What is marriage all about and should we be taking this commitment more seriously?

Subject: What is marriage all about and should we be taking this commitment more seriously?

Did you think marriage was a long game and did you think it was going to be easy?

How long did the basking in the glory of the wedding day really last?

Can you put your finger on the time when everything started to get real?

What were the goals? Good Career, Marriage, House, Children, Family car, Holiday and now what?

Warning: I'm about to help you think a little wider, a little deeper and a little wiser ;)

I say, " New Level- New Devil" Time to learn some new skills? It may be time to get more curious and less critical.

In Marriage Counselling we will emphasise the importance of responsibility and commitment in marriage, arguing that it requires sacrifice and compromise from both partners. Successful marriages involve each partner accepting responsibility for their own behaviour and working to improve themselves, rather than blaming their partner or external circumstances.

Great marriages don’t miraculously happen, they evolve over time…and people are hard work! So are teenage children, you may not be their yet, but will you walk out on them when they give you push back and treat you unkind at times, or will you work at the relationship by developing you?

  Marriage, according to law in Australia, is the union of two people to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life. Both parties must say the compulsory vows: I call upon the persons here present to witness that I, [full name], take thee, [full name], to be my lawful wedded wife/husband/spouse.

How serious were you when you entered into this commitment? How do you define commitment?

There is a critical trend towards individualism and relativism in modern society, which has led to a devaluation of marriage and the family. Where there are children involved many including myself would advocate for a return to traditional values and social structures, including the importance of marriage as a stabilising force in society.

Like the idea or hate the idea of traditional marriage, we do know for sure, we don’t set out to get married, then have children and then get divorced. That is not the game plan that most couples sign up for why would they?

The modern marriage unfortunately views arguments and discontentment as a sign to start building their journal of resentment failing to deal with the problems as they arise.

Couples may fight hard to be right because they may feel that their perspective or opinion is the correct one, and they want to feel validated and heard by their partner. Here are some possible reasons why couples may fight to be right:

1.    Validation: When couples argue, they may feel that winning the argument is important because it validates their perspective or opinion. It can be validating to feel that your partner understands and acknowledges your point of view.

2.    Control: Sometimes couples may fight to be right because they want to control the outcome of the argument or the relationship. They may believe that being right gives them more power or control in the relationship.

3.    Fear: Couples may also fight to be right because they fear being wrong or making mistakes. Admitting that they are wrong can make them feel vulnerable or insecure.

4.     Communication: In some cases, couples may be fighting to be right because they are struggling to communicate effectively. They may not be able to articulate their feelings or needs in a clear and productive way, which can lead to frustration and arguments.

5.    Ego: Finally, couples may fight to be right because their ego or sense of self is tied up in their opinions or beliefs. They may feel that admitting they are wrong would be a blow to their self-esteem or identity.

It is important for couples to remember that relationships are a partnership, and it is not about winning or being right all the time. Healthy communication and compromise are key to resolving conflicts and building a strong, supportive relationship.

When a couple decides to separate, there are several ways they can approach it in order to keep the children in the home.

NOTE: Not all separations are for the long term however please make a mental note, if your plan was to have space for a while and you are separated for over six weeks, you WILL start to solo. Maybe even forgetting that you had made a commitment to another person and had a family. You may start to choose YOU not YOUR family. You may be in your own head justifying your habits and choices. 

Tip: Wisdom is doing today what you will be proud of tomorrow….

People learn more about themselves when they are with the people that challenge them not when they are solo. However, if you have anger management issues, or having trouble regulating your emotions to the family detriment, may need time to sort yourself out keeping the family safe!

Old habits die hard, you can very easily fall back into single life acting like a single. You may find yourself being curious on dating sites, engaging in in appropriate texting or increasing your porn use.

I would ask you though “for what purpose would you be going back to a single life?” Is it to start another relationship, which you WILL be uncomfortable in occasionally, and need to do some work on you eventually?

If separation is the option you choose, then there are ways that lessen the disruption in the short term for the children.

Here are some examples of ways you can separate and keep the children in their family home while you and your partner work things through.

1.     Bird nesting: Bird nesting is a co-parenting arrangement where the children remain in the family home while the parents rotate in and out. The parents may have separate residences outside of the family home and take turns living there while the other parent stays in the family home with the children. This allows the children to stay in a stable and familiar environment while the parents transition to their new living arrangements.

2.     Living together: Some couples may choose to continue living together in the family home while separated in order to co-parent the children. This can be a temporary or long-term arrangement depending on the needs of the family.

3.     Separation of bedrooms: If the family home has enough space, parents may decide to separate the bedrooms so that each parent has their own private space within the home. This can help provide a sense of normalcy and stability for the children.

4.     Co-housing: In co-housing, the parents may choose to live in separate living quarters within the same property or housing complex. This allows the children to stay in the same neighbourhood and school district while their parents live close by.

5.     Commuting: If the parents live close to each other, they may choose to commute back and forth between their separate residences in order to co-parent the children. This can allow the children to stay in the family home while the parents share parenting responsibilities.

It is important for parents to consider the needs of their children when deciding on a separation arrangement. Communication, flexibility, and a willingness to compromise are key to making co-parenting work. Seeking the guidance of a mediator or counsellor can also be helpful in navigating this process.

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Kindest Regards

Darleen Barton | Amazon NO 1 Best Selling Author

Practitioner

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