What I've Learned about Leading and Following from Dancing Cuban Salsa

Dance is central to my life. Dance is life for me. It’s my happy place, my flow state. Dance has always been my companion and has never failed me, even when I’ve failed her. She is my muse, my inspiration, my one and only. And recently, I've discovered that my experiences with partner dancing have been teaching me something unique and special about leadership.?

Since I’ve been learning how to lead in partner dancing–Cuban Salsa to be precise–I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a lead versus a follow; what responsibilities each role holds; and what can happen when each dancer’s capacity is seen, felt, and honored. What is fascinating to me is how infinite the delights of this exchange are, when you really live into its nuances. I’ve discovered that the more I explore it, take delight in it, the more I am inspired and the more I inspire my partner. In turn, a new realization has been that once leaders and followers reach a certain level of skill, the role responsibilities start to blur in service of an experience that is co-created. And what if this approach to dance partnership could be extended to any lead-follow relationship? Let me explain.?

First let me say that for years, I’ve only been comfortable in the role of the follow. This has certainly been reflected in my corporate career, in my decision to drop out of grad school, in my excellence as an undergrad, and in my many years of service industry work. Tell me what to do and I’d do it, to the highest degree of perfection within my capability at the time. Ask me to create something from nothing, lead a charge, invent my own thing, decide on a dissertation topic, design a program from scratch, and I’d fall right into a vertiginous hole of analysis paralysis.?

I have been a good follow because following seemingly frees one from the need to decide. (How many times have we heard the phrase “that’s not my responsibility.”) Instead, I am simply to receive and respond, to pick up what the lead is throwing down, to become ever more sensitive to the slightest change in direction or shift of energy, kind of like hypervigilance but way sweeter. Growing up with a narcissistic father and other emotionally unavailable adult types honed my listening and observing skills early, so this traditional definition of following has just been a natural fit, in any context.?

But something big shifted when I finally found my way to wanting to lead. There was a moment in time when I suddenly became ready to be “the decider” in the partnership, to want to own responsibility for directing a partnered experience–and when learning how to lead, that is in fact what your role is. You have to learn enough vocabulary, gain enough skill and technique, to be able to be the cookie cutter. So far, being the cookie cutter is a developmental phase of feeling a measure of leadership confidence, with the acumen I’ve built up from following, despite zero leader mechanics. Although the how behind this shift is probably its own article, what I think it boils down to is being ready to expand my capacity to continue to experience new things in the dance. I had gotten bored, and was only delighted by the most skilled leads in my small community. (Sound familiar to any Individual Contributors out there?) What I didn’t anticipate is that since starting to lead, I’ve become obsessed with wanting to understand and explain what makes an exceptional leader and follower in partner dancing.?

Here’s what I’ve found:

Exceptional leading includes:

• An ability to dance to the rhythm of the music (through the feet), and even better, know the music well and be in conversation with it.
• Clear intention transmitted from the center of the body through the arms
• Solid foundational knowledge of the basic movements
• An ability to execute a variety of movements to keep things interesting and engaging, adding occasional moments of surprise and delight?
• An ability to execute movements using the body’s natural mechanics and positioning, to take full advantage of the momentum of the dance?
• An ability to adjust the dance to accommodate the skill level of the follow, so that they feel both competent and challenged at moments
• Creating space for the follow to shine and style in their own way?

Exceptional following includes:

• An ability to dance to the rhythm of the music, and even better, know the music well and be in conversation with it.
• An ability to sense and respond to the lead’s direction, no matter how subtle
• Bringing an element of fun energy, style and flourish to the dance, as inspired by the music and the leader
• Solid foundational knowledge of the basic movements
• Having a dynamic tension through the body that matches the tension provided by the lead–being both relaxed and ready
• Contributing to a conversation with the lead by using eye contact and giving one’s energy generously to the dance
• Staying grounded by keeping the knees bent, continuously pivoting the feet and swiveling the hips to make use of the momentum created by the physics of the dance

This list captures what I’ve found as I’ve deepened in the technique of following. However, as I’ve continued this pursuit, I’ve found that at a certain point the roles start to become blurred. When I am in ownership of my own bodily movements and inspired by the music, I can participate in influencing and guiding the lead.? Leadership and inspiration can flow out of followership, and even influence the leader’s decision making. I would even venture to say that it no longer becomes a matter of decision making, but that the leader enters into a flow state as well. Decision making becomes co-created or even, dare I say, co-owned. In other words, I can “follow-up.” I can give generously of my energy and be solidly in my own relationship to the music in such a way that the lead becomes inspired to dial up their input into the dance. Through my following and my own enjoyment of the dance, I can “challenge” the leader to bring more sauce, finesse, and complexity to the dance and by extension, to the community--all without saying a word.??

Furthermore, a good leader will know both when to relinquish control and receive the input the follow is offering, AND when to break frame so both parties can shine during moments of solo dancing. Here, the conversation continues in a way that offers more freedom, improvisation and personal style.

Let’s put this into business terms: I can give generously of my energy and be solidly in relationship to my own skills, abilities, and interests in such a way that my leaders are inspired to expand their investment in my development and my contributions to the team. Through my own enjoyment of my work, I can challenge my leaders to make more space for my contributions to shine, thus leveling up their influence and contribution to the greater mission of the team and the organization.?

Bottom line: doing what you love, what you enjoy, what inspires and delights you is a critical component to organizational success and community building. With this, leaders will ask you to dance with them, and other followers will watch, learn from, and celebrate you.

I would not have discovered any of this, had I not decided to learn how to lead.?Learning how to lead has, surprisingly, challenged my concept of what leadership even is. I've come to believe that a leadership title is a positional aspect of leadership that is structural and institutional, but not the essence or spirit of leadership. The spirit of leadership is knowing when to be directive, when to be receptive, and how to dance between both roles so that our lived experience through decision making is co-owned. ?