What Makes us Truly Self-Aware? You Might Need to Think Again

One of the hardest things in the world is trying to please other people.

Another one?

Attempting to acknowledge and recognize how often we try.

The end of the year and the beginning of the next brings a lot of expectation, perfectionism, and self-critique to most of us.

We are bombarded with messages about finding the perfect gift, preparing the perfect meal, and creating the perfect social environment.?

A week later, we critically look at ourselves to determine what needs fixing and create resolutions.?

This occurs at work and home.?We judge ourselves as employees, parents, jobseekers, and our people skills.

Sometimes, the reasons that we make the choices that we do have more to do with ego, or giving others a certain impression. When this happens, we may be so convinced that we were right that we become angry or reactive instead of empathetic.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Perhaps if were more self-aware we could reduce the stress? As leaders and individuals, many of us contemplate this with difficult introspection.

Organizational researcher Dr. Tasha Eurich and her team conducted a meta-analysis of existing research and looked at results from 10 separate experiments (with nearly 5,000 participants) to determine what self-awareness really is, why we need it, and how to increase it.

“Even though most people?believe?they are self-aware, only 10-15% of the people we studied actually fit the criteria.”

The studies indicated two distinct forms of self-awareness:

???????????????? ????????-?????????????????? – how we view our values, passions, emotions, feelings, thoughts and aspirations, and impact on others. “Internal self-awareness is associated with higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness; it is negatively related to anxiety, stress, and depression.”

???????????????? ????????-?????????????????? – understanding how others view us on all of the above.?“Our research shows that people who know how others see them are more skilled at showing empathy and taking others’ perspectives. For leaders who see themselves as their employees do, their employees tend to have a better relationship with them, feel more satisfied with them, and see them as more effective in general.”

In reality, we are not better at one or the other. In fact, trying to improve is not easy - but developing a balance of both can make us more aware of the effort we put in - and the discomfort we feel when things don’t work out the way we planned.

If you are a jobseeker and anything like me, we want to know ?????? we weren’t right for the position or why we were not even chosen for an interview.

Personally, the ?????? comes up after something we have done or said. We try to puzzle out ?????? it fell flat or did not have the intended impact.

Rumination is a slippery downward spiral. We are feeling vulnerable and then overthinking about why we allowed ourselves to be and how we missed the mark. Ouch!

One of the most surprising findings of the research is that people who introspect are ???????? ????????-?????????? ?????? ???????????? ?????????? ?????? ???????????????????????? ?????? ????????-??????????!

The results showed that ?????? was less effective, had unconscious biases, more anxiety, and erroneous conclusions. We conjecture on why we could not please others or make a better impression. ?Also, it is situated on the past – a place we cannot actually get back to, but where we spend an inordinate amount of time.

Therefore, to increase productive self-insight and decrease disruptive rumination, we should?ask ????????, not why.

“What” questions help us stay objective, future-focused, and empowered to act on our new insights.

Research conducted in the workplace, as well as among students, showed that when the “why” was considered, there was a great deal of rationalizing - or in some cases, outright denying.?At times, it closed off greater self-awareness.

Yet, "what" questions helped the participants to be less self-critical and more open to learning for the future.?

As a lifelong learner, I fully admit that the more I learn the less I know.?However, there is always more to learn and discover – I will never be done.??Like a growth mindset, there are always traits and knowledge to improve and we have to keep trying (even though, admittedly, it can feel very hard at times, like the job seeking process or trying to plan the perfect holiday party).

Some explorations will resonate and some won’t; but the conclusions will be authentic to me and perhaps less harsh in hindsight and assessment. Asking "what" gives more options and behaviors to consider for improvement or opportunities in the future.

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