What if it's not personal?

Shifting from the problem to action

Does it ever appear like things simply aren’t going your way?

·????? That parking spot you were patiently waiting for got snagged by someone else.

·????? You thought you’d lined up everything for a promotion and you’re passed over.

·????? After preparing for a key presentation, you’re left out of a meeting.

With uncertainty around every corner of your life and work, talk of political disarray everywhere you turn and your favorite sports team NOT doing as well as you’d hoped this season, it’s no wonder you begin to think that someone may be out to get you.

You begin to take these events as personal slights.

Missing out on something you were counting on is disappointing, but how can you turn that frustration into action that gets you what you wanted in the first place?

THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT

What if it’s not personal?

Getting stuck when you believe someone is doing something to you can feel paralyzing.

That’s how Aaron showed up when we last checked in.

I don’t want to believe this, but here it is. I’ve been left out of three essential meetings in the last two weeks. There’s no question my director is doing this intentionally. He doesn’t want me to succeed. How do I get him to stop targeting me?

What bothers you the most about these issues?

I asked him.

All of it. Being left out. Not getting the opportunity to grow. This is a personal attack.

Where would you like to start?

OK, the three meetings. I wasn’t included in the invite and that’s precious time I missed out on.

What happened when you informed your director you weren’t on the list for the meetings?

Well, I haven’t said anything. What’s the point?

We sat in silence for what seemed like a very long time, until Aaron offered.

That’s weird, normally I would let someone know if I wasn’t on an invitation for something I wanted. Especially if it happened more than once.

We explored how busy his work has become, and he recognized that he hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t on the meetings until this week. That’s when he became agitated.

What other possibilities might have resulted in you not being included?

Aaron laughed,

Maybe because my schedule is totally booked? But, wait. I would rather decline a meeting than not be invited.

Understood. So, what do you want now?

I want to be part of any conversation that will move me forward, and I feel like these meetings would have done that. I guess I could ask how to share my ideas even after the fact.

And what would that look like?

In my next one-on-one, I’m going to be clear about how I do add value by being present in these meetings so that I can get feedback on my proposal.

That’s interesting – you want the feedback?

Yeah, I feel like I’m flying solo here, and I want to be aligned with the entire team.

How might you communicate that to your director?

Aaron created a plan that identified the reason he wanted to be included.? He set up time to share that he values his team’s input and wants to partner with them, not do this presentation entirely on his own.

THIS WEEK’S TOOL

Shifting from the problem to action

Using Aaron’s dilemma – we partnered to create a tool that he can use for this instance, and in any other when he freaks out and believes he’s being targeted.

Problem - I didn’t get the included I the meeting invite.

Thought – It’s because my director doesn’t support my growth.

Challenge the thought – What other reason might there be?

Wonder - What do I really want here?

Action - Go for what I want.

You might discover that at the same time you fear someone is doing something to you, they might be responding to a clear boundary you established.

That’s what Aaron learned when he shared why he wanted to be part of these meetings. His team had access to his calendar, believed he was too swamped and decided to save him the time and energy.

Now they’ve forged a better approach. He’s getting the invite!

My takeaway

When I’m tempted to take something personally, here’s how I choose to reset:

Identify the problem

know you’ll have a negative thought

see what happens when you challenge it

wonder about what you want

and now you can act.

I’m not batting a thousand, but it’s getting better when I decide to act and create influence. It's not personal.

Not taking things personally is a superpower

James Clear