What I've let go of this year

I feel in many ways I have a lightness about me these days that is reminiscent of maybe where I was in my early twenties, less weighed down by the experiences of life that can sometimes fill us with a heaviness we don't even realise we have taken on until we shed it. So I thought I'd share what I have let go of this year that has bettered me.

Firstly I've let go of trying to strive for a definition of success defined by other people. I admire anyone that has forged a different path from the 'norm' and hope and pray others can have the strength of self and self awareness to realise the aren't chasing their own dreams, but someone else's. It took me a while and didn't happen over night but over the past few years my values have grown stronger and allowed me to make decisions based on what I perceive to be right and true, versus the collective. My definition of success broadly speaking is creating a life that I don't want to escape from. I want to live my 'weekend' every day and not be dreading tomorrow, or living for a future that doesn't exist yet (I used to do that a lot). I don't want to numb myself to get through with substances, I want to be present, alive, grateful and lift others around me rather than bringing them down. We all know someone who drains us the moment they walk into the room and it ain't pretty. I've been that person before, and would blame everyone and everything else rather than own it and I don't want to be that person again. We and we alone are responsible for our happiness. I believe happiness, purpose, love etc are all a choice and you have to choose it.

When I realised working for someone else's vision and idea of success was bringing me down I (eventually) quit to start my own business. I have little time for people that moan about their lives and do nothing about it and yet there I was doing the same. So I did what I had wanted to do for a while and made the leap of faith into being my own boss. This has been a pivotal moment for me in realising what I am truly capable of, learning to trust in my gut what I knew somewhere deep down, which was, I am good at what I do.

Success for me is also freedom. Freedom to choose where I want to be, who I want to surround myself by, what kind of clients I want to work with, how I want to live out each day. I hear a lot of people talk about losing their freedom with the virus but I would argue that many of these people were never free before. Most people I see are trapped; trapped in a house they can't afford and need to pay off for the rest of their lives, thus ensuring they need to earn a certain salary to keep those payments up; trapped in a job they don't like because in their minds they must keep climbing that ladder, further and further, earning more money and titles along the way; trapped in relationships and friendships they feel a sense of duty/guilt/social expectations to stay in; trapped in a cycle of low self esteem because every day they are bombarded with the message you are not good, pretty, clever, funny enough so you must always be looking to self improve. The list goes on. I don't want to be trapped. I don't want to make decisions for the wrong reasons, I don't want to keep people around me that take everything and give nothing back, that lower my own self esteem. I don't want to sit in an office that encourages competition with those around me. I know there were times I let my work environment dictate how I felt about myself. If I wasn't hitting targets, if I wasn't doing better than my peers I felt low. I remember calling my mum and she could always tell straight away when I was having a bad day, week, or month at work by how I answered the phone. I'd make a placement and suddenly I was on cloud 9 (the highs eventually lasted shorter and shorter amounts of time ). It was like I equated success at work with self worth.

Anyway, I digress. But please spend some time working out what success means to you, and not anyone else. Put REAL time and thought into it. I now am back to loving my job but without the extreme highs and lows.

I've also let go of defending my life choices. Man I used to be defensive. I think a lot of it stemmed from childhood crap but I think it's also been perpetuated by the fact that I have made some radical choices (in comparison to the percieved norm that is) and so you get questioned a lot. I think a lot of people wrap up thinly veiled insults, in 'genuine' interest and 'openness' and I have learnt over time to listen out for a person who is genuinely interested in my life choices versus someone who is wanting to defend their own. I am vegan, I don't drink alcohol or take any drugs, I don't consume caffeine of any kind, I live in a van, I don't want kids, I'm not too fussed about getting married, I don't want to build out my business to have employees and become a big empire, I don't want to buy a house (I want to build one myself). I get it, I am confusing to a lot of people. But I don't have to defend those choices, and nor do you have to defend yours either. People will often not understand you and that's ok. I realise now the amount of energy I wasted on trying to get people to understand why I live how I do.

On the flip side, it is enormously empowering and exciting when you meet people that just get it. I find it amazing when I now meet people like that and you just bounce off of each other. It's empowering to know that there are others out there with the same morals, values, passions etc and I promise you, it's worth waiting for. It's not worth compromising your own values because that won't make you happy. This is why travelling is so valuable. It opens yourself up to meeting new people and allows you more chances to create relationships with others that think similarly (as well as others that don't which helps you grow in other ways, such as more compassion and tolerance).

