If You Try... But Lose... Are You a Winner?

Cheryl is the nicest person you can imagine: friendly, outgoing, warm, and compassionate. Two minutes after you meet her, she is trying to help you. There's just one problem: she is ineffective beyond belief.

While other less pleasant people put their heads down and get stuff done, Cheryl traces this zig-zag pattern through life. She helps abandoned people, animals, plants, and even furniture. Cheryl can "waste" an entire day just being empathetic, often with people who view her empathy as - if we are being honest - a bit annoying.

What gives? How can a collection of such beautiful personal qualities lead a person astray?

Cheryl doesn't understand the concept of winning.

She's not alone. Huge numbers of kind, altruistic, and well-meaning people fail to understand that our society revolves around a zero-sum mindset. We compete to win. More importantly, people want to win.

I'm not a fan of this mindset - I prefer win/win as a strategy - but am enough of a realistic to understand how deeply winning pervades our culture.

If you aren't willing to work hard to win, people won't want you on their team. In this context, "team" might mean:

• Hiring you
• Promoting you
• Being friends with you
• Inviting you to a social occasion
• Introducing you to others
• Recommending your services to others

Yesterday my 17-year-old son, Matthew, gave a speech to his entire school in which he stated what seems like an obvious concept. "Winners win," he said. Matthew uttered these words after sharing a short list of personal qualities that even givers would embrace: respect, heart, and effort.

If you try but lose, are you a winner? Matthew would say no, and most people would agree with him. You might be an admirable person, but you're not a winner.

This is a complicated subject. I'd argue that it is better to measure your performance against your own capabilities than the performance of others. If I was in a race, I'd focus more on achieving a personal best than on simply doing better than everyone else. But I also understand that if I'm part of a team and my goal is something less than winning, then I am letting down my teammates.

You are nearly always on a team, even if you don't realize it

Winning is not the only thing, but it becomes a central focus the second you become part of a team. This means that if you work with others in a free market economy, you really need to understand the importance of winning.

You may not like this reality, but denying it leads to two major problems.

First, you may handicap your own ability to be effective. Good intentions alone won't make your life worthwhile.

Second, you will let down other people around you.

The second one especially troubles me. I don't have a need or desire to beat someone else, so I tend to focus more on growing my abilities and improving my performance levels. But I cringe at the thought of letting others down. If this is true of you, it makes sense to understand that in many cases...

To help others, you have to help them win.

Bruce Kasanoff helps a wide range of entrepreneurs and executives shape their best ideas for social media. He is the author of How to Self-Promote without Being a Jerk.