What My Daughter Has Taught Me About Strength and Courage

This week, my daughter Madeleine will graduate high school and like millions of parents around the country, I will wonder where the time went as I cheer her on with great pride as she walks across a stage and accepts her diploma. I think about the challenges she faced along the way like the loss of beloved family members, including pets, the financial sacrifices of having a mom who was starting a technology company, her dad and my divorce when she was 11 and my cancer diagnosis just last year. I remember the cherished moments when it was just she and I, awake for 3:00 a.m. feedings, the constant stream of toddler questions beginning "Mama why......?" or even the exasperation of chasing her down a grocery store isle because she refused to be restricted in the seat of the grocery cart. I recall the endless wondering if I was doing everything right, meeting her needs and effectively instilling values like kindness, empathy and the importance of hard work that I was taught are paramount to being a citizen of your community and the world. Like those other parents, we are planning a celebration where family and friends, many who she has known her entire life, will wish her well and acknowledge her accomplishment and offer their advice as she ventures out and embarks on an exciting new chapter of her life. 

But unlike most other parents, we won’t have one last summer vacation together or that shopping spree to pick out dorm décor. On June 29th at 6:15 a.m. I will take my daughter to Annapolis, Maryland with just the clothes on her back, where she will begin a grueling 6 week training and induction period known as Plebe Summer as a precursor to 4 years of college and officer training at the United States Naval Academy. She will have her hair chopped, be placed in a sailor suit and organized into a company that will become her family for many years to come. I am learning it is a club with a lifetime membership that few are chosen to experience. The only communication she will be afforded will be good old fashioned pen and paper. No emails, text messages, Instagram feeds or telephone calls. She will quite literally, leave civilian life and make an oath to serve her country as a Naval officer putting ship, crew and country before herself. She is stepping into a tradition that wasn’t even available to women when I was born and that she shares with only about 300 females who were chosen to join the incoming class of approximately 1,200 midshipmen. I am proud, a little nervous and in awe of the path she has chosen. Over the past month or so, I have found myself worried and wondering if I have taught her everything I should so she will be prepared when she can't contact me for an answer to a dilemma. I go over checklists in my mind trying to imagine every possible scenario she will encounter but am limited since I have never experienced much of what she is about to. The unexpected realization I have come to is that she has taught me every bit as much as I have taught her and now more than ever, I am inspired to follow her lead and live up to her example, rather than her aspiring to mine.

I will be more fearless. I view myself as a pretty brave person. As an entrepreneur I am not a stranger to taking risks but none of the risks I have taken or sacrifices I have made are as great as putting my life on the line for a cause greater than myself and for people I don’t even know. There is a unique boldness and most likely, a naivete' to this act especially when it was not the only option. She had many other very good options, like most of her soon to be classmates. It pained me to finally throw away the acceptance letter from U C Berkley that sat on our dining room table for more than a week after she confidently made the decision to accept her appointment to the Naval Academy. We are not a military family. I mean, we have relatives who were military leaders a hundred or so years ago but a life of military service is not something she or I have seen directly. In addition, very few women choose this life and the sacrifices that come with it. The courage it takes to step into that unknown is awe inspiring to me.

I will complain less. Sure things are hard sometimes, I have bad days and things often don’t go the way I think they should. Living a life having to monitor for cancer recurrence stinks, losing a deal is disappointing and being the sole caregiver to my disabled mother is hard and stressful but I live every day with freedoms and comforts to a large degree because of the sacrifice my daughter and many like her are making and have made for all of us. The ability to manage the task at hand, no matter how difficult or unpleasant, is something my daughter will be doing every day and will learn to be a master of without the luxury of a grumble. There is an undeniable grace in confronting difficulty and mastering challenges that test our physical or mental fortitude. When I feel like complaining I will remember what Maya Angelou said;

“What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it. Don't complain.” 

 Some things we just can’t change so we may as well put all our energy into tackling them head on.

I will change perceptions when given the opportunity. The first woman graduated Annapolis in 1980. I was 10 years old in 1980. When I was 5 years old, girls weren’t allowed. I didn’t know this but if I had, it would have changed my perception of the opportunities I would have one day as a woman. It has only been a year since women were allowed the opportunity to become Navy Seals or be in combat roles. It is highly possible my daughter will know the first female Navy Seal since just over 20% of midshipmen are women. Every day she and every other woman at Annapolis will have the opportunity to change perceptions. As they command aircraft carriers, lead brigades, fly fighter jets and become astronauts they fight stereotypes and make it easier for the women who follow them.

My opportunities and challenges aren’t as obvious but I will try to recognize every one and embrace it whether it’s supporting other female tech founders, speaking up when women are marginalized or working hard to become a respected leader and mentor.

I will serve my country. Clearly, I am not in a position to take on military service but there are endless ways I can serve my community that in turn, will make my country a better place to live. I will not take freedom for granted by voting every chance I get. I won’t miss midterm elections because I tell myself it doesn't matter. I will try, with all my might to promote unity across political divide because division is what makes us weak and puts every one of us in danger. I will fly the flag, not only on holidays but every day and remember it is a symbol of so much more than a political persuasion. It is the reason my ancestors risked their lives and showed up on the shores of Massachusetts or left their families in Sweden and Ireland for the opportunity at what they believed could be a better life. It is the reason so many from all over the world have sought the same refuge so their children can become what may not have been possible where they were born. There are endless opportunities to contribute to the success of this great nation and to support every citizen in achieving a life of peace and prosperity through opportunity and hard work.

Most importantly, I will have faith, hope and pride in every American who, like my daughter, is willing to make their life a life of service to our country. Who will stand side by side with young men and women of every economic, religious and ethnic background and forge bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood that benefit all of us. As they march through the giant doors of Bancroft Hall, the children we have nurtured will be no more and for this I will certainly shed some tears but I am committed to replace sadness and longing with hope, inspiration and action out of absolute respect for the leaders they will become. After all, her best is all I ever wanted her to be.

Michelle Chaffee

Founder & CEO alska