What My E-Bike Taught Me About Shame And Belonging

I was not one of those people who got uber fit during the pandemic. No, I was in the camp of hustlers who were busy transitioning their business to an online model, finishing my masters and supporting my coaching clients. The consequence for me was a lot of extra sitting for two years and arriving firmly into my mid-50’s— no recipe for improved fitness, or frankly even maintaining my fitness and energy. It was a downward slide, and something I was aware of but couldn’t get motivated to change.

The important context for this vulnerable share that you need to know is that I have an uber fit family. Their idea of fun is to run 50km races or hours of soccer training and cycling. My husband and son did a 400km bike race in the Kootenays this summer – for FUN!? We have always been an active family. We did the West Coast Trail together in 2019 to celebrate my son’s High School graduation, all of our family vacations involve physical activity, hiking, and adventures.? Do you see where this is going?

Over the past year I struggled with keeping up physically and noticed feelings of resentment creeping in as we planned our weekends. I would opt out of what they were planning because I literally couldn’t keep up. I did this with a smiling face and lots of encouragement for them to carry on, but inside I was holding disappointment that, at the time, I wasn’t able to acknowledge within myself.? There was a shame attached to my withdrawal, and a shitty story was hatched that I no longer belonged within my own family. This is the power of shame, it pulls us into the dark and irrational corners of our mind where we make up all of the crappy stories. My story said that I was lazy and didn’t belong in my active family anymore, and I was going to spend my weekends alone. I didn’t belong. ?

I started to notice this pattern of negative and shame driven thinking (so thankful for my Dare to Lead toolbox where we learn about the power of shame!) and asked myself what I could do to change the way I was feeling. I had been resisting the idea of purchasing an e-bike because of the cost, and also the story I was holding that having an e-bike meant I wasn’t hardcore like the rest of my family. Which is absolutely true! I am not a hardcore fitness adventurer, and I needed to embrace my own identity and invest in an accommodation that met my needs, and allowed me to join in.? Making this decision to purchase the e-bike meant that I had to release the shame around my own fitness, and the shame of needing extra support through an electric bike.

Here we are at the end of September and I had the most amazing time on my e-bike, exploring the biking paths in Victoria and the winery roadways in the Okanagan. I had visceral moments of joy when I was riding behind my family and even more satisfaction when I was able to pass them on the hills!? They were incredibly supportive of my e-bike purchase and super excited to see me saying Yes to their invitations for a ride this summer, and I was grateful for their invitation.? The important part of this story is that they were always inviting me along? - before the e-bike purchase, and afterward. What changed was ME. I had to get honest about what I needed and release the shame story that was holding me back from true inclusion and belonging. Once I recognized this shame story, I was able to release it and make a choice to purchase a bike that supported me and aligned with my identity and true abilities.

What lessons does my story offer you about your shame stories?

Where can you ask for an accommodation at home or at work to support your sense of belonging?

If you are interested in working on your understanding of shame and how it shows up in your personal and professional life book a Discovery Call here

Early bird pricing until Oct 20th for our in-person Dare to Lead Retreat in Whistler Nov 16 – 18th 2022!