What makes you feel connected?

Connection: ‘a relationship in which a person or thing is linked or associated with something else’

Over the last few weeks, I have pulled back from social media (Twitter, Insta, and even LinkedIn!) due to a lack of time and head space, and I’ve felt so much better for it. In its place, and what I find most interesting, is that I don’t feel any less connected. I've placed more time on getting head space. I’ve found that when I am working or doing things, I have more mental, emotional and physical energy to put into quality conversations and connections.

How do you connect at work?

Take a moment to think about how you work. It’s likely that you need to connect with a number of people to get stuff done, create projects, ideas or work, and to achieve goals. So how do you do it? Do you get up out of your chair and go and speak to people, or call them? Or do you bash out a long email and wait for them to respond? I’m wondering whether we are losing the ability for effective face to face communication? I’ve noticed in many offices that the level at which people use the desk phone has dwindled so much that if people aren’t talking all that can be heard is the rapid tapping of keys.

Just message me..

Is the home phone still a thing? If you or anyone you know still has one, do you often have that moment that when it rings, there would almost be a comment of annoyance and ‘who is that calling?!’ would be muttered as if it was an inconvenience. These days I think we’d rather text, email or WhatsApp to make arrangements, work or socialise with people, rather than pick up the phone and organise things by talking to each other, or actually speak face to face!

Or email me..

I’m not saying that these other options don’t have a place, but think about it; how many face to face or quality meetings have you had this week? How many calls have you made? How many people have you made an effort to speak to in the office? Then compare that to the level of emails, texts, WhatsApp’s, or instant messages you have sent. I expect the latter will be greater.

I’m disconnected..

Advances in technology are great for connecting us across cities and countries, but I wonder that if this way of working and being social is the most effective way, then why are we feeling more isolated and lonelier and disconnected than ever before? The quality of our connections and ability to connect is getting smaller, and we’re creating more silo’s and solo working. Improving the quality of conversations and how we connect with each other at work needs attention as our lives are increasingly dominated by technology.

No time, just phone time

If you have teenage kids, you will probably also know the high level of time that they want to spend on phones and computers, literally on an almost continual basis. (Apparently there are parents employing a coach to encourage kids outside and into other forms of activities to try to get them off tech – complete madness!). There is less socialising in person and more building ‘connection’ over various apps.

My daughter finished school last week, and after an afternoon of celebrating found 1500 WhatsApp messages waiting for her from her class WhatsApp group! You could say that the app allowed them to connect with each other and share experiences from the day, but I would argue that in reality the connections were really made through shared experiences, and in person communication that allowed them to feel confident to communicate and connect and share experiences on the WhatsApp app.

How do we get some balance?

So, I think how you feel connected is as an important question. How do we try to gain some balance in how we are able to connect and build relationships both in person and via technology and apps?

Put the human into connection

For me connection is a meeting of minds over an idea, approach, a thought or an inspiring story. It’s growing ideas, sharing insight, finding something funny and so much more. It’s getting to know the personality behind the job role. Here is where you find the underpinning values, behaviours, stories, approaches, personality and guts of who someone is. I find people and the stories they have to tell fascinating, don’t you? We know relatively quickly the people we connect with easily, and over time we build other stronger connections through the process of getting to know someone. Connection is what drives meaning and purpose in relationships.

Create energy

I’d describe myself as an introverted extrovert, so I’m not always the most confident in big groups, and always more talkative in smaller groups. I enjoy the company of people but equally like time alone. I know that it’s not everyone’s preference to frequently speak to people face to face. Yet, without actual quality connection I think people miss out on the real value of communication and you cannot create the same energy around ideas and plans when using skype, email or other online tools. Meeting face to face can make things quicker, brighter, and enable you to really see what the other person buys into. It drives more connection.

Are we really connected?

I work with people across countries and coming together from time to time to meet face to face builds connection. In a world where we have so many connections, people we don’t know, people we share comments with but probably never meet or even speak to, it can sometimes give the illusion that we are connected. But I wonder are we really connected?

Where has the time gone for connection?

Have you noticed how sometimes, people are so busy at work that they’re disconnecting from their colleagues because they don’t give time to the small things, like taking time to ask about another person, or join in a conversation, or even take a lunch break? Sometimes this then translates in to less time spent talking about work problems and challenges and more time spent using email to do it instead. We don’t connect with people the same way as we do face to face, and it takes longer to get things done.

Is it a journey to loneliness?

I saw a tweet recently where the person said that the less that they go out, the less that they want to go out and connect with the world. Can you imagine how that might impact on their ability to work with others and get things done? People avoid going to networking events more than ever, and there is a big rise in online forums, networking groups and the use of tools like twitter and slack to canvas opinion and learn and share with others. We’re getting together less face to face and so are we disconnecting more? Does that make for happy people and successful business?

Do we feel connected enough?

We need connection to build teams, relationships and a community within an organisation. Community is important because the relationships and connections built enable people to come together better to achieve a common goal or project. Community and connection help us to understand each other and the challenges better, and be able to challenge and give feedback to each other effectively. It’s the invisible glue that brings people together and creates a culture of how you do things. It’s what makes a company more than just a workplace.

A community is stronger because there is greater trust, stronger values and a clear sense of direction that everyone signs up to and contributes to. It’s the invisible network of support for each other that creates that ‘tribe vibe’ and individual discretionary effort, because it’s something we want to be a part of, not somewhere we go to earn money or gets results only for ourselves.

We can connect in our own way

Building connections is a personal choice for everyone, and we don’t all want to do it in the same way. Some with an extroverted preference will find it easy to talk to others, while those with a more introverted preference may take longer to build connections and not always feel comfortable doing so in person.

If you’re looking to build your connections, who are your peers or the people you trust? How do you spend time with them? They may not always be in the same team or department, the same age or have the same outlook as you, but this can help to get a different perspective on things when we need advice at work on a project, or situation that might be challenging us.

If you’re looking to build better connections with others, here’s what I think is important:

? A foundation of trust

? An element of vulnerability,

? The ability to be real and true and honest,

? The ability to actively listen well to another without waiting to speak,

? To give people our fullest attention,

? True interest in another person or project subject that they work in (without a personal agenda attached),

? No judgement,

? Curiosity and open mindedness,

? Respect for the individual and their expertise

? Knowing your values and behaving and acting consistently with them

? Willing to share ideas without expecting anything in return

Trust is built by building the foundations of connection and so if you aren’t spending time getting to know people then they’ll find it difficult to understand your agenda and point of view. Likewise, it will be harder to understand what you can ask them for.

Find an interest to connect with

This sounds obvious, but I have worked with many people who just don’t find it easy to talk to others about anything other than work; they are private people. They know they need to connect in some way to get to know the other person, but they aren’t sure what to share. I always suggest thinking of one or two topics or interests in their lives that they enjoy and feel comfortable talking about and use these ‘safe’ topics to share something about themselves with others where needed. We don’t have to give everything of ourselves, but we do need to be authentic and real, and the easiest way to do this is talking about something we like, love or enjoy doing.

Build connection through vulnerability

We need to show a true interest in others; connection isn’t selling or trying to get what we want; it’s building bonds and approaches to create outcomes that result in a benefit in some way.

Earlier this year we had some training and there were people in the room from different countries. We all knew each other and had built good working relationships, but at the start of that day we all took time to share something we were proud of. All of the stories were inspiring and interestingly all of them were not about work. Some were shocking, vivid tales of struggle and awakening, pain, joy, achievement and then understanding; journeys which brought people to the point of who they were stood there that day. We left that day with a truly new view of each other. We were only able to do that because we were able to trust each other, be vulnerable and be our individual selves. Our understanding about each other and our connecting bond grew.

Have the courage to challenge

I know a leader who after months of constant travelling felt so tired, frustrated and vulnerable that they challenged back on the level of travel. Vulnerability can drive a place of strength where we clearly see what we need and if we’re courageous enough to ask for it we just might get it. The colleagues of the leader were initially surprised with the leader’s challenge, but then respectful that this had been shared. They just weren’t aware of the impact on this person! The challenge enabled them to discuss a better way forward. If we are struggling at work, being effectively connected with people doesn’t always mean being positive, it means challenging too and saying what we need.

What’s the truth?

Without connection there is only face value, and less opportunity for trust. How we interact with each other and how able we feel to speak up, challenge, or dare to confront the challenges that others won’t, relies on a strong connection with others. Without this how do you know if people are telling you the truth? What might you miss or what might not be said that might impact on individual and organisational success? If we don’t feel able to speak up, we’re less motivated and empowered to drive change and progress.

It’s good for our wellbeing

Most people need some level of social interaction and connection. It’s a proven fact that without connection with others we’re more likely to feel isolated and lonely. Loneliness can impact on our mental health. It can also raise stress hormones and inflammation which increases the risk of more serious health problems.

People can feel lonely even when surrounded by lots of people. It is the quality of connections that are emotionally rewarding that separate people who might feel lonely from those that don’t. This goes back to my earlier point around why it is so important to really listen to others. To take an interest in them and really give them our fullest attention, and to not treat them like the next task or project on the list.

When was the last time that you laughed at work?

When was the last time you laughed at work or really smiled with others you worked with? Social laughter releases endorphins which help to create, maintain and build social bonds between people. Having real interactions with others means that we’re likely to feel more engaged at work, better informed and involved and more valued by our colleagues and company.

We spend so much time at work that the opportunity to have moments of laughter, spend time checking in on others, and having moments spent talking about things that aren’t always about work, enables us to understand others better. Their interests, motivations, what’s driving them. All of this also helps to understand why a person might behave or drive things in a certain way or place importance on certain topics over others. We are not robots, we are people engaged on a life journey of challenge, opportunity, experience and good and challenging times.

Building bonds between people and the organisation

When there is a genuine connection between people and the company values and mission and each other, you drive more than just a group of people working towards a common goal you build common bonds. These bonds are a result of the combined energy, passion and motivation of people to feel safe to step out of their comfort zone, to be able to challenge each other respectfully and openly, to be open to share ideas and learn from each other, be able to be vulnerable.

Are your people living the values?

Values connect every person to the driving force of the business. So, it’s important that they not only know why they are important to the organisation, but also ensure that they mean something to the people, otherwise they are just words. Personal connection to the values and then living them, means that everyone understands why they are important to the business, and the behaviours that will help people work together and succeed which will ultimately enable the business to succeed.

If you’re business has company values, how often do you talk about them? Have you spent time talking about these with people and helping them to understand them and what they mean to them personally, their role, their team and the overall business? Building important connections to the values help people to live these behaviours in their actions day to day to drive personal and business success.

Lead the way 

This also means leading by example, right through the organisation. So, if you're a leader and you’re not role modelling these behaviours and values and encouraging them in others, then you’re ultimately saying they aren’t important. If that’s you, take a look at your own driving values, how might these align with those of the company and enable you to connect better with them?

Are you connected?

How many people have you spoken to today where you have actively listened and truly given them your fullest attention? How often do you have quality conversations and make real connections? What might change if you considered how you connect with others and how you could build even greater bonds? Step away from your screen and your phone and take time to talk, you might just discover something new.