"What If....."

I was DONE.

After 27 years, I was done climbing the corporate ladder—a ladder I had placed against a wall of my own choosing. It was a journey I embarked on voluntarily, laying the ladder against a dauntingly high wall, the summit of which was obscured from my view.

?I began to climb.

?I embarked on my ascent with determination, scaling the ladder rung by rung. To my left and right, fellow climbers tackled their own ladders, each of us ensnared in a silent pact of ambition. We exchanged fleeting glances and occasional high-fives, a camaraderie born of shared endeavor, yet each of us remained singularly focused on our climb, heedless of the destination.

?With every step upward, the ground seemed to recede further into the distance, amplifying my innate fear of heights. This fear, rather than urging me to descend, paradoxically fueled my ascent. The higher I climbed, the more pronounced the fear became, morphing into a relentless force that propelled me upwards. It was an ironic twist—my trepidation of falling became the very reason I continued to climb, driving me further away from the safety of the ground and deeper into the uncertainty above.

As my journey began, I carried with me a backpack, initially light and empty, symbolizing the start of my climb unburdened and free. Yet, with each step taken upwards, this backpack began to fill, gradually at first, then more rapidly, with the milestones and trials of my life. Children, marriage, the sting of bankruptcy, the demands of various jobs, the pursuit of education, the shadow of illness, the complexities of IEPs, the heartache of death and suicide, the turmoil of divorce, followed by the hope of remarriage and the joy and challenge of more children.

?Each of these experiences, significant in its their own right, added weight to my load, transforming my backpack into a repository of life's complexities. This accumulation of life’s events didn’t just add physical weight; it brought with it a psychological burden—a growing apprehension with every elevation gained, as the responsibilities and challenges seemed to magnify the higher, I climbed.

But then, a shift occurred. As I glanced beyond the climbers beside me, my eyes caught glimpses of a different life. People were engaging deeply with the world, not from the rungs of a ladder but from the richness of the earth itself—swimming in oceans, meandering on beautifully winding trails, sharing laughter by a cozy fire. These visions stirred within me a profound sense of longing; showcasing a stark contrast between the solitary climb I had undertaken and the communal joy they experienced on solid ground.

And I felt IT.

It washed over me—a poignant sensation, a blend of regret and the stirring potential of two simple, yet profound, questions: "What if?" The questions echoed in my soul, resonating with possibilities I had never dared to contemplate.

“What if I let go?”

“What if I stop climbing?”

“What if I just climb back down?”

“What if I jump?”

Compelled by this newfound introspection, I turned to those climbing alongside me, sharing my cascade of “what if” inquiries. Their response was unanimous, a chorus of disbelief ringing loudest from those on adjacent ladders, my closest companions in this ascent. "Are you crazy?" they asked, unable to fathom the thought of abandoning the climb we had all committed to so fervently.

Everywhere my eyes turned, I saw an endless sea of climbers, each person steadfastly ascending. Not a single soul paused in their pursuit, nor did anyone dare to leap off their ladder. It was a collective march, a relentless journey up a wall that seemed to stretch into infinity, with no visible end in sight.

And I felt sick.

Yet, occasionally, the golden hues of a sunrise or the fiery colors of a sunset would cast a spotlight on a different scene—people reveling in laughter by a fire, strolling down winding paths, or swimming in the vastness of the ocean, without a ladder in sight.

With each of these fleeting glimpses, my hold on my own ladder began to weaken, subtly at first, until one day I noticed that one of my hands had already let go, almost as if by instinct, drawn to the possibility of a life beyond the climb.

As the burden in my backpack grew increasingly heavy, a thought crossed my mind—could I possibly continue this climb with just one hand? Upon realizing the answer was a definitive no, my mind began to wander, leading me to ponder a new set of questions, each one opening the door to unexplored possibilities.

"What if I could fly?"

"What if the sensation of the ocean's waves caressing my toes is as delightful as it seems?"

"What if the warmth from that fire could ignite a spark within my soul?"

"What if this new path is even more fulfilling than anything I've ever imagined?"

Seeking validation one final time, I voiced my doubts and dreams to those around me, only to be met once again with the incredulous query, "Are you crazy?" This time, however, something within me had shifted. I inhaled deeply, a sense of resolve steadying my nerves, and with a clarity born from countless moments of introspection, I replied,

"Yes, I am."

In that defining moment, I released my grasp and took the leap, filled with the same depth of conviction and sense of purpose that had propelled me to set my ladder against the wall initially.

As I descended, fleeting moments of exhilaration washed over me, a sense of liberation unlike any I had felt before. Yet, as I caught a glimpse of the dizzying heights from which I had fallen and the speed of my descent, a wave of fear crashed over me. In a panic, I rifled through my backpack, searching for a parachute I knew I had never packed.

To my astonishment, I discovered I had indeed crafted a parachute, albeit not in the conventional sense. Throughout my ascent, without realizing it, I had been weaving together a unique safety net from the very essence of my experiences—resilience, passion, creativity, wisdom, kindness, friendship, along with the pangs of regret, the depths of sorrow, the ache of longing, and the warmth of love. These elements, intricately entwined, formed the most extraordinary, potent parachute imaginable, ready to support me in my time of need.

As I deployed my chute, descending gracefully towards the earth, I cast a final glance upwards at the multitude of ladders, far more than I had ever perceived from my own climb. My eyes scanned the sea of ascent until they found my own ladder, now vacant. A smile spread across my face, a reflection of the peace and fulfillment that came with my decision to let go.

Turning to faced the horizon, the very earth I once sought to leave behind now rose to embrace me. With my eyes gently closed, I entertained a series of hopeful inquiries, allowing myself to dream of what lay ahead:

"What if it’s perfect?"

"What if it’s magical?"

"What if it’s better than I ever imagined?"

In the moment the last "what if" drifted from my lips, my feet softly made contact with the earth. Upon opening my eyes, the landscape revealed itself, free of ladders and absent of any roadmap, yet it bestowed upon me a profound sense of wholeness I had never before imagined.

My journey hasn't reached its end. The path before me is serpentine, unpredictable, and I can't foresee what lies ahead, but its beauty is undeniable.

Now when I opened my backpack, it was just as heavy as it had always been, yet I found within myself a greater strength and capacity to carry that weight than ever before.

I was done.

?I had reached my limit. Done with the endless ascent on a ladder leading to nowhere, living a life that was not truly mine but one constructed from expectations and the desires of others. Other’s who lied, who didn’t know any better and told me climbing the ladder was the only way.

?Done with juggling the duality of existence—one foot on the relentless climb dictated by society, and the other yearning for the simplicity of a winding path, the comfort of a warm fire, and the serene touch of ocean waves.

I was finished with the relentless pursuit of a destination set by others, burdened by a backpack filled to the brim with the milestones and trials of my life, each one making the climb ever more arduous.

?I was done.

I am no longer done.

I am just beginning…….

I urge you to pause and ponder your own ascent. Are you tirelessly climbing a ladder that aligns with your true aspirations, or have you found yourself on a path not of your choosing? It's a moment to ask yourself the "What if?" questions that echo in the recesses of your heart. "What if I pursued what truly makes me happy?" "What if I embraced the paths that promise joy, fulfillment, and tranquility?"

?It's never too late to redefine your journey, to release the burdens that weigh you down, and to seize the opportunity to start anew, inspired by the promise of what could be.

I am just beginning... and so can you, guided by the powerful questions of "What if?"