What is it Really Like...

An Honest Look and View on Personal Experience Through This Year

I've sat here pondering every day for the last 6 weeks, debating in my head, if it's a good thing to express and share this with all. But today I feel I can, and also feel that with everything going on around us, it's hugely important for others going through any kind of situation, can understand you aren't alone and we all got this together! Also, with the greatest respect for others, to hear and read a snippet of just what it's like from this/my perspective. It's tough, it's a fight, every one of us will win, but it is what it is. So here goes...

There is so much to comprehend at the moment for our home nations and the world. Covid-19 has literally come into our lives like a freight train and has been single-handedly damaging lives and the well being of millions. (Leaving the other issues going on around us aside for now)... And not to entirely blame this pandemic for my own personal issues entirely, but it certainly is currently and has taken it's toll on my life personally, even if just temporarily.

Some of you that know me well, will know that a good few years back I suffered very badly with depression, unfortunately. Visited some pretty dark places and was caught in a tough old fight for approx 2/3 years with it. Needless to say, I'm very lucky that I was able to gain the support of loved one's, my wife and have some amazing and caring friends too. Plus being able to utilize some of the support networks there are out there nowadays in CALM and MIND. I was able to tip back the Status Quo of it all and remove the stigma's that surround the emptiness you feel and the desire to quit. To which what I've come out the other side understanding for myself, is that I am hugely resilient, thick-skinned, strong-willed and a real fighter with grit and determination. From going through this, I was able to also learn and appreciate just a snippet of the how's, why's and what's that surround depression and anxiety. But this is just touching the surface of some of my story and tee's up some of what I'm about to continue to 'dump on the page' if you will, as it kind of relates to a great deal for many currently...

You see, this year, for myself and few others got off to an absolute stinker start. When unfortunately the business I was working for decided to very swiftly and suddenly shut it's doors, resulting in the whole team/company being made redundant. Never a nice experience by any means, but then no sooner than a month later Covid-19 starts. As you can imagine, since this episode started, the battle of survival is very much the main game.

Now, I'm a real workhorse, don't get me wrong. Also a competitive sod. So when all this went on, I kept confidence and have worked tirelessly to speak with my network, apply for new roles, proactively approach. Cover every nook and cranny possible. Not letting this pandemic phase me one bit. I'm thinking in my head initially "it will pass, give it 3 months at most." Needless to say, It hasn't quite panned out in the way I had hoped, or am used to.

We get to April, everything has really kicked off in the world with the pandemic and my situation hasn't changed. The feeling of failure starts to creep in. I review my CV over and over, look back at achievements past and all the wonderful businesses I've gained experience from. I'm speaking to people all the time and they echo, "your talented, highly valued, someone will snap you up." But I'm asking myself "why haven't they? Am I doing something wrong? Am I maybe not as good at my job as I thought? Am I past it?"

The reality of the situation is 'rejection' is one of the toughest things to face in any situation. Personally, with all that I've gone through before. Rejection and the feeling of loneliness and isolation is probably the worst of it all! However, these days I can really understand these words and the sense behind them. Rejection is an overpowered word I feel. It has a very negative connotation. I like to think of it more like a square on a board game, you land there, but you may have to move to the next one to get to where you are going/life is taking you. That being said, I can't deny or BS, that when I've gone through several rounds of multiple interview processes and nothing has landed. It does become very tough mentally to keep rolling the dice. But! We all must. It's clearly just a longer game this time.

But then you've got that other word, 'isolation.' We have all (hopefully) been doing the self-isolation thing. Let's face it, many of us have made the best of the situation. But it has and is Shit! The thing with all this is, people that are in similar situations to me will find this twice as hard. Aside from the Covid type of isolating I refer to. I'm looking at the other 50% of this word, when it touches upon the loneliness side of it all. I have no work, colleagues, mind being occupied. There is no way to let off steam, meet, chat, interact with others as such. Go explore something new. Thus the truth and reality of 'isolation' to many, is that without a cause, work, regularity, money, so on.. You literally are isolated more than just in isolation for Covid etc. I can honestly say, that right now and since then every couple of days I feel completed isolated and quite alone in fact. On the flip side, I'm likely luckier than most too, with a loving wife and family. But it's different, it's a different type of isolated feeling. I can probably speak for others, it feels a bit like FOMO (fear of missing out). So what is it that can help? I'll elude a bit more in a mo...

I'm now into June and almost half the poxy year has gone. I've had a really weird, hard, interesting couple of months. I caught a glimmer of light and was able to interview for two really good roles, but wasn't able to secure one, being pipped for both at later stages. 'It Sucks!' There is no denying it or beating around the bush about it. Been working my balls off through one of the hardest years of everyone's life, managed to get somewhere finally, put my absolute all into the research, interviews, presentation... feel the positivity creeping back, confidence is coming, the chest is starting to point up and 'BAM' disappears in an instant. Out of your control though isn't it? Everything I mentioned above comes flooding back. Unfortunately, this is the nature of the beast and I want people to know that are in a similar position to myself. It really is fucking hard graft. But you MUST continue to fight! take a couple of days, do whatever, but you MUST reset that brain and leave it behind. I play a lot of golf and the number of times I've spiralled a good overall round score out of control, just because I had one rough hole, Then let it bother me for the next 3 holes, I can't count. But with learning to leave it and forget it before I Tee off on the next hole, there is always a comeback kid and I've had some mega-rounds and gone onto achieve great things personally, even with the blip. Come out feeling contented and all smiles. Just from that mentality. They say time is too short, I've never believed that for (excuse pun) one second, time is pressure. the sense of 'YOLO' very different perspective on time. Time is what you make of it and time comes and goes in waves. Think about it.

I'm still in the same position right now. If anything, worse. I want people to read and understand the reality of it all and how tough it is out there for some currently. I'm not doing this for a pity party, nor am I doing it to be negative or just shout about how shit this is and that, nor vent. It really is about sharing experience, so that you, I, and anyone that perhaps isn't going through what some of us are, can understand a little more... I mentioned early on about my battles previous. I know elements of that have crept in. Not a great deal, but it's always a mental challenge for sure. But that's ok, 'it's ok, to not be ok' and 'it's ok, to have a tough time sometimes' Every dog has his day right?

The struggles that have come up personally as a result of this all include financial pressure, time pressure and the anxiousness of just not knowing what's ahead. The mortgage is on pause, just about can pay utility bills and feed the household and that's only luckily because my wife is still able to work and take payroll. Beyond it, there isn't really anything else for us. But how long can that last? I ask myself, how long will it? It's a disturbing ringing every night in my head. Sleeps been lacking. I find myself to be a little more short-tempered somedays. But not in an aggressive sense. In a defeated sense. I've got over 13 years experience in media and worked for some of the best in the business, won awards and all that. But it actually doesn't really matter. What matters is that one remains true to themself, strong-willed and keeps going. I've had a stab at around 7 job roles during all this so far and not bagged one. I think I've applied to about 50/60 job ads and proactively approached around 40 companies. Still nothing... This has never happened to me before. There is a sense of panic in me, but I have to segment it in my head and remain patient. Usually, I'd be interviewing for two and bag one from the get-go. So it is different from everything going on, it's a proper challenge! But that's ok you know. Our regularity as individuals has been stripped away from us, I mean that for everyone in every sense. But that's cool. The world has/is shifting and change is ok too. I'm changing, I'm learning much more about my mental strength and resilience for sure.

Before I wrap up to a close. I do want to highlight a few things that I've noticed, or have a view on maybe. Some of these nuances I have notice creep out as almost bad habits across my industry and in fact a couple in personal circumstance and I'm not a massive fan. The reason I want to share is if you have been kind enough to read most of the above and understand a little more about what it's like for some of us that are perhaps in the hurt locker atm, just please have a little think about the knock-on effect as a result of some of these area's, it's important we all work together more than ever at this time and to support everyone, given any circumstance good, bad or ugly:

Communication and Transparency - Just be open and speak to one another about where you stand with things, or where you are with it.

Collaborating - Learn and fail with each other. Collab leads to opportunity.

Avoiding Radio Silence/Ghosting - Grab some balls and talk, nothing worse or more anxious for someone than to be ignored.

Leaving People Out - Don't make isolation 'ISOLATION.'

Lacking Detail and Constructive Feedback/Opinion - We all need it to learn and grow so we can be better next time out.

Responding to Communications - If someone communicates with you, please communicate back, same as radio silence. It's a really crappy feeling to be ignored. Plus you just don't know where correspondence may lead.

Respecting Opinion - Lot of this being questioned at the minute. But, we are all entitled to an opinion, respect it and relate with it. We aren't all going to have the same one. But it's so important to voice to one another so we can understand where we stand. Not mind-readers.

Selfishness - This makes me shiver this one. Nothing worse in this world. It's our world, not just yours. And think, anyone suffering in any context at the minute, 'don't kick a man whilst he's down.'

Giving False Premise/Overpromising - Please just say it how it is. It's much easier to comprehend for everyone.

Noticing/Appreciating Others - I'm here, you are here, let's all be here and not 'baby in the corner.'

Seeing How Others are Doing - Biggest thing for everyone in a mental health capacity. Just pick up the phone, text, in person. Check-in on each other, please!

Again, This is all only my opinion or partial values perhaps. I'm not looking for war, nor are these right or wrong. But to speak very openly and honestly. I felt important to mention, even for the sanity of some, food for thought etc.

To wrap things up... I wanted to write this all out and share it with all. Mainly because I want the people that are in a similar boat to me, know you aren't alone. Things will and do get better! We can fight this one out together ??

But also for anyone that perhaps may not realise the depth and struggle that there is and is still ok/cruising. It might enlighten you a little and help understanding from the other side of the fence.

Final point, I wear my heart on my sleeve with some of this stuff and given everything that's going on around us. Just felt important to share some real honesty on the table and a look in without having barriers to get through. Maybe we should all be a little less cagey or focused on being like this or that. The biggest thing I've learnt through all of this so far is to just be yourself, entirely. Each individual has a purpose, goal and stands on their own two feet and should be proud. But you aren't and never are alone. So don't let you or anyone else be that way either.

#staystrong Love to All, Thank you ever so much if you have taken the time to read through this.

Stowelly ??

ps. Anyone at all, please feel free to reach out for anything.