What parents need to understand to stop bullying

The best way to stop our children from doing something wrong is to teach them what it is and help them understand why it is wrong. It is also important to lead by example. The concept of bullying has changed drastically over the last 50 years. Surviving a bully used to be a rite of passage. Today, bullying is unconscionable and, in most school districts, an unlawful act.

 I remember my parents telling me that my bully (and yes, I still remember his name) picked on me because he was threatened by me. They suggested that I try to make friends with him or stand up to him because it was believed that bullies never fought back. For the record, neither approach worked. He and I did not become friends and fighting back just exacerbated the problem.

 Outside of school, children would say things like, “Hubba Hubba Hubba, ding ding ding, pitcher’s got an arm like a washing machine,” or we would have contests insulting one another. We taunted and teased each other. We knocked each other down and then got ourselves up. For the most part it was in good fun, but on occasion someone would cross the line and feelings would get hurt. It was all part of growing up. This is not the case today. Today, most of these activities would be classified as bullying.

 What is bullying?

The United States government defines bullying as:

“Unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance.”

Bullying exists beyond school age and can be verbal, social or physical. The intention behind the action is not as important as the perception by the victim of the action. If your son or daughter brings home a note from school accusing them of bullying someone (e.g. name calling, pushing, not allowing someone to sit at the lunch table), don’t focus on why your child did it or what they meant by it. First ask them about their behavior, then focus on how the other child felt because in the context of bullying, this is what matters.

David Cowan is a father with two high school-aged children. Both have been the victims of bullying and have bullied others – whether it was their intention or not. Recently, one of his children had a “tough love” talk with a friend who was creating problems with their group of friends. Was this talk friendly or bullying? It depends on who you ask. His child thought that he was helping his friend. If he could just set the friend straight, then everything could get back to how it should be. The other child’s parents did not agree. Their child’s feelings were hurt, and the child felt like an outsider. Like in baseball where the tie goes to the runner, in cases of alleged bullying, it is the perception of the victim that matters.

 Talk to your children about the effects of bullying.

 So what do we do? First, we may not be 100% right as bullying can be subjective. Second, we must accept the possibility of it happening and have a plan for how to deal with it. In David's opinion, the best way to deal with bullying issues are to talk about them with your children. Help them recognize the impact of their actions on others and put themselves in the other person’s shoes. The more we talk and educate ourselves and our children about what is happening in their lives, the better we will be able to address these and other issues that will come up.

 What resources are available?

 Everyone has that friend who knows someone who went through a similar situation involving bullying as described above. As an attorney, if he had a dollar for every time that someone challenged his advice, he would have been able to retire years ago. But rather than taking the advice from someone whose background and knowledge may be more limited than you think, I like to use information from trusted sources. These sources should be able to give us the information we need to understand the situation accurately. If you can call a professional, great, please do. If you do not have the time or access to one, then I recommend using the internet. Find the best sites out there that will educate you because knowledge is the real power. We cannot stop bullying unless we know what it is.

 There are lots of way to look things up online. You can enter a search and see what pops up; you can go to YouTube and watch videos. There are groups on Facebook and other social media sites. He suggests that you look at the site www.stopbullying.gov. This is a great source for you to use to understand bullying and the laws about it. It is a free, official website of the United States government.

 The best part of this website is that it has everything that you would need to educate yourself and your family about bullying. From the home page you can access articles about bullying or specifically focus your search into the following areas: Bullying, Cyberbullying, Prevention or other Resources. Under each of these headings there are more links which lead to definitions that are easy to understand and help explain how to recognize bullying. Each section contains suggestions for parents and teachers about what they can do to help prevent this problem. Under the Resources tab are links to training exercises, information on what schools and kids can do, and the laws and policies in every state.

 There are lots of other sources online; but since www.stopbullying.gov is provided by the government and has access to all the laws and rules in each state, this is a great place to start. The best part about this website is that it is easy to use, and everything is explained in simple, easy-to-understand language. There are exercises, examples and videos available. It explains things in ways that both adults and children can understand, which helps pave the way for communications between them.

 Knowing how to recognize bullying is great; however, we still need to be able to have serious (and legally correct) conversations with our families and friends about it so that we can all work together to stop it. The best way to stop a problem is to eliminate it before it begins. Understanding what bullying is and helping our children understand it as well, will reduce the impact of this problem in their lives.

 This is not intended to be legal advice. States laws can vary. Please contact your provider law firm for any legal advice or assistance

David is a partner with Parker Stanbury, LLP, and has worked as a provider for LegalShield since 2001. He loves the unique nature of his practice, which affords him the opportunity to help more people than he ever thought was possible. A Native of Los Angeles, he attended Boston University (B.A. in Psychology, 1990) and Tulane Law School (J.D., 1993) before returning home to Los Angeles. His greatest joys come from the he spends with his family.