What Message Do You Send Without Saying A Word?

Published on HR.com

As an actor and performing artist, I have worked for many years to understand how my emotions show up on my face and in my body. As a sales executive, I didn’t think about how my emotions appeared. I’d get caught up in whatever was going on that day – deadlines, time crunches, to-do lists, and so on – and not think very much about what expression I was wearing. I had too many other things going on! Other people certainly noticed though… 

I had started to wonder why people weren’t approaching me or seeking help as much as they probably should. Then I had an honest conversation with my team and other people in the office and discovered that I walked around with a strained frown. “You always look as though you’re busy and stressed,” explained my office mates. “We didn’t want to bother you!” Since my expression always signaled that I was busy and unavailable, they kept their distance and tuned me out.

Harvard Business School Professor Joshua Margolis hit the nail on the head when he said, “Leadership is about how someone else experiences themselves in your presence.” If people feel welcomed and invited to bring their Best Selves to every interaction with you, then they will. If they feel small, or a bother when they’re in your presence, they won’t.

My colleagues thought I was always too busy for them, and adjusted their behavior such that they didn’t consult me as often as they should. That certainly wasn’t the result I wanted. I wanted people to feel comfortable coming to me for help as a fellow collaborator—not just for the bottom line, but because I wanted my colleagues to see me as approachable.

You can set the stage for others to bring their Best Self to the conversation by working on your resting expression.

I have worked with many HR leaders who are very cerebral. They reside more in their minds and their thoughts than in their bodies and emotions. But the more we are aware of our emotions and how they show up on our faces and the faces of others, the better we can respond appropriately and use them to influence and lead others more effectively.

In order to be more effective as an HR leader, let’s explore how we can influence ourselves to become more aware of the emotions that we hold and the expressions that we wear.

Do we smile because we’re happy, or are we happy because we smile? Many scientific studies have confirmed that parts of our bodies, mainly our faces, reinforce the feelings we are experiencing. The reverse also seems to be true. Physical gestures and facial expressions can also influence how we actually feel.

Find a mirror and examine your resting expression. Is it approachable? Or could your colleagues get the wrong idea?

Experiment with your mirror. Try making dramatic expressions that would be at home in a Greek drama. Try different smiles. What does an overconfident smile look like? Or a wry one? A goofy one? Finally, find a smile that connects you to your most generous and gracious inner self.

Practice until you get a sense of how your resting smile feels on your face. Then, try to wear this resting smile for an entire day at work. Check in with yourself during the day (particularly when you really are busy)!

You might enter this exercise thinking, “I can’t control the expression on my face while I’m in the middle of something at work!” But, with patience and practice, you’ll hopefully start to see that your resting expression is a choice.

Whenever you feel that you are wearing a negative emotion on your face, take a breath, relax, and let it drop away. Then, make a choice to switch to a positive feeling.

Do you struggle with sending unwanted messages? Do you want to learn how to become more approachable? Grab a free copy of the intro and first chapter of my book, Leading From Your Best Self. CLICK HERE