What is Listening?

Our focus for this month?is?listening, which seems very appropriate given the times we find ourselves in.?

Deepening?our?listening capacities is always in fashion?if?we're human (and, in case you haven't checked recently,?we?are).?

If?we?want to be effective in life, happy in?our?relationships and make the difference?we?want to make listening is a critical skill. It's one of our most important activities fundamental to relationships. Fundamental also to who?we?are in the world and how others know?us.?

First, let's define it. If you go out to the dictionary online, it'll give you three different?definitions?for listening.?

1. 'You give your attention to a sound’.?Someone speaking, birds singing in your backyard, screeching brakes -- any attention to a particular sound.?

2. 'Taking notice of and acting on what someone says, responding to advice or a request.’?

3. 'Make an effort to hear something’. Being alert and ready to hear something. Listening for the baby, for the dishwasher to?start?running, the?alarm?to ring, the dinging of chat messages -- for a particular?noise?that will?notify you.

While those are the three?definitions?from the online dictionary, there's more to listening than that.

Given we're going into the holiday season, it's a perfect time to do some deep learning on this topic. Explore by listening to yourself, listening to others, finding out how others listen to you (or for what you have to say). And discovering for yourself 'what is listening'.?

What do?we?usually focus on when listening to someone??I've found?four main areas. These are not in priority order. My experience is that?the?area you tend to focus on primarily is a matter of personal habit, preference, and capacity.?

Deep?listening?takes a myriad of factors into account to understand the nuance and meaning of what?we?are hearing.?

1. Context

We?listen for context. Either directly or subconsciously,?we?determine the context?so that?we?can follow what they are saying and so that it makes sense to?us.

There's an expression - "that was out of the blue" - and it means that what they said makes no sense to?us?(in other words,?we?have no context for what got said).

Context determines meaning. So it is EXTREMELY?important for comprehending the meaning others intend?us?to understand.?

Note:?If?we?don't give any context when?we're?speaking, listeners will create their own context (and that can be disastrous for full understanding!)

2. Physical/Body Language

If?we?are in person or have a visual connection (zoom, skype)?we?might find?ourselves?focusing on physical?cues. What's their posture? Gestures? How did they turn their head? Did they smile? Frown? Etc. What kind of clues do these cues?give?us? What are they're saying without saying it??

We create narratives?based on these non-verbal signals - whether they are sad, tired, disbelieving, inquisitive, bored.... We also get this wrong a lot. So if you are someone who tends to put a lot of stock into your ability to recognize non-verbal physical patterns, check that out once-in-a-while by asking people whether your assessment is?their?experience.?

3. Remembering Details

Third,?we?listen to remember details. Are there instructions?we?need to follow? Are there particular details important to the nature of this?project? At which stop sign do we turn right?

While this kind of listening sounds simple, it's not.?We?know It's not because?we've?seen numerous fails regarding verbal directions. This is why many people will now say "text me" the details. Most of us aren't great at listening for?or?remembering the particulars.?

However, many people tend to listen for all the details - thinking this will aid their comprehension (it?frequently?doesn't). And many speakers tend to give?far?too many details and this weakens the listener's?understanding (as well as interest).?

4. Connection

We?listen for, and feel,?a connection?when someone is sharing something personal - some aspect of their journey.?That involves listening with empathy and understanding. Listening for their experience - how it was for them and how it might be if we'd been in their shoes -?is a very different kind of listening than when we are attempting to remember details.??

What is your preferred style??

This week inquire into how you listen.?

Possible?inquiry questions:

• How do I listen?
• What are the things I focus on when I'm listening?
• How does context impact how I listen and what I hear?
• Notice how your listening changes under different circumstances, with different people, in different mediums (in person, Zoom, social media, cell phone).
• What do you listen for? How do you make sense of what you hear? And how does that impact your relationships??

Recommendation: write down your answers to the questions above. Insights are much easier to generate and learn from when you get them out of your head and onto physical or digital paper.?

Have a great week listening to your listening!

Andrea