What I've learnt about being a working Mum

People often ask me for advice about being a working Mum, so in celebration of Mothers Day, I have written some top tips based on what I have learned.

1. Do not kid yourself that anyone is nailing it.

I always find it a combination of surprising / funny / alarming when someone seeks my advice on being a working mum. I actually feel a bit of a fraud offering you my advice on it, because I do not have it nailed. At all. I could tell you the story of the time I left my 5 year old at school because I hadn’t clocked there was an early finish. Or when my daughter asked me "if you're the boss, you make up the work... so why do you make up so much of it?". Or the litany of awful World Book Day attempts*. Every Mum has these stories. No one has it sorted. Everyone is muddling through, doing their best. Every family is a high temperature or a delayed train away from total utter chaos. You are not alone.

2. It’s a team sport - all of it

Society has made up an ideal about a superwoman who does amazing things at work, does every drop off and pick up, makes her own ketchup (with the kids) and does yoga every day. This woman is simply heading for burnout. It is not a competition and there are no prizes for how much you take on. Instead, get help. From your partner, your colleagues, your friends, your family, your school-gate pals… and think about whether you want to pay for some of it. (Getting a cleaner has changed my life - possibly saved my marriage.) It takes a village, and all that.

3. You get to choose (macro)

Every generation of women before us fought for us to have more choices than them, whether in public life, at work or at home. I fully accept that some people have more choices than others, but you do have options. Reminding yourself of this can really help if you the juggle feels tough, or you feel trapped. In the middle of her maternity leave, one of my friends was having a really hard time - she hated the interminable tedium and felt isolated. Then she realised it was actually her choice - no one was forcing her to stay at home with a baby the whole time, she could work, or use some childcare, or her partner could take time off. In the end she decided to change her attitude not her set up and make the most of the short time she had left on mat leave. But the realisation she didn’t have to really helped her shift from feeling like a victim to feeling like she had agency. I often tell myself “I don’t have to do this version of my life - I have chosen to… and if it doesn’t work for me and my family, I can always do something different”. Turns out I want to do it this way, at least for now.

4. You get to choose (micro)

Again, I understand I am very lucky to be in a position in which I have a high degree of autonomy about how I organise my day. But many people have more autonomy than they use. And the post-Covid workplace is transforming our flexibility. So take charge! Set your boundaries and schedule them into your calendar. Ask for that meeting to be moved. Manage expectations about that slide deck so you can read the kids a bedtime story. Call in that favour from your school-gate friend so you can get your passion project over the line.

5. Make it work for now, not forever

When you have a baby, everyone tells you how quickly they change. They really do! That means you can’t plan too far into the future. So don’t worry too much about how your arrangements will work in a year’s time, just make them work for now. For me - childminders worked for a bit, then nursery did, then full time wrap around at school worked (til it didn’t), then a nanny worked for a bit (til it didn’t), now we’re having a bit of a rethink.

6. Ditch the judgement

I often ask women struggling with the juggle, “what is stopping you from changing something?” Usually they say that someone somewhere will judge them. Their boss. Their client. Their friends. Their partner. Their in laws. The parents on the school WhatsApp group. I wish I could tell you no one is judging you, but I’d be lying. It’s better to think about whose opinion matters most - yours. Most of the working mum judgement is either us projecting our insecurity onto other people, or them projecting their insecurities onto us. Stop judging yourself so harshly. You’re doing great. (And if you’re not - see above!) And once you’ve stopped judging yourself, stop judging other Mums and be a bit more sisterly. They’re muddling through doing their best, just like you and me.

7. The kids are alright

The working Mum juggle is so hard because we care so much. We just want to do what’s best for our kids and make sure they’re OK. Here’s the secret - they’re doing just fine.

*reality check - I could have all the time in the world and I still wouldn't make World Book Day costumes. Give me slides over sewing any day.