What People Fail to Mention about Denial
by Dr. Denise Renye
Something I wrote about recently is coming out of denial as a society regarding Thanksgiving, but also coming out of denial as individuals as some folx recognize they don’t actually like going home for the holidays or engaging in more traditional celebrations. I want to talk about the process of coming out of a denial a little more because I see this happening throughout our society – for instance, certain Trump supporters no longer supporting the idea the election was stolen.
First off, I offer you a definition. Denial means to declare something is untrue. What often gets overlooked is that from a psychological perspective, denial is an unconscious defense mechanism. People deny a situation or how they feel because it’s not safe to admit the truth to themselves or others and this runs deep, out of the awareness of the individual themselves. Maybe admitting the truth will require a big change or make others uncomfortable. For instance, admitting a relationship is toxic could concern friends or family or create cognitive dissonance within, forcing an individual to come to terms with what love really means versus the patterns they have been playing out. Admitting a relationship is toxic might spur action to end it. Another example is admitting to a drinking problem means actively choosing to not get help, or to do something different like no longer spending Friday nights with friends at a bar.
People often equate denial with lying but sometimes denial isn’t necessarily a conscious act. Denial is instead a coping strategy, a way to hide from emotions like shame, fear, guilt, and distress. However, denial can also be used to hide from emotions like joy, excitement, and pride. Regardless, the common denominator is hiding (avoiding). It is a way the psyche uses to protect oneself from something that would be overwhelming and “too much” to handle psychologically and emotionally.
Something I witness in my work is how painful it can be to come out of denial. Coming out of denial can sometimes entail flipping your entire life upside down. It can mean an entirely new social group, way of interacting, way of showing up in the world, and way of perceiving yourself. It’s not easy in the least and requires work. Change is hard and has its own process, as I’ve written about. It can be much easier to maintain the status quo and denial is one way to perpetuate it.
Coming out of denial can feel like drenching yourself in a bucket of ice water – it’s a shock to the system. Except, a person can only deny reality for so long. If they continue to live in denial, they’ll usually wind up feeling worse and because the body does not lie, it may arise in somatically based ways. They can feel more isolated, more anxious, more sad because shared reality is a need we all have. It’s why people seek out groups on social media to affirm their point of view. Everyone wants mirroring. Everyone wants someone to say, “You’re right and I agree.”
However, being in denial is exhausting. Being in denial requires an immense amount of energy pretending, keeping up appearances, making excuses, blaming others, etc. The truth is simpler and more freeing.
I’d like to quote Carl Jung here who says denial lives in the shadow and perhaps is the shadow. Collectively we have been in the shadow, even though not all of us were/are in denial about who won the presidency. He also says while no one should deny the danger of the descent into darkness (because it can be scary, at the least), to remember every descent is followed by an ascent. That means a coming up into the light. It is a stepping out of the shadow, where things may not be as clear and into the light where details can been more easily and more in focus.
In the light, you can ask yourself questions like, “
Who am I behind all the fa?ades? Who am I when I no longer have to pretend everything is fine? Or that other people are to blame? Or other people are lying? Who am I when I admit the painful truths about myself and my life?”
It can be a scary process, but it can also be thrilling and very very rewarding. Truly though, it’s impossible to live an integrated, whole person, kind of life without facing reality.
If you want support with coming out of denial, reach out to me. I’m here.