What If It's Not Selfish?
Katrina Collier
???? Prepping Talent Acquisition & Recruiters For A Better 2025! ???? | Human Connection Facilitator & Speaker | Author: Reboot Hiring & The Robot-Proof Recruiter || Memoir: The Damage of Words
Being called selfish triggers me.
It triggers many people, especially women.
It's a projection.
My mother thinks I am selfish. I am selfish to choose a life of peace and happiness outside her destruction path. In her version of reality, I am selfish to place my mental, physical and spiritual health ahead of hers. Yet, she is the selfish one for thinking, after dishing out physical and emotional child abuse, that I should place her priorities ahead of my own.
Interestingly, she is not alone in thinking that I am selfish.
Everyone who uttered, 'But she's your mother!' also inferred that I am selfish to have severed communication. I wonder why they expect me to stay in a situation that can make me feel small, uncertain, afraid, emotionally dysregulated and more, when they would urge me to leave an equally abusive husband, partner, or boyfriend.
But I digress.
Am I selfish? What if it's not selfish to remain emotionally regulated, brimming with self-love, mastery and compassion? What if it's more selfish to give her my energy than to be able to support my loved ones, friends, community and profession?
What if it's not selfish at all?
?? Confused by this content? When I created this newsletter, I wrote the first article, 'What if it's not what you expect from me?' which triggered LinkedIn to send out blanket newsletter invites. 2815 of you kindly subscribed, but the article was only read 165 times, which suggests you may not have been notified about it. Therefore, this may be a surprise!
Unlike Recruitment Isn't Broken , this newsletter is my musings on my shift from emotional dysregulation and self-loathing, to inner calm and self-love, and, finally, self-mastery. It won't only be about recruitment and talent acquisition; it will be about being human. ??
What's the cost of being "selfless" or, more accurately, people-pleasing?
Even when it is ultimately self-harming, is people-pleasing the selfish act, especially when used to avoid conflict or upset?
Choosing my mother's needs over my own places me back on a rollercoaster of emotions created by gaslighting and harsh, unjust criticism. It is allowing my self-esteem to plummet as I try to please a woman who cannot be pleased as she operates from self-loathing and shame. It is bottling my resentment and anger, which directly impacts my physical health.
Forgoing my boundaries and reconnecting would also dramatically increase stress for my siblings, especially my sister. Being "selfless" would allow my mother to create dramas - where there are none - and negatively impact my sibling's mental and physical health.
领英推荐
However, I will not permit this to occur and keep my boundaries high.
Does that make me selfish?
What could you miss out on, beloved reader, if I forgo myself?
For one, you'd miss my musings and learnings from life. In the coming weeks, I will share the feelings I experienced as I shifted from an insecure, self-hating people-pleaser to a self-loving powerhouse with firm boundaries and confidence. I will explain why people-pleasing is destructive, resentment-invoking, and the fastest path to burnout.
If I forgo my self-care, kindness and compassion, I will not inspire people to try a different way and to heal anything that makes them feel less than the best version of themselves. I shifted from utter self-loathing to self-love and self-mastery, and I believe that life isn't about coping, numbing or being distracted; I believe we can all learn to thrive.
And if that takes putting yourself first, so be it.
Because what if it's more selfish to deprive the world of the real wonderful you?
??
Thank you to everyone who has subscribed to this newsletter & shares each edition. ?????? Subscribe & click the ?? on my profile to see future posts.
Curious souls:
Recruiters and TA leaders:
Emotional Recalibration To Therapeutically Empower You Through Life's Toughest Challenges
4 个月Hi Katrina, What a fortunate stumble onto your newsletter! I could have been reading about my own experience. Your observations are spot on. Thank you for articulating this extra layer of external shame others try to impose upon us for choosing to end the cycle of suffering from psychological abuse from our mothers. I look forward to more of your thoughts. Tanya x
??I Get Your Career From Stuck to Thriving ?? Career Coach ?? Former Recruiter ?? YouMap? Career Clarity Coach ?? Job Search Strategy?? Interview Preparation ??
4 个月One of the positives from going through a cancer diagnosis was permitting myself to remove toxic people from my life. Life is short. We need to spend it with people who uplift us, not those who drag us down. Thank you for sharing your story, Katrina.
?? ?????? ???????? ???????? ?????????? ???????? ?????? ??????????!??I help connect great people with great jobs!??Career Transition & Executive Job Search??Resume, LinkedIn & Interview Expert??Former Automotive Executive
4 个月Hi, Katrina Collier! I love this article and appreciate you sharing your story to help others. I actually had a similar experience with my mother, who was incredibly demanding of me but also was so selfish herself that she expected me to cater to her rather than my own family. Eventually, I had to do the same and sever the relationship, as the toxicity was not healthy for anyone. I felt guilty for a short while, but quickly realized that this was the best decision for me and my family. It allowed us to live our best lives, enjoying time with those who love and nurture one another. Is it selfish to cater to your own needs first? Absolutely not! If we are going to be selfless, as many would suggest we should do, we have to be in a place where that can be done for the mutual benefit of everyone. In order to help others, you have to help yourself first. That means managing self-care to be the best version of yourself - as you suggest. Then - and only then - can you truly help others. Katrina, thank you again for sparking this important conversation. I challenge those reading to share one self-care practice that has positively impacted their life and relationships. Let's normalize prioritizing our own well-being!
Global Employer Brand Storyteller | Public Speaker (Top-30 Recruitment Thought Leader, Top 10 TA Speaker | Co-Founder The EB Space | Award Winning Talent Brand Leader | Top 50 Recruitment Influencer | Talent Ops
4 个月Definitely not selfish at all. Eventually, you’ve gotta do what’s best for you, and that comes at the expense of others, but you can’t worry about that. Have had to do that plenty of times.
? Head & Heart ???? Bridging science, spirituality, technology, and people ????♀?????
4 个月I actually had this thought towards myself this morning. Sometimes I eat a bit too much comfort food, to spoil myself, but in the end I'm not spoiling myself. I'm just making it harder for myself to be healthy and happy. And if I can't say no to myself, how can I say no to somebody else?