“WHAT makes you think YOU are SO special?”

NUMBER 11 “WHAT makes you think YOU are SO special?”

#bitchesintheboardroom bitch rating = 7/10

Miserable Martha was always miserable. She was also exceptionally bitchy.

Martha did, however, have one positive (and somewhat ironically redeeming) quality. She was always consistent. Consistently miserable and bitchy.

Doubtless there are swathes of this readership thinking ‘yes, I know one of these miserable Martha-types’. If you’re lucky, then you’ll only need to infrequently engage with this nasty breed of Boardroom bitch. If you’re unlucky, however, then you’ll be subjected to them as your LINE MANAGER!

Indeed I was subjected to Martha’s miserableness and bitchiness for three long years. And it felt a lifetime, trust me.

As an aside, in the first series of #bitchesintheboardroom I regaled my experiences through pregnancy and in the early days of having young children, whilst facing off to the acid-tongued bitches whose primary focus was to be mean, condescending and to a certain extent discriminatory. To date, I haven’t yet had the pleasure and delight of sharing some experiences from the early part of my career.

Well, buckle up buttercups because I am ready to let you in on some next level bitchiness from my pre-childbearing era. And it’s extra tasty!

So, here goes….

As is commonplace when a new CEO takes the helm of a firm, there is a new direction and a new strategy to be exploded at rapid pace across the organisation. All the newness and excitement of fresh leadership often seems to help staff feel a sense of fun and renewed energy. But not for miserable Martha. Oh no…true to her consistent form, Martha was just as miserable as her usual miserable self, even when tasked with new and exciting programmes to manage.

In the Clinical Team, where I was working at the time, me and the other Project Managers (PMs) had been tasked with looking at current and future healthcare trends to feed into an organisation-wide threats and opportunities assessment. Writing it down sounds rather boring, but when you work at the Head Office a global firm and get to collaborate with clever people all over the world, it is in fact pretty darn awesome!

To kick off the work, miserable Martha had prepared a brief for each of the PMs who were known as ‘workstream leads’. Martha groaned and moaned that the Directors had no clear outcomes, no clear scope and that ultimately the new strategic programme would be DOOMED to failure from the get-go. This was totally normal Martha-type behaviour, so me and the team of PMs simply ignored the boring complaint-related miserableness and cracked on with the work.

For two weeks we ploughed ahead, diligently, and Martha called a review meeting with all the PMs. Queen-miserable-bee Martha delivered the usual status-related updates and then opened the floor to questions. It was clear, however, that Martha had not wanted to welcome any queries, as she bluntly stated: “please do NOT ask me any STUPID questions as I do not wish to waste any more time on this STUPID programme than is necessary.”

And so, ‘considerate’ Candice and ‘thoughtful’ Tom sensibly asked to re-confirm milestone dates for their respective workstreams. Upon re-reviewing my assigned workstream deliverables, however, I quickly determined that some would be very challenging to meet.

“Martha, for Worksteam B [my workstream], is there any flexibility in the first set of milestones please?” I confidently queried, “…because I….”

And before I could even get to word number three in my supporting and explanatory statement, Martha caterwauled with venomous spite….

“WHAT makes you think YOU are SO special?”

Embarrassed and shocked by such a passive-aggressive attack, I instantly felt tears welling up in my eyes. Instinctively I knew not to let Martha see me upset by her mega-bitchery, and so I fled immediately to the to the washroom. Tearing down the corridor in my beautiful black-leather Ted Baker court heels I almost caused myself a serious ankle sprain, but little did I care as the mascara started to streak across my now red and puffy face.

Slamming the door and locking it behind me, I sat atop the cold lid of the lavatory and wailed hopelessly. In that moment I felt humiliated, useless, and disempowered. Miserable Martha and her horrible passive-aggressive response to my innocuous question had hit me hard and caused an instant, inflammatory reaction.

Within 60 seconds of locking the lavatory latch to try and secure some privacy, I heard a soft, and somewhat remorseful, voice call out: “Krysta, are you OK?”

“Ahh, yes, I will be, thank you…” I sobbed, trying desperately not to snort a long and slimy snot-trail onto my fabulous buckle-topped, houndstooth pencil skirt.

I sat quietly for a further 30 seconds, carefully reflecting and wondering whether this Corporate malarky really was for me. But before I could even have gathered my thoughts, the previously soft voice turned instantly gruff and stormed: “KRYSTA, you MUST come out, so I know you are OK”!

Quickly I dabbed the corner of my eyes, took a deep breath, and reluctantly shuffled out. Martha was stood over me like a demonic, fire-breathing dragon. She spitefully howled: “you will NOT mention a word of this to ANYONE – UNDERSTOOD?”

And I didn’t. Not to anyone, not even to my parents or my partner. I primarily feared the repercussions, but worse was so incredibly embarrassed about crying at work. It was awful.

Looking back, it’s nothing short of a miracle that I didn’t want to leave the corporate game at that point. I was so inexperienced, so fragile and at the time believed that all female Managers were miserable Marthas.

But I didn’t quit….

I stuck it out, and though I have never, of course, considered myself to be any more special than anyone else, I am special in my own unique way. I am just my own authentic self, and I shall always stand by that. ?

My departing recommendations on this article are simply as follows. If you’re in the early stages of your career and you come across a miserable Martha as your Line Manager, don’t let their negative attitudes EVER dampen your bright spirit. If you’re a glass-half-full person like me, keep telling yourself to be the best possible version of you.

You do you, and your resilience will pay off.

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Author’s Note

The posts written under the hashtag #bitchesintheboardroom represent my own views and not those of my employer. Each account is written in my own words and contains some elements of storytelling and marginally fictitious events. No personal details of individuals or any specific information related to my employer are captured to maintain the highest levels of respect and privacy. Any comments or feedback on the posts shall be taken in the spirit in which they are intended. And finally, thank you to all the glorious boardroom bitches who inspired these tales. I salute you.

Krysta Broughton-Munford

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Bitch Rating Scale

1 = Very marginally offensive, possibly unintentional bitchiness

2 = Some bitchy intent, however limited in overall impact

3 = Inherently bitchy, but could still be passed off as accidental

4 = Minor bitchy commentary and content proliferated (usually publicly)

5 = Bitchy intent established, out to cause some damage

6 = Pre-meditated bitchiness likely, possibly a deep-seated hatred bubbling away

7 = Ouch - should that be escalated to HR?

8 = Extremely high level of bitchy intent, individual is a bona fide Grade A Bitch

9 = Rude and derogatory, definitely reportable to HR

10 = Another level of mind-blowing bitchiness, just stop….

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