What the Inner Child really wants.

What the Inner Child Wants

Our inner child only has one goal to seek comfort. They are locked in survival mode and will do anything to avoid experiencing the troubling emotions endured in the past. And in order not to “feel,” they have learned to use destructive behaviors to distract and self-soothe.

Remember, the emotional chaos your inner child experiences is extremely powerful and very frightening to them. Therefore, they require an escape outlet that will serve to overpower their pain levels. They are seeking relief, which is where addictive behaviors and substances come in. The adrenaline rush provided by addictive behaviors is so effective it can help to mask any emotional distress.

How? By increasing the levels of neurochemicals and hormones in the brain. Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin are neurotransmitters the body naturally produces. Addictive behaviors result in higher levels of these pleasure-seeking chemicals being generated and this results in a rush or “high,” similar to using cocaine. When we repeat the same behaviors repeatedly, such as snorting cocaine, binge eating, viewing porn, or drinking excessively, our bodies and minds develop an unhealthy craving for these neurochemicals and become obsessed with obtaining them.?

Once your inner child stumbles across this chemical method for easing their pain threshold, it is like leaving them alone in a sweet shop. They’ll want more and more. The key for us will be to stay one step ahead of the child before they have a meltdown and send us off running to obtain a rush. The inner child’s objective is simple – “I need to do whatever will help me feel safe.”?Again, can you see the potential problem we face?

To manage the child and stay one step ahead of our addiction, we must become more alert and mindful.

Inner Child Taking Over

Let us take a moment to demonstrate how the inner child impacts our addiction. This is referred to as the Inner Child Activation Process, which results in the child running the show and causing grief for us and those who love us.

Starting at the top of the diagram, our troubles begin when negative events occur in our day-to-day lives(Stage 1). These events, ranging from inconvenient to disastrous could happen multiple times throughout the day. In many cases, we might easily dismiss them. But if the event correlates with a core emotional trigger that haunts your inner child, there could be real trouble. Here’s an example.

You are with your family at the shopping mall looking for a parking space. You see one, but just as you are about to pull in, another car cuts in front of you and grabs it. You are annoyed but keep moving along until you find another spot. Once in the mall, along with your wife and kids, you start shopping, trying not to think about the rude driver.

End of the story, right? Wrong. While you are attempting to dismiss the event, your inner child has other ideas. He has correlated the incident in the parking lot with being bullied in school and not standing up for himself (Stage 2). He feels weak and humiliated, just like he did when kids would pick on him.

If you were to hear some of your inner child’s negative self-talk, it would probably sound like this. “Why didn’t we do something when he cut us off? We never stood up to anyone in school. They would push us around and take our lunch money. We’re weak and pathetic!” And there is your core emotional trigger – “I feel weak and pathetic.”

The Inner Child in Action

Your inner child is activated when this occurs, which is not good. But how do you know the child is starting to throw a tantrum? Easy. He wants to run away and forget about what happened. He wants to escape the emotional distress. So, what does he do? He engages in the same strategy he has been using for years. He makes you feel discomfort. In turn this may make you experience anxiety, tension, irritability, numbness, anger, boredom, etc. ?And, when you experience these troublesome feelings, you are programmed to seek out a distraction – which usually involves our addiction of choice, in this example , sex.

Let us continue with our story at the mall. While you are unaware your inner child has been activated, you find your mood shifting (Stage 3). You tell yourself you are getting tired and bored. But because you are unaware of your real emotions, you probably aren’t connecting the shift in mood to what happened in the parking lot. Instead, you may blame it on being at the mall when you could be home watching the football game. As your mood shifts downward, you tell your wife you need a break from shopping, and you are going to sit down.

After a few minutes, you start paying more attention to the women walking past. Being a “breast man,” your eyes lock in on the various sizes of breasts—large, medium, small. One by one, you check out the breasts of every woman who walks by you. You are lost in space and time and have forgotten where you are. You’re dissociating. The only thing that exists in your world ?at thate moment is the exploration and study of breasts.

Your inner child has achieved his objective. He is no longer focusing on the emotional turmoil that resulted from the parking lot incident and past bullies, while at the same time, he has stopped you from feeling weak. What a pal!

And the hunt for breasts has served as a significant distraction. Thanks to the rush of neurochemicals your brain is experiencing, you are in la-la land. Even your inner child has become quiet, feasting on the sights in the mall. And when your family finishes shopping and says they’re ready to go, you won’t even know how long they have been gone.

The Inner Child Activation Process runs quietly in the background and can be kick-started numerous times during the day. The depth of your mood change can range from unnoticeable to dramatic. But it doesn’t matter. If you are unaware of your inner child and his pain triggers, you will be subjected to acting out every single time he is activated.

Excerpt from GOING DEEPER - Connecting with Your Inner Child?to Break Free from Addiction (2023)

Eddie Capparucci Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

with

Nathan Jones BA Hons, PG Dip CBT