What Makes Us Feel Like We Belong?

What makes us feel like we belong? This question was one of many questions posed by a group of diverse executive coaches who come together quarterly to grapple with and reflect on belonging. Our aim is not to solve for belonging or fix anything, even though some of our Mindful Leadership coach team have deep expertise and experience working in the area of Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging. We come together to deepen our understanding of belonging across all aspects of our lives, and especially as it relates to our work as executive coaches. As those who engage with leaders and organizations, it is our job to become more aware of our own experiences of belonging so we can better relate, empathize, and be present with the belonging experiences and needs of our clients.

Here are themes, thoughts, and practices from our Belonging Conversations:

Belonging is Bred in our Bones

We evolved as human beings to seek out the safety of people who looked and lived like us. We carry our tribal past into the present-day workplace. Our need to feel safe and connected individually and in groups has not diminished because it is who we are as people. Social structures have changed over the millennia; however, our core evolutionary needs have not. Belongingness, the state or feeling of belonging to a particular group, is a fundamental biological and psychological need in all of us, and supports well-being and resilience. Without it, people can feel isolated and disconnected, which can lead to decreased motivation and a downward spiral of disengagement. Belonging is a fundamental human motivation.

Organizations and leaders are now more aware than ever about the core, evolutionary needs of belongingness and are fostering cultures of belonging in our new and evolving hybrid workplace environment (link to below). Belonging has become a cultural imperative.

Group Makeup and Context Matter

The makeup of a group matters at the visible level of similarity or difference based on age, race, and gender. We were built to find safety in similarity, in our clans, where everyone was like us. Similarity with others can bring instant recognition that we are with our people. This extends to groups of similar interest and can be leveraged in organizations when diverse individuals come together with shared values and a common purpose. Trust is built on feelings of belonging, and trust in turn reinforces belonging when a common purpose exists. Shared values, purpose, and goals fosters belonging.

Who owns belonging? How does a sense of belonging emerge? Organizations of all sizes are seeing the value of belonging and are seeking to understand what fosters it. The responsibility for belonging can sometimes be seen as resting with the individual, and there is some merit in this view. We are the only ones who know what gives us a sense of belonging in any group, which leaves us with a measure of control around how we show up. However, simply showing up with a desire to belong doesn’t capture the full picture of how individuals with different belonging experiences and needs find a home in any group. The group and system need to meet individuals where they are and create a belonging culture and environment. Responsibility for belonging resides in the interplay between organizational systems, groups, and individuals. More than a strategy, belonging is a way of being for individuals, groups, and organizations.

Gestures Matter

Gestures matter for us to feel like we belong. Something as simple as acknowledging someone by name as they enter a room, in-person or virtual, calms the nervous system and can bring an immediate feeling of safety. The message is, “I/We see you.” Welcoming is a gesture of belonging.

One coach in our Mindful Leadership cadre told the story of being new to a group and how an acquaintance introduced him others saying things like, “the two of you have a lot in common; you should speak.” This acquaintance took the time to make several connections like this, which gave my colleague a feeling of belonging. Making connections is a gesture of belonging.

Deep, active listening and attunement to others when they are speaking says, “I/We care about what you are saying,” and, by extension, communicates, “I/We care about you.” It can also give us permission to be who we are. Listening is a gesture of belonging.

Eye contact and genuine smiling—not the creepy movement of the mouth upward that leaves the eyes and rest of the face behind—affirms us in the moment of greeting and lets us know we are in a positive, open space where people are happy to see us. Smiling is a gesture of belonging.

For belonging to become a way of being for individuals, groups, and organizations, present moment awareness is the key. The more we can be present with others in our shared, ever-changing reality, the more belonging has the chance to take root, grow, and flourish. Mindful awareness is a gesture of belonging.

Belonging – A Postscript

The Washington Post reported on November 15, 2022 that the world’s population reached 8 billion, according to estimates from the United Nations. The article has an interactive feature that lets you see where you “belong” in terms of age, country, and gender (U.N. data includes only binary gender options). ?https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/interactive/2022/world-population-8-billion/

As I typed in my info my curiosity was piqued. When I saw the numbers generated for my demographic—59 million people like me in the world and 1.9 million in the US—at first, I felt nothing. I may be a statistic, but data do not give me a sense of belonging. At a deeper, intuitive level, I know and sense that I am connected beyond the data to real people around the world, like me and not like me, living their lives with the same need to belong.?