What Is Messing Up Men?

I’ve written about this a lot, and there’s an entire cottage industry on YouTube and TikTok about the same thing, so if you want to find a comprehensive list of reasons, you can do it pretty easily, or with a little bit of light doom-scrolling kink. I will give you the higher levels if I can.

They don’t feel as if they have much purpose or respect

This is the common one you hear from a lot of guys: whether work, home, hobbies, friends, church, etc… they’re not entirely sure what they’re supposed to do or if anyone cares they’re doing it. You can view some of this as how we recontextualized masculinity after #MeToo, without ever putting a specific definition on the type of masculinity we wanted — just the kind we didn’t want. You can view it as women, children, and “job creators” viewing men as sperm donors, task monkeys, and ATMs. You can also view this as a lack of EQ and self-awareness by men, to not get up and pursue that purpose, respect, or both. But this is the catch-all category for most of the rest.

The Friendship Problem

I know less and less young men are getting married now, statistically, but married young men (esp. those with young kids) make virtually no effort to establish their own friendships, outsourcing almost all that work to their wife. This creates random chasms of friend groups essentially created by women with similar-aged kids + the women can still tolerate each other + the kids don't fight. Men get adrift in that.

The Therapy Issue

Most men (this is becoming a bit better) are not comfortable with conventional therapy, and even if they are, a lot of conventional therapy is talk-based, and there’s a long-held argument that men need something more action-based, which can expose the limits of standard therapy for a guy. Honestly: a lot of guys I’ve known, myself included at 3–4 spots, only go to therapy because their romantic partner recommends it in that moment.

The Vulnerability Scam

For 8–10 years now, there has been a narrative around men that they should “show vulnerability” to foster stronger relationships. That works in some male groups, but definitely not most. Most men recoil from vulnerability. If you’ve followed this advice in the last 8–10 years, you’ve probably found yourself isolated and depressed at least once.

The Provider Issue

Things are more expensive, to the point of two incomes almost being the norm (statistically, it is the norm), and so men feel like less of a “provider,” if they feel that way at all. I used to have a terrible boss at one company who would always tell us: “Well, my wife works, BUT BUT BUT here’s the reason…” Like, he was so embarrassed by it. He lived in NorCal and previously worked for a big tech company, so I get it — probably most guys he knows have “the little lady” at home. But NorCal tech is not real life, either.

Shifting Models

This encompasses a lot, including “healthy” vs. “toxic” masculinity, what a marriage is supposed to be and represent, what men are supposed to be and represent, etc. A lot of the old “norms” have been blown up even in the last two decades. Some people recoil from this, but I do think a big lure of marriage for men for years was “I get laid, you get financial stability.” Many divorce lawyers will come out and say that. Well, now the woman is often working, and — GASP! — the woman wants you to do domestic things like — EGAD! — care for your children. But, at the same time, those women and their friends and their mom might deem you “toxic,” and can take half of whatever paltry sum you earn. So now maybe men think sitting around DM’ing guys over some shooter game is a better deal? I doubt all men, but the shifting of norms takes a while to get used to, and can scale depression.

The Conversation Conundrum

A lot of guys can’t talk about anything and have a limited model for talking about more, which contributes to feelings of isolation and friendship issues, above.

Mental Health Malaise

We discussed therapy above, and the problems therein, but there’s more to mental health than just therapy. In addition to guys being told to “be vulnerable,” (doesn’t work) often guys are told “find a tribe” or “build community.” If you are a dad with a FTE and a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old, you have almost no chance of building community, because of all the people and things you are beholden to, and all the people and things that guys you would ever meet are beholden to. Plus: most guys I’ve ever met, and I’ve lived in dozens of places now, have no interest in “fostering relatiosnhips” or “building community.” They want to be seen as successful and have lives of convenience. Those are the barometers. It’s why so many men collapse if their wife dies first. “But, she planned everything.”

Focusing on the wrong shit

Chasing convenience, material wins, “I slay at biz,” etc. None of that stuff really “fills you up” in the way friendships and relationships can.

Bottom Line

It’s nearly impossible to make this list fully comprehensive because different guys struggle with different things, from pre-existing depression to feeling like an ATM to not enough physical touch to deep mental health challenges to physical health challenges, and all of those things can contribute to some degree of malaise. All men are different, I.e. yes, by extrapolation you can say all men are snowflakes. I’m kidding. (But many are.)

I think the above will get you started on the road to understanding male malaise and how you could potentially help out, if you’re a man, woman, or dog.