What One CEO Taught Me with One LinkedIn Message

Have you ever tried to use LinkedIn to build relationships? I mean to actually build relationships. You might hope that it will lead to sales as a natural result, but your primary mission is to build connections with people you might not otherwise have a chance in hell of connecting with because of your location, your job, your network, or a million other reasons. I thought that’s what I was trying to do. Relationships first.

Exactly six days ago, I began searching out leaders of big companies, small companies, interesting companies, iconic companies – I mean, why not? What do I have to lose? I sent connection requests along with a personal note. If the request was accepted, I sent a follow-up note asking if the individual was open to a brief discussion. Apparently, I suck at it because this happened:

Me: [Sam], Thanks for connecting. I’d welcome an opportunity to learn more about your company and the issues/opportunities your [ugh – I did make the grammar mistake] facing and share some of the projects I’m working on with other CEOs like you as well. Would you be open to a brief discussion?

[Sam]: Hi Claudia, LinkedIn has conditioned me to believe seemingly well minded and thoughtful overtures like above are actually opaque, underhanded and gutless approaches to securing a sales call without being honest about intention. If that's the case - shame on you for perpetuating that toxic behavior on this otherwise beneficial platform. If you want to sell something - you should be straight forward and just ask.

If that isn't the intent - forgive my conditioned jaded-ness and let me know what you'd like to talk about - always happy to engage in genuine and thought provoking networking.

I’m not using the CEO’s real name, because I’m not here to publicly shame the CEO or the company. I see no value in that. I am putting myself out there because this is a learning experience for me. For perspective, Sam is the CEO of a private equity-backed company in a hugely-popular industry with products being sold in over 30,000 stores in 125 countries.

I read Sam’s note, and I had a bunch of reactions. I gave it some thought. How might this be a gift or an opportunity for me? I responded:

Hi, [Sam]. Well, I am equally jaded, so I understand your response. I don’t sell. In fact, I kind of suck at it (as some of my friends might tell you). I am a curious person trying to find different ways to build relationships with complete strangers after being out of the loop for months while helping my clients, friends, and family overcome unbelievable challenges. At the same time, I was readjusting to meeting the needs of 2 teenage daughters whose lives came to a screeching halt. And I thought I would just start throwing myself out there, and I’d try to connect with some of the most high-ranking, seemingly-inspirational strangers here on LinkedIn, because I was eager to be considered underhanded, gutless, and toxic.

I must not be doing *this* very well to elicit the type of response I probably would think but would not necessarily send to a stranger who reached out to me. Is there a better way to ask a total stranger CEO if he or she is open to getting to know a stranger without it sounding salesy? I don’t know. In fact, not too long ago, I posted on LinkedIn about the crap connection requests with which I was being bombarded. If you go through my post history, you’ll find it.

I’m a coach. I’m a workplace trainer and speaker. I’m a consultant. At the end of the day, one thing matters to me far more than business or money, and that’s relationships. If you click on my profile and watch my short TED talk, you can see who I am and what matters to me. I’m sorry that I didn’t convey that well. Thank you for your honest feedback and for the opportunity you’ve given me to be better. This is a gift. For that, I’m grateful. I will be better. Or different. Or something. This has given me a lot about which to think. And that is always a good thing. Best, Claudia

I mean it. This was a gift. I learned a lot from this, and I want to share it.

First, I need to do better at conveying my curiosity and intentions to strangers. When I say I’m not looking to sell anything, I mean it. I don’t even know if anything I do is a fit for you unless or until I have a conversation with you and get to know more about you and/or your business. The point is, I want to learn more about you no matter what. I happen to be very selective about the people with whom I work. (Ummm I also happen to have a strict ‘No Jerks’ rule). When I meet someone locally, I always ask for a phone conversation or a coffee/lunch meeting (or now, Zoom) or some way to talk and get to know each other. That’s the whole point of talking. I think I’m learning that it is - quite literally - virtually impossible to do the same thing.

Next, I, too, am frustrated by the relentless, impersonal sales pitch that LinkedIn has become. I understand how Sam feels. We all have a choice to make when we receive a message we don’t like on LinkedIn. We can ignore it. We can remove the connection. We can block the individual. Of course, there is the Sam option. I don’t know what his motivation was for sending that message. I don’t know how he felt after sending it. I make no assumptions, and I also will not label or characterize the message. It speaks for itself.

Side note: I questioned whether Sam's "forgive my conditioned jaded-ness" sentence undid the damage of the first paragraph of his message. The answer is no. Let's face it - there was no reason to believe it after the first paragraph anyway. And as of the date and time of publishing this article, Sam did not reply to my response, further indicating he had no intention of engaging in any type of dialogue.

Back to business -- Before Sam messaged me, did he see me as a human being? Did he see me as a customer? I wonder why it was so easy for him to reach conclusions about me. Being jaded or reaching conclusions about others and attaching their behavior to me is not an acceptable excuse. It also makes me very curious about how he shows up as a leader each day. Does he do that with his executive team, too? Attach the behavior of some to others? How does he lead in person if this is how he shows up behind the safety and security of a screen, typing a note to a stranger?

Finally, I learned that I need to rethink my approach to LinkedIn, my choice of words, what I’m doing on LinkedIn, and why. I need to write much better messages. Or I need to give this up entirely. Bottom line - You never know what is happening in someone else’s life on any given day. We can choose to treat people with kindness. Sam might be a great person. I don’t think Sam was great at that moment. Sam lost one customer. No big deal for Sam. Sam also served as a great reminder to me that CEOs are always representatives of the companies and the brands they serve. And words matter.