What I’ve Learned as a Working Parent, an update.

Five years ago, I published an article about what I’ve learned from being a working parent, especially from my son. Since then, many of you have reached out to me with moving stories of your own. Today, on United Nations World Autism Awareness Day , there is no better time to give an update.

At age four, our son Jude was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. Oddly enough, the diagnosis was a huge relief to my husband and me because it brought us a significantly better understanding of him. We had been navigating choppy waters and now we finally had a compass in hand.?

Even just a few months after he was born, his development seemed different from the guidance in the myriad of well-meaning yet unhelpful parenting books on our bookshelf. What we saw, he didn’t notice; what he did notice seemed inconsequential to us; what motivated us, he was not remotely moved by; what upset him seemed unpredictable; and worse yet, we were at a loss for how to help calm him down. Prior to his diagnosis, we were unmoored and lost at sea, with little good advice or direction, and my husband and I just assumed we were terrible parents.

Autism is a spectrum, a range or scale of characteristics. In fact each and every one of us are snowflakes, falling somewhere on the emotional-intelligence spectrum axes. Autism now affects 1 in 36 children, and boys are four times more likely to have autism than girls. Those diagnosed as being on the “high-functioning autistic spectrum” are typically highly intelligent and have special abilities beyond the rest of us. Recent studies at Yale indicate that autistic brains are larger and have more active neurons. There are also theories that autism spectrum individuals are more highly evolved. Yet most have a low ability in areas such as reading social cues, providing eye contact, emotional processing and regulation, executive function, sensory and small motor skills. In Jude’s case, his IQ is exceptional and he’s above the 99th percentile in his use of language and vocabulary. He was highly articulate from a young age and now has a broader working vocabulary than most anyone I know. Yet some on the spectrum don’t have the ability to speak at all. One especially insightful book is NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and Future of Neurodiversity .?

For a time, Jude was dysregulated so often that we feared he would physically hurt himself or someone else in a serious way. We learned the best way for him to regulate himself was to take time on his own in his bedroom to play with Legos or read; and at school it is important for him to have?a designated couch or room where he can go when he feels overwhelmed. This works wonders for him - give him a lot of time and space and the storm always passes. He’s now quite good at recognizing when he needs to take care of his emotions - often before we even notice he needs it. We all could learn from Jude. Who wouldn’t benefit from going to a quiet place for a while when we feel overwhelmed by the world?

Now at age 15, he has deep knowledge of subjects he loves, such as paleontology, geology, biology, and history. He has come to understand that being autistic comes with special powers and gifts - this has been especially helpful now that he’s going to a high school for “2e” kids. 2e refers to “twice exceptional ,” individuals who are both gifted in unique ways and challenged in others. Jude celebrates being a “quirky science kid,” appreciates that being highly intelligent means you need to feed your brain a lot of information, and he understands that he has talents and abilities that the rest of us “Muggles” do not have. He’s learned to gravitate to friends that appreciate him for who he is or that share his interests - he’ll spend hours talking with a science camp friend about detailed paleontology topics that go miles over our heads.?

Jude and I have the most interesting conversations, and my life is richer for having him in it. I’ve learned so much about paleontology and geology; and he's patient with me even though I haven’t yet memorized all the geological timescales across eons, eras, and epochs; and I don’t yet recognize the difference between mosasaurus and megalodon fossils. He appreciates that I’ll read some the books he asks me to (most recent:? Otherlands: A Journey through Earth’s Extinct Worlds ); watch the shows with him he wants to see (hello, David Attenborough ); take him to museums he wants to visit (we’ve been to more Natural History museums than I knew existed); and I still play video games with him (and he’s still entertained by how bad I am). When he wants to connect with me, he suggests doing activities that he knows I enjoy doing with him like going for a hike or out to brunch, baking a complex dessert, or going to a museum that he thinks will interest both of us. Thinking of “what mom would like” is huge progress in his executive function and social capabilities, skills he did not have just a few years ago. Yet his struggles still permeate our household - a heavy load of homework can give all of us hives of anxiety; we still don't always anticipate his sensory challenges (haircuts continue to be high-stress situations, thus the perennially shaggy hair); traveling to new places can introduce unexpected challenges; and he rarely reacts appropriately to the emotional needs of his pre-teen neurotypical sister (perhaps the topic of what I’ve learned from my daughter will show up in a future article) - yet he is making great strides in figuring himself out over time. Isn’t that what all of us are doing our whole lives, just figuring ourselves out over time?

While having an autism spectrum child isn’t what my former childless self would have wished for, I’ve learned and developed so much more as a person than I would have without him in my life. He is a gift that I am grateful for. I’ve learned to be a better friend, spouse, and family member who aims to listen more, to validate feelings, to encourage self-advocacy and to accept?others for who they are and where they are in their lives rather than who I wish they were. I’ve learned to be a better leader - to listen and seek to understand the points of view of others, to be more accepting and inclusive, to welcome new information in order to take a more scientific approach - willing to change course as new facts are uncovered. And I have experienced more of my own personal character development and a certain life resiliency I didn’t have before - that when something difficult happens, one just needs to take a few deep breaths (literally and figuratively), and seek out the time and space to process it…read a book, and maybe even play with Legos too.

To all of you parents, spouses, children, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, and friends of autism spectrum individuals:? You have a huge gift in your life, they have so much to teach us if only we let them. Happy International Autism Awareness Day.