WHAT IS LONELINESS AND HOW DO WE COMBAT IT?

Loneliness can have shame associated with it, which is unfortunate and it shouldn’t be like this.?

Often people are lonely but do not know it. So I’d like to banish the stigma and explore what it really is.?

It’s not something that is easily quantified.?

The diction definition is: sad because one has no friends or company.?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like this quite covers it. So let’s delve a little deeper.?

There’s a difference to being alone, and being lonely. Many people, like you might do, live alone, and are happy living alone, and have deep connections with friends and family. Some are in a relationship, have a family but are disconnected from them.?

This isn’t something that just affects one type of person either, it is across generations, and across the world too. In the UK alone 45% of the population have said they often feel lonely or have been lonely. That’s 25 million people who are suffering from loneliness and 200k elderly people have no social interaction at all. When you think about it, these are only the people who have spoken out about it too, so the problem is much more widespread than one would know.?

It’s become that much of an epidemic that the UK Government have appointed a Minster for Loneliness. Did you know that Australia have an annual Neighbour Day, Neighbour Day is Australia’s annual celebration of community, encouraging people to connect with those who live in their neighbourhood. Where there are street parties and the neighbours all get together. How about that for leading the way for getting people to know their neighbours and creating community.?

Loneliness is not just sadness because one has no friends or company. Loneliness is a state of mind. It isn’t being alone, as in physically. It’s something you feel. You may feel empty, alone, isolated, unwanted and crave human connections but your state of mind may make it difficult for you to connect.

For example, someone who is off to university for the first time, moving away from home and what they know, might feel lonely despite being surrounded by roommates and other peers. A soldier beginning his military career might feel lonely after being deployed to a foreign country, despite being constantly surrounded by other troop members. Travelling sales reps, alone in hotels and often away from home.

I hope that you’re beginning to see now what loneliness is.?

Now let’s talk about the causes.?

Causes:

Contributing factors include situational variables, such as physical isolation. Such as the traveling sales rep we just spoke about. This could be you living alone, working alone, only going out to get some shopping, eating alone often and not interacting with other people in day to day life.

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Another cause is moving to a new location. I know this all too well as it’s what I experienced when I moved abroad – not that I knew it at the time. I was having fun, but something was missing and it wasn’t until later that I worked out what the truth of the matter was. This is how I can speak with absolute conviction about this as I have overcome this. Moving to somewhere new is hard, you don’t know anyone, you have to make new friends, you have new neighbours, you might have a new job too. These are all factors which add up to your lonely state of mind.?

Divorce. This is a big one and one I know affects many people around the world and is becoming more common. This splitting of a unit can often involve one half getting to keep the friendship group. New homes are set up, there’s a silence in evening when you’re home from work. No one to complain to about the crap tv and you’re suddenly cooking for one. It turns lives completely upside down.?

The death of someone significant in a person's life can also lead to feelings of loneliness. People experience grief in different ways but this is certainly not something to be overlooked. It creates a hole in your life and needs to be dealt with. Ensure you have a support network around you to help you deal with losses like this.?

Additionally, it can be a symptom of a?psychological disorder?such as depression and can also be attributed to internal factors such as low?self-esteem. People who lack confidence in themselves often believe that they are unworthy of the attention or regard of other people. This can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.

These aren’t the only causes of loneliness but are some major ones which I felt really needed sharing. You might resonate with one or more of these.?

Signs:

Now, we’ve talked about what it is, and what causes it, but how can you spot this, in yourself or in someone else?

I’ve got a short list here which are some telling factors that you might be lonely.?

Binge watching series – now I’m not saying just because you’ve spent one Sunday in the past year watching an entire series of something makes you lonely, I know I’ve done this with a series I really enjoyed, but if you do this often, and this is your ‘entertainment’ shall we call it. It could be a sign that you’re lonely. There’s a lack of human interaction here and next time someone says they’ve just finished a series or are looking for a new one, maybe that’s them reaching out for some human connection. Why not ask them out for dinner or to do an activity instead of giving them something to watch.?

Social media addiction:?

Social media has taken the world by storm, and whilst it has made the world a smaller place, we’re able to connect instantly with anyone, anywhere in the world, it also distances us from people. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a friend by chance in the street and just said you’ll catch up later online, and then don’t??

Studies have found that you’re more likely to use social media when you’re feeling lonely. Why? Because you’re searching for something that’s missing in your life, but you don’t know what this is! Although social media doesn’t necessarily make us feel lonelier, watching people’s lives go by on our newsfeeds can lead to feelings of unhappiness.?

Social media paints a picture perfect life of what the person wants us to see. You don’t see (mostly) the inner turmoil some people are going through. People will portray themselves how they want to be seen on social media. So please have a think before you wish your life was theirs, as you never know what is going on in somebody else’s life.?

Knowing how to behave in social situations but not:

By this I mean, have you ever noticed someone in the room, or been the person in the room, sticking to the walls, not making eye contact and quickly running out of things to say, or it’s real hard work trying to spark up a conversation with them?

Let’s take a networking event for example, loneliness often plays out on social anxieties. It could be a huge step for someone who is lonely to go to a networking event, so give people a chance, make them feel comfortable when you’re with them as it’s often hard to talk to people when you’re lonely as you may feel unworthly. This links back to having low self esteem, as we spoke about earlier. Sometimes people need a little extra encouragement.?

Being alone doesn’t feel like ‘you’ time.?

Everyone needs some headspace right? I know I do, you lead a busy life, work, family, chores, but when it comes to being alone, it doesn’t feel like you’re just getting some much needed ‘you’ time. Look inside and ask the question. How do I feel? You might just find that you’re lonely.?

The first step to putting an end to this, is to recognise what you’re feeling, or if you’re able to use what you’ve been taught here to spot it in someone else, have a gentle chat with them and just be the friend they so much need.?

The trouble with loneliness is, it doesn’t just stop at a feeling, it isn’t just a state of mind. Which is why I’m going to speak more about the effect it has on your health, mentally and physically, and therefore overall quality of life on the next post.