What Kept Us Safe in the History of Man Can Undermine Our Self-Confidence

Four frogs were sitting on a branch above a pond. One day, they decided to jump into the water. How many frogs were left on the branch?

For many, the answer is four. Although they decided to jump, none took action. This version of the story highlights a crucial lesson: making a decision is important, but the actions that follow the decision truly make a difference.

However, I always thought that the answer could just as well have been none. We tend to be followers and want to fit in. If an influencial frog decided to jump, it is likley that the others would soon follow, even if it wasn't in their best interest.

Back in human history, being connected to the ideas, viewpoints, values, and beliefs of others increased our chances of survival. The concept of self-esteem or confidence that was internallly authored wasn’t what kept us alive. It threatened our membership of the tribe.

Our identity as members of a group provided immediate rewards—emotional and chemical fulfilment when our group succeeded—the release of dopamine, which increased our self-esteem and made us feel confident, safe, and superior. Our identity, thinking, and actions were mostly driven by us rather than me. Today, identifying with the group implies having a predisposition to appraise ourselves and others based on characteristics such as:

• Social approval: being accepted, appreciated, and validated.
• Workplace: what we think other people think of the standard of our work.
• Money: the perception of our financial wealth.
• Achievements: achievements that matter to the people we associate with.
• Appearance: meeting cultural standards for attractiveness.
• Social comparison: being “better” than others in something that our group values.
• Virtue: being a virtuous person – living by the rules.
• Power: my sense of power within the group.
• Family approval: compliance with my family’s desire.

However, this dependency of our self-worth on the opinions of others has a dark alter ego. In the complexity facing us daily, our need to be included, even at the expense of our own best interests, presents challenges, particularly for women, including:

• Feeling undervalued, underestimated, and undermined.
• Held back by bias and other invisible barriers.
• Struggling to find our voice, speak up, and assert ourselves.
• Concerned about coming across as 'aggressive'.
• Finding it difficult to make a decision.
• Afraid of anger or disapproval from others.
• Uncomfortable when asking others to see your preferences as important.
• Reluctant to deal with conflict.
• Struggling with a harsh inner critic and imposter syndrome.
• Overthinking, overpreparing, and being perfectionistic.
• Feeling uncomfortable when people disagree.
• Lacking confidence to initiate conversations that challenge the opinions of others.
• Finding it hard to show up—as ourselves—in masculine feeling workplaces.
• Setting goals to please others.

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