I've also let go of planning so far ahead. I want more than anything to stay as present as possible and I've never been good at that. I still am working on it but it's amazing the difference a year makes. Trusting in the notion that not everything needs to be decided ahead of time to work out as it should is remarkably empowering. Furthermore, as the virus has shown us, you can have all the plans in the world but then in a moment they can be taken away from you. But when you have to, you adapt. I hope everyone takes away from this year that you can survive. It might be tough, it might not be the path you saw for yourself but there is opportunity in every bit of adversity, you just have to choose to see it that way. We are all more resilient and stronger than we tend to realise.

Another thing I have let go of this year are excessive amounts of things. I really do believe minimalism is a window into a much happier, fulfilling and creative world. I don't mean throw everything away but the less junk you have the more space you have for meaningful pursuits. My whole world exists in my van. I have no storage anywhere, what I own is with me each day. Now and again I contemplate the possibility of someone stealing my van and what that would mean to me, how it would make me feel. Of course it would be momentarily devastating. But I can honestly say it would be just that, a moment. The most annoying part for me would just be the time it would take to buy the things I need again. But even as I think of that whilst I type this, I feel a sense of excitement alongside the inconvenience, of how I might do better this time round and make everything even easier to part with the next time. The most valuable thing I own are memories. They are in my head and at most they are captured in a photograph, maybe a small keepsake. Luckily these days our photographs are pretty safe. Mine all float in a cloud somewhere so I know I can get them back. The rest of my possessions are replaceable. That feeling is remarkable freeing I promise. I hope you feel it one day. Declutter your life and it will declutter your brain and make room for more joy. It simplifies your whole existence when you don't own lots of crap and don't put too much meaning on the crap you do have. Don't let clever advertising fool you into thinking you need more than you do.

I have a wardrobe that has stayed the same until the holes become embarrassingly large, for years. The things I own are either books to read or activities to take part in. Most of the stuff I own is sport related, dog related or food related. That's it. I use everything I own and I love that my possessions don't gather dust somewhere, they genuinely enhance my life. Think about how much time you spend each week cleaning and doing chores in your home. I remember most weekends half day at least was spent cleaning, or tidying in some way. I take 5 minutes every other day. Imagine the time you save just on household chores by living in a smaller space. That in itself to me is enough of a light bulb moment to know I don't ever want a big house.

I've let go of waiting for the 'perfect moment' to do things that scare me. If you wait to feel ready for something, or you hear yourself making that excuse to someone for not pursuing a dream, you will do that forever. Or, you'll finally do it and realise you wasted a fair few years and could have done it sooner. I don't regret the timing of me starting my own business. I am fully aware I couldn't have just done this from day one. I have learnt a great deal off of the 3 companies I have worked with up until this point, and the colleagues I have stood beside along the way. I needed those lessons and it is through those lessons I am where I am.

I debated for months over getting a puppy or not. Would it ruin my time in the van, would it make life harder? Would I be able to cope with the responsibility? etc. and I was putting it off until one day I realised, there will never be a perfect time and there is always a solution to a problem if it arises. I knew that once I had him it would take away some options but with that a million more opened. I couldn't go on one hike because it wasn't dog friendly, but instead I went on another that was. Not only that but the amount of friends I have made from owning a dog is amazing. He is really the best ice breaker possible and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Don't wait for the 'right time'. It's such a waste of time. We speak about being agile and failing fast in the tech industry every dam day. Apply it to your own life. If you're not ready and you make a mistake, you will learn a lot quicker that way rather than waiting and not ever trying at all. If you think you can't do van life, DO IT. How else will you know? Worried you can't be your own boss? Try it and then you will see. If you are half decent at your current job, worst case scenario you will find another one. Best case scenario you will smash it out of the park and never look back.

Finally, I have let go of the past. I am not defined by my mistakes. I have grown from them into a better person. I am not the person I was yesterday and I won't ever be again. I don't want to spend my life and energy berating myself over things that I can't change. As long as I learn from each action and event I am on the right path. I have a sort of inbuilt rule in my head, that making a mistake once is ok, second time is a little silly but forgivable and third time I am an idiot. So I really try and focus after an action or event I regret and working out why it happened, what I learnt from it, what I would like to do differently next time and then move on.