WHAT MAKES A CONVERSATION DIFFICULT?

Conversations which create a burn in the pit of our stomach the minute we think or hear of the phrase ‘We need to talk’ sums up the umbrella of all conversations which can be termed difficult.

·?????? These are the conversations that we dread or at least feel uneasy about.

·?????? These are the conversations that we feel deeply about—our emotions are heavily invested in them.

·?????? These are the conversations whose outcomes are very important to us—the stakes are high.

·?????? These are the conversations that are likely to invoke strong negative emotions or conflict during the conversation.

In general, a difficult talk is one where we are uncomfortable because we anticipate poor outcome. And such situations are all around us.

WHAT MAKES A CONVERSATION DIFFICULT?

People are NOT difficult.

Situations are NOT difficult.

Conversations are NOT difficult.

A difficult talk becomes difficult because we make it so. No topic or person is inherently difficult to talk to. Mostly, conversations turn difficult because of four differing lenses. The four Ps of a difficult conversation.

The Lens of Differing Priority

Differing and even conflicting interests arise due to different priorities. The common examples in an organization are the conflicts in differing priorities among various departments— production having a priority on design requirements, finance on the budget constraints and marketing on the product roll-out.

Priorities can also be a difference in the value system. Maybe you give utmost priority to time and a few members in your team do not consider time such a sacrosanct issue. Every time a deadline approaches, the talk in the team turns accusatory.

The Lens of Differing Personality

People have differing personal styles, and while working closely in a team with someone whose work style, values and personality are different from ours, it can lead to misunderstanding and conflicts.

Maybe you are an extrovert and your colleague is an introvert. Your choice in every problem may be in influencing, persuading or coordinating, and your colleague may prefer analysis and emails. Maybe you score very high on agreeableness. And your boss, a doer, scores low. It may feel like you drew the short straw and have to always listen to him because after all personality cannot be changed. But we can change the conversation. Contrary to popularly held limiting beliefs, soft and agreeable people need not get bulldozed by their confident partners.

The Lens of Differing People

It is sometimes easier to talk to a group than hold a deeper conversation with a single person. It may be easier to provide generic feedback about how the entire team performed in a meeting than sit down with one colleague and go deep into the issues of performance.

Maybe your team prefers to hold a conversation to understand requirements and their role in it, but your boss prefers to give instructions over mail. It can also be that your boss prefers to call for a team meeting for everything and many in the team feel that they would be saving time by just shifting half the agenda to emails.

Different people would also mean intergenerational conflict, gender bias and deeply held cultural views. The lens of people not only holds the person but also the perceptions about the person. We hardly see an individual as just a human. He is a man, she is a woman, he is a boss, they are old, they are the young and irresponsible generation. The list is long and therein lies the difficulty in the conversation.

The Lens of Differing Past Experience

We are in many ways the proverbial Pavlovian dog in our conditioning to stimulus. Repeated behaviours of what worked in the past and staying away from negative stimulus are common. This is a trait we carry in our conversations also. If a conversation in the past did not go well, we assume such outcomes to repeat themselves even if the next time the talk is between different people. We carry the conversations of our past and try to do a messy patchwork of all the ideas that worked in the past.

And this inability to look at each talk from a fresh perspective creates the difficulty.

Even though almost all of us have negative associations towards difficult conversations, we often forget the positive effects they can have at the workplace.

First, they could encourage dialogue and discussions between the various levels of the organization.

Second, they offer an opportunity to openly speak about a problem or situation, enhancing the bond between the team members. Furthermore, they could strengthen collaboration by offering a chance to come up with solutions together.

Lastly, challenging conversations provide an opportunity to discuss organizational values and to align employees around expectations which are explicit and clear. Thus, dealing with difficult conversations has numerous positive outcomes such as boosting morale, fostering collaboration and a positive work environment.

To know more about how to navigate difficult conversations and master the most important talks in your workplace, mail [email protected] to explore options.