this capacity is lacking in organizations or nations, it is a cancer affecting culture and capability.

Fortunately, the skills can be learned, and the mechanisms put in place. I learned this while coaching rugby, and have seen the same techniques work to improve organizational health worldwide.

You just have to love people enough to help them discover what they need to know.

As Chairman of Selectors and Assistant Coach of the Developmental Rugby Team for the Eastern U.S., our team of 10 selectors would evaluate hundreds of emerging players across 17 states each year, and rank the best at least 10 deep for each of 15 positions (creating a pool of ~150 players). Eventually we would narrow the field to the 28 who would make the squad that year.

Our purpose was to 1) find ‘em, 2) grow ‘em, and 3) give them the exposure to advance to the senior territorial team, and then the national team.

Needless to say, there were more who didn’t make the squad than those who did. In those instances we tried to send them home having a good experience, feeling positive about bringing the learning back to their clubs to improve at the grass roots, and to encourage other emerging players to give it their shot.

Our ethos was that every unsuccessful player deserved a personal conversation.

The toughest part was to constructively tell someone they simply didn’t make the team, and to have specific details at your fingertips. Most were grateful for the immediate individual feedback (vs. an impersonal letter or group announcement).

All were disappointed. Some were upset and acted out.

There were a few lessons in this. The first was that as long as 95% of the people were going to be unhappy with your decision, you might as well have the best team on the field.

The second lesson was that we had a job to do; which was 1) to be fair and objective, 2) to communicate honestly (about the decision), and 3) offer guidance as to what they might do to improve, or contribute to the sport going forward.

The words, "Low-Performer" were not in our vocabulary.

Be fair and objective, Communicate honestly, Offer guidance how to improve or contribute going forward

For those who acted out, our role was not to put up with childish behavior from someone who was emotional. In those instances the standard remark was, “I know you are angry, but the decision you now face is this: Are you going to get mad and improve, or are you going to get mad and quit?”

The second part of the message (for those behaving badly) was that our job as coaches and selectors did not involve being disrespected. When they could discuss it like an adult we'd be happy to have the conversation.

It was a rare player who didn’t appreciate the candor. Our formal mechanisms, and our culture of honest communication enabled us to win national championships two out of three years. It raised coaches and captains at the club level by inspiring a new found purpose. It challenged many a player to do what was necessary after not making the squad, to return the following year to win their spot, and from there, advance to represent their country.

We were building future leaders and a culture of champions.

You just have to love people enough to help them discover what they need to know.

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