What we've learned from parenting

DeepL Translator (English to Japanese)

(This is the revision of my article I wrote in March 2022)

Introduction

We have a 16-year-old son. His birth, after eight years of marriage and dreaming of a child, filled our lives with joy and new opportunities for growth.

Recently, friends who became parents asked me for any advice for parenting.

Today, although my wife and I are still learning and growing as parents, we’d like to share some of what we’ve learned from our parenting experiences with our friends who are new to parenthood.

The Most Valuable Lesson

The most important lesson we’ve learned in the ongoing process of raising our child is to "Let go of our own expectations as a parents".

Reflecting on our journey, it’s clear that parenting is full of surprises, often turning out in ways we never anticipated. We’ve come to understand that "Things won’t always go as planned" and that "Imposing our own desires on our child can backfire".

Once we realized this, we were able to approach parenting with greater ease.

Parenting might truly exemplify the saying, "What seems like a setback often turns out to be a blessing".

Time Flies

During his early years, our son’s sweet tendency to follow us everywhere was so endearing. Our weekends were always filled with playing basketball and catch. He cherished bedtime story sessions with his mom each night, making it his favorite part of the day.

Lessons:

To stay attuned to our child’s present interests and adjust to their changing curiosities and preferences.

The First Big Parenting Challenge

When our son was three and a half, he would repeatedly ask, "Mom, how many nights until kindergarten?" each night as he settled into bed.

Yet, six months later, although the kindergarten entrance ceremony was eagerly awaited, our son had a disappointed look on his face as we headed home.

A Surprising Comment

On his second day of kindergarten, he said on the way home, "Mom, I might not need to go to that kindergarten".

We were shocked.

For us, who were just grateful for his healthy arrival, this was the first major parenting challenge we faced.

Something Feels Different

He tried to explain the reason in his own way, but at just four years old, his explanation wasn’t very clear. He simply felt that "Something intuitively felt different".

Depending on the child's personality, parental responses and approaches can vary. It might be a case of saying, "Yes, that's true" or "But maybe other kids feel the same way and are still managing to go".

Family Discussion

So, what actions did we, as parents, take?

That night, we had a family discussion with our son. Even at his young age, he had a clear sense of his preferences and dislikes. We realized that forcing him would likely backfire, so we decided to honor his feelings.

This approach is likely influenced by the child’s personality. Our son is particularly resistant to force, and my wife, who understands him best, also felt this strongly. We wanted to respect that understanding.

And So

In spite of our quiet expectations, a week, then a month, and finally six months passed. As homeschooling became part of our daily life, an opportunity for an overseas posting came along.

Contrary to our worries, our son thoroughly enjoyed his kindergarten life in Shanghai.

Reflection

Looking back, I appreciate that the conclusion we reached was a joint decision and that we managed to stick to our belief in "Trusting our son first".

However, I also had fears about what we would do if he chose not to go to elementary school. My wife mentioned, "Looking back, I can say with confidence that we were right, but at the time, it felt like everyone was against me, and I was constantly questioning myself, feeling insecure and down every day".

Forcing a child to do something, even with the best intentions, doesn’t lead to positive results over time. Distinguishing between spoiling and respecting a child's wishes is genuinely tough, and it’s natural for parents to struggle with it. (We also weren’t certain that what we were doing was right.)

Parenting is profoundly challenging. I believe we will keep facing unexpected situations. In those times, "Being united as a parents and showing trust and respect for our child" feels crucial.

A Dream Shared in the Bath

While taking a bath together, I asked my seven-year-old son (then in second grade) what he wanted to be when he grew up. Despite usually being quiet about his own aspirations, he answered quite openly.

(Dad) "What do you want to be in the future?"

(Son) "I don’t know. Maybe a gamer."

(Dad) "It’s amazing that you have an idea now. If you choose to go for it, aim to be the best you can."

(Son) "Yeah!"

It’s said that by the time today’s children are adults, 65% of the jobs they will have are not even created yet. Given this level of uncertainty, I felt it was pointless to push our own career expectations onto them, so I responded in this manner.

A Continuous Practice

Since the day we were blessed with our son, my wife and I have maintained a tradition for twelve years. Every day, we send a message titled "To Today's Son" to an email account created for him on the day he was born, accompanied by photos.

This effort has resulted in over 4,000 emails and 20 photo albums over the past twelve years. It has also served as a way to update our parents (his grandparents) who live far away, and they have greatly appreciated it.

We dreamed of presenting this as a surprise on his coming-of-age day, but when he found out about it at age 12, we had to end the practice. (Now, we share daily updates about our son via smartphones with our parents.)

Here is a message from one of those days, sent by my wife:

"Thanks to you, you’ve turned five. (^^) Your personality is starting to shine through. You tend to be somewhat reserved with expressing joy, sadness, gratitude, and even anger. But I can often understand what you’re thinking. I always try to communicate what needs to be said as a parent, to be serious when needed, and to trust you as much as possible. Although I am a woman and sometimes react emotionally, I always apologize afterward. You always forgive me with a simple 'Yeah.' When your actions seem unreasonable to me, I ask for your perspective. If I’m not mistaken, I try to accept it. Then, a little later, you often say 'I love you, Mom'. (^^) Thank you for being born healthy and growing up strong. Happy 5th birthday!"

What We Found After Engaging with Our Child

"Finding something you're passionate about now is incredible. If you're committed to it, why not aim to be the best?"

"Yeah."

This exchange, which occurred in the bath 6 years ago, has since been realized. Our son has become deeply involved in gaming.

While his gaming interests and devices have varied, his focus and dedication to his chosen games have been impressive.

We have supported and watched with pride as he pursued his passions. Recently, he has been engrossed in OSU!, a rhythm game where players tap to the music (4K genre).

He reached the number one spot in the world rankings.

Active users: 19.8 million (from 242 countries).

Since then, a year passed. To our surprise, my son's interest has transitioned from gaming to classical piano.

Confidence and Trust Developed Through Support

Encouraging our son’s activities through conversations has communicated to him that he can rely on us. This trust, along with his successes, has greatly increased his self-confidence, which has, in turn, positively influenced his academic performance.

Lessons:

Don’t impose your will on your child. When they ask for your help, put aside your tasks and give your full attention. Passion often drives success more than just hard work.

In Conclusion

I believe that every family has its unique approach to parenting. There are countless ways to raise children, and it’s about finding what works for your family while managing the influence of others.

As my wife puts it, “Parenting is about accepting your child for who they are”, and I completely agree.

When there are differences in opinion between parent and child, it’s important to listen to the child’s reasons, show understanding, and respect their viewpoints.

Most importantly, always being your child’s greatest ally is crucial. (This is one of the most significant things we can do as parents.)

This is how my wife and I want to continue to engage with our child.