What is a Narcissist? You and your Ex.

A bit of a backstory

In 2020, I officially started my professional journey into the Narcissism space. I was drawn into it after I questioned after a severe argument with my ex, and years of emotional abuse I decided I had enough. Was I crazy because I wouldn't accept his proposal? Was I the one who should have been taking anti-depressants? Maybe I wasn't being clear enough about not wanting to be together? Why did I feel so sorry for them? Why was I feeling such horrible guilt? Was I being mean and nasty setting boundaries?

After months of digging through articles, peer reviewed studies, reading mental health text books, doing courses and immersing myself in content I realised the person I was dealing with fit the qualities of a Covert Narcisisst. I also suspected sociopathy and emotional abuse.

In 2015 I graduated University with a Bachelor of Counselling, I am a registered and trained Counsellor and am not a Psychologist but have a special interest in Narcissism and Emotional Abuse.

The difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and Narcissistic Tendencies

Keep in mind there is a difference between between NPD and Narcissistic Tendencies. One is diagnosed as a personality disorder (as from DSM-5), the other are the tendencies that may be shown as a Narcissist. The disorder itself can be very hard to diagnose, and will often be hidden under mental health issues.

So what is a Narcissist?

A Narcissist's world will revolve around themselves. The truth is that the only person the Narcissist loves, is himself. A Narcissist will have a high sense of self importance and may use tactics such as charm, manipulation and gaslighting.

A Narcissist will "make you feel like the most important person in their world, while in the same breath reduce you to nothing."

Here's a better understanding of the traits that can make up a Narcissist. How many can you check, thinking about the Narcissist in your life?:

1. Self Absorbed: The way they act it is like everything revolves around them. They are the victim, they are being mistreated by everyone else, it's not their fault it's everyone else's fault. Conversations may also be one sided and revolve around them.
2. Entitled: Entitled to make up rules and break them. I can do this if I want to, even if i'm not supposed to type attitude.
3. Demeaning: Involving bullying and putting you or others down. This may be in front of you to friends or family. They may even tell you to 'stop taking things so seriously' or that 'you know I was joking' or 'you're so sensitive' type remarks.
4. Demanding: They may begin demanding that you do things for them, or want for things. "I want XYZ for dinner and it better be on the table when I get home from work." or "I want you to stop seeing your mother/father/friend."
5. Perfectionist: This person may have extremely rigidly high standards. A common one is "you didn't pack the dishwasher correctly", "I don't know why you bother doing XYZ because you always just F*** it up."
6. Snobbish: Sometimes they can use their intelligence against you or others. "It's because I studied at XYZ University." or 'I don't know why I bother going here, these people are a bunch of losers.' 'You'll never be rich because you're just not that smart.'
7. Distrustful: The person may be distrustful about where you are going, who you are seeing, what you are doing, what you are spending your money on. Or they may wonder why you are being so nice to them. 'Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?' 'Is there a reason that you bought me XYZ.'
8. Approval seeking: This person wants to be constantly recognized. The famous line "do you know who I am?" They may expect you or others to praise them or tell them how amazing they are because of small things they have done. They crave the attention.
9. Unempathetic: This person will most likely lack empathy. They may say that they do have empathy for others, but actions speak louder than words. Empathy is ability to understand share the feelings of another.
10. Unremorseful: They may be unremorseful. They cheated? Don't expect them to apologize. They don't feel bad that they cheated because they probably believe it was your fault, because the sex died in your relationship so they had to find it elsewhere. Left you alone at home with the kids, while he goes partying with the boys and doesn't tell you he will be home in 2 days? He's not sorry because he's entitled to that time with his friends.
11. Compulsive: This person may become overly consumed with details. You can see this a lot when partners break up, and one of them becomes obsessed with who they are seeing, where they went, did they come home with them, how much money they spent, what this person is like etc.
12. Addictive: They may not be able to let go of bad habits, and use them as a self soothe option. This can include alcohol, drugs and even self harm.
13. Emotionally Detached: You may find that this person can become emotionally detached, as if there is a great big giant wall in the way. This person may lack expression, or steer clear of expressing emotions or feelings.

If you checked at least 10 or more traits then the person in your life could fit being a Narcissist.

You and Your Ex Narcissist - will the cycle continue?

Issues with the ex spouse or partner is one of the most common problems that clients come to me about. The truth is that commonly the abuse does not stop after you separate, and sometimes it can even get worse. This is especially true when the ex realises that you are not coming back, or that you have become stronger - so they will do everything in their power to make you regret your decision.

In some cases the ex may become verbally or physically abusive.

In this case if you feel as though your life is in danger then in Australia you can call 000 and call the police.

Your ex may still believe that even though the relationship is over, they have power and control of you.

My clients have often experienced some of the below with an ex who they have broken up with:

• The ex makes unrealistic demands of my client
• The ex continues to squash their self confidence, self esteem and self worth with put downs, insults and vulgar words
• The ex may threaten to commit suicide or self harm, and tell my client it is their fault
• My client may receive up to 30 text messages within an hour, followed by harassing phone calls
• My client may apologise to their ex, even though they did nothing wrong because they made it feel as it it was my client's fault
• My client may engage in a text war with the ex, which gets no resolution but gives the ex more fodder against them
• My client may walk on eggshells in case they anger the ex
• The ex may demand my client tell them where they are, what they are doing, what they are spending money on and who they are seeing
• My client may feel that the only option to make the ex stop, is to go back to them.
• My client may miss the intimacy, so they engage in sexual relations with the ex

If this sounds like you, and you need some help can reach out by contacting me here

Working with You after the Narcissistic Abuse

When we talk about healing from the Narcissistic Abuse, we are talking about is healing those elements in you that have become worn down from the Narcissist.

Some of the most common elements that we will be focusing on during our early sessions will be to:

• Have someone there who can listen to and validate your experience
• Help you regain your self worth and self esteem
• Build your resilience
• Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries
• How to cope when after you set the boundaries
• How to communicate (or not communicate) with the Narcissist
• Role play scenarios that you may find yourself in and how to handle them
• Provide you with support between sessions so you're not alone
• Help you break the cycle so it doesn't happen again
• Understand your values
• Talk about and work on situations that made you feel uncomfortable

I am here to help you to get through the other side, whether you decide to continue to stay in your relationship, if you are making the decision to go, or if you have already left and are trying to break the cycle

Can A Narcissist Change

Can anyone change? The answer is yes.

But it takes true dedication to oneself to change, and you have to want to change. Change also takes time.

If you are a narcissist who doesn't believe there is anything wrong with what you do, and you are not willing to change - then no. No you can't change.

I have over the years worked with people who self proclaim they are Narcissists, because their ex told them they were.

In these cases, I listen to and create an understanding with them and begin to identify what traits they have been told were 'impacting negatively' on their relationship. We work together on each one individually.

Very few of these clients stay on, because they are not willing to put in the hard work and energy it takes to change a behaviour, and will then revert back to old habits because it's too hard maintaining the new ones.

The only way to know if your partner has changed that behaviour, is by observing over the next 6-12 months to see if that behaviour is consistent.

Would you like to work with me? You can contact me here I have spaces available coming up to July and August.

I also have a new fast track 7 week program (one on one) where we will focus on a new element each week. This is designed to get you moving forward quickly and efficiently. Suitable for entrepreneurs, CEO's and executives.

This program is only $4000 AUD and I only have 4 spaces available. If you are interested and want to learn more contact me here with your name and phone number and the words "FAST TRACK" or DM me on LinkedIn with the words "FAST TRACK" to see if you qualify.

Some of the things we will cover week to week are:

1. Your story and what is Narcissistic Abuse
2. Understanding your experience and gaslighting
3. Self talk and forgiveness
4. Building resilience
5. Healing from Trauma
6. Establish boundaries
7. Dealing with pushback

I hope you have found this article useful

